Apology accepted. Aahh.

Forgiveness is an interesting thing.
It's an action, a verb, an emotion and a thing.

Friday I had two conversations about the need to express emotions.

Katie and I were talking about something and she was repeating back to me words I've used recently. Which is quite frankly the coolest and scariest thing to come out of a child. She was telling me about her day at school and how she got frustrated, I don't recall the details but I do remember her telling me she knew it was okay to feel frustrated but that she needed to take a moment to not express it in an unproductive way. In this case she opted to just walk away. I was super impressed. I'm not sure I would have done the same at her age.

The thought was that emotions are very important and you shouldn't stop them. It's good to cry, feel sad, angry, hurt, happy, joyful, etc... If you don't feel them they back up and clog your system. We joked (and later told Mike to his face) that not feeling makes you spiritually constipated. We've spent the better part of two weeks feeling and learning to feel them in proper ways.

I was expressing fear. Fear that I was just hanging around to with no good reason. Fear that I would be stuck forgiving everyday with no relief in sight. Fear that I was going to get swallowed by a whale. Hey, I never said I was rational.

I realized I was being a dork. I put my blinders back on and let God know that I was more than ready for my apology. I felt much better.

As Friday finished I was realizing that I might never trust Mike again but that it didn't really matter. I trusted God just fine. God's got it and I know it. Knew it. I don't have to fear being a doormat, I trust God. I don't have to worry about trusting Mike, I trust God.
I went to bed with a mild head cold and peace in my heart.

Saturday, Mike worked and I got perhaps the best massage of my life. I swear I felt feeling taller, lighter and perhaps even a bit floaty. What, you've never felt floaty? Neither had I. Best massage ever. I have another booked for the 13th.
Errands were run, kids watched TV and rotted on the couch while I avoided studying. It was a great day.

And Saturday I got the best apology ever.

When I was telling God that I was ready for my apology I started to wonder what a great apology looked like and mentally went straight for Anne of Green Gables. You remember the scene? It's a great bit of story telling. Anne, however is making up a great deal because she has no real clue what she's doing.

I needed more than that. Forgiveness is something we do as Christians not for the other person so much as for ourselves. Forgiving is for us. Repenting is for them. It's a relationship. While you can do one without the other, they are infinitely better together.

I'd started to forgive Mike in many ways but not really. I thought I was forgiving him. I was really trying. I was laying my problems at God's feet and doing what I thought was required for the formula to work.

Oh but I can tell you that a real apology followed by freely given forgiveness is where it is at.

Did I mention it was an awesome apology? It covered everything. Which told me that Mike's been listening. Really listening. It told me that God has been speaking to him and he's been listening to that too.  It freed me. I didn't realize I was still carrying a burden. Now that I'm even more floaty, I know that I was. I was carrying the burden of wondering if I was offering forgiveness when I needed to be walking the other way. I'm glad I stayed.

We're still in separate rooms and will be for a while longer. If nothing else we both have head colds. However, I'm basking in the awesome power of forgiveness. Not something I did but rather a gift from God. I've never thought of forgiveness, an act I perform, as a gift from God. Oh man, is it ever.

Mike is also doing amazingly better. He's coming out from under his fog. He doesn't seem like a stranger but more like the guy I married. We've had a chance to talk and after the APOLOGY, it's been brilliant.

This ordeal was discribed very accuratly as a canyon between us. The act of repenting and forgiving has laid a bridge between us. We've still got to use the bridge but it's a far sight better than it was a week ago. Now there is hope for a bright future. A future without head colds...fingers crossed.




 

If I could just remember......

It's embarrassing the speed at which I can forget what I'm doing.
 I can be up to my elbows in washing dishes, go to the bathroom and then sit down to FB. Only to remember that I was doing the dishes hours later while changing loads of laundry.

For me I know I have to have systems in place to stay focused. I'm guessing no one is surprised I get distracted all the time?

Well yesterday and all last night was no different. I don't know when it happened but I started focusing on all the crap of the last five or so years.

I was remembering all the little stabs and huge hurts. Conversations years old where I remember the topic of conversation was, we are headed for danger, I'm feeling treated like a pal, a roommate.

It was an easy leap from there to, "why am I prolonging this?"

Overall I spent the entire time feeling like I was in a major car accident. Bruised all over. Bleeding from many major wounds. Taking stock and realizing that I'm missing tiny pieces of myself all over. Scars are starting to form and in my mind's eye they were frankenstien worthy bits of ragged heart that barely fit together anymore. Agonizing to use, to feel, to think.

Last night I went to bed wondering how anyone ever heals from such an event. "Is it normal at this point to just die from heart failure?" "Or would I be having a heart attack soon?"
Never doubt my capacity for the dramatic.

I struggled with dreams until 4am. Then I struggled with downright nightmares.

I had gone to bed reading articles on Focus on the Family about infidelity in marriage (for the person about to or committing such acts, not helpful on my end). It highlighted even more just what a lost cause this all seems to be. Making me feel retarded for even trying. Labeling me codependant for staying in the area. Ugh.

What misery.

I got up with my alarm clock and started in with my morning system to help me stay focused. I turn off the alarm then immediately turn on my lamp. If I don't turn on my lamp, I'm going back to sleep. Then usually with my eyes still shut I put my feet on the floor. I can do this without actually getting out of bed.

Eventually I make my way to the coffee pot. I need routines and systems. They add structure to my life. I know that I don't really need coffee, I need the routine. My next routine is one that I'm terrible at but started almost three years ago when I bought my iphone. I have my morning bible study app. Now more than ever I think I need an iphone implant.

Immediately I was admonished for my thinking. I was no better than God's people wandering the desert. Awesome.

Reminded me that you get what your looking for.
Asked, "So what are you focused on?" Hm...I think I've been trying to teach exactly that to my kids. Oops. I'm a knucklehead. I was totally focusing on all the ways we'd flunked Marriage.

I was focusing on all the rotting bits.

Yeah, I'm super awesome.

So I'm putting on my morning blinders. I'm putting my focus back on God.
I have a mission statement, "I want to live a God Centered, God Celebrated, Richly Abundant Loving Life."
It doesn't say a darn thing about my past but rather the path I want to walk each day. It's broad enough to cover all my bases but give me excellent focus. I can hit crossroads and ask myself, which one honors God? and put my feet in that direction.

I know this.

Hey, squirrel.

What was I doing?
I think I'm supposed to be doing the dishes. Or maybe I was eating breakfast....hm.....
 

Guilty.

I'm guilty. I'm very surprised by this to say the least but I am completely and utterly guilty.

Of what you ask?

Why of being surprised when people sin.

 Think about it.

This is kinda stupid. Okay, wait, no kinda, this is stupid. The bible is very clear, FOR ALL HAVE SINNED. So why am I'm constantly surprised?

Is this an attitude I've cultivated as a Christian? Cause that sucks. I'm supposed to be following Christ's example. I don't remember "showing shock" as an example laid out for me. I seem to remember love and forgiveness? Hmm...yes, Love for sure. Wait, definately forgiveness.

Have Christians become so incredibly lost?
How did I get to the point where I was looking to love the sinner not the sin and still acting all shocked when people sinned? I even do it when watching TV. The evening news is always shocking. Duh. We're all sinning.

I was thinking through the concept of  "and you shall know them by their fruits" while looking at my cherry tree. Now it's fall so there aren't any cherries on this tree but I can see it full of cherries. I know what an abundant fruit tree looks like. It's bending from the weight of it's branches and all but tosses fruit at you when you walk by. It smells amazing. A perfume that will settle in your bones and be long remembered. You can't help but never forget the sight, smells, taste and experience of an abundant fruit tree.

Step back from this fruit tree and what do you see? Well unless there are lots of small animals then there is rotting fruit on the ground. The fruit that has fallen doesn't change the fact that the fruit on the tree is still good. It just happens.

Sinning is an unfortunate reality. Happens to the best of us, the worst of us and everyone in between.

So lets look at our days and lift our eyes. Let's stop being surprised by the rotten and start enjoying the beauty of the fruit tree. I'm guessing there are plenty of examples of "fruits", Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Self-Control.

Galations 5:22-23

"But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in a n orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

Yeah, I'm going to start looking for that.

 

Whales and Secret Agents.

When obeying God expect your direction to change, constantly.
I was thinking He'd make my path clear but at the moment I feel more like a kid being hung over a dumpster while some punk feels me up for loose change.
I'm currently out of loose change.

Yesterday I was experiencing alot of fear because basically GOD said...You need to stay in New Jersey. I've spent the last two days moping due to this.

I read Jonah. You remember the dude that got eaten by a whale when he didn't go in the direction God had planned? Yeah, that Jonah. Keep reading and Jonah gets mad that God is showing mercy. I can totally relate. I both want to see mercy and realize that we are all undeserving sinners and I was totally getting my panties in a wad over it.

God didn't give me any enlightenment on the situation until I just accepted that God is allowed to show Mercy to sinners. Which is good, cause we all are.

So...no guacamole and margaritas yet. My BBQ tank must remain low. I swear half my problems are do to a BBQ, maragarita deficiency but I'm staying in New Jesery.

Something was really bothering me about this. Alot of somethings. I was feeling like I wasn't going to get the distance I needed to regroup. To replensih myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It was then God reminded me of

Galations 6:7

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."(NIV)

"Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others -ignoring God!- harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's spirit do the growth work in him, harvest a crop of real life, eternal life."

 

Ah...that's better. Thanks Lord. Now before you think that I'm just saying Mike isn't recieving mercy and I'm happy about that let me share what this message laid on my heart means to me.

I'm going to add a few more verses to the mix, Matt7:6 says to guard your treasures, which is myself, my heart, my children and their hearts. I'm also to guard my marriage.

Proverbs 4:23, again with the NIV,

 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

 

So I posted, Warning I'm dropping the FBomb, that I had some news/information and I didn't share what it was. Well, here it is, I needed a year and a lawyer before proceeding. I don't want to make life changing decisions while emotionally distressed. I didn't want to make live changing decisions without expert advice. This is part of guarding my treasures.

I had been whining that I felt this was all completely out of my control and my good friend Jo promptly told me I was being silly and needed to take back my control in the situation. I love good friend Jo.

 

Oh, I still pulled plenty of triggers. I'm not sitting on my laurels here. For a smart girl, this is making me feel slow. I'm learning here. I've known for a long time, just because you can doesn't mean you should. I've just always thought that about fashion.

 

So a man reaps what he sows and I need to guard my treasures. Basically Mike is getting an apartment so that he can reap what he's sown while I stay in the house guarding the treasures. This is not unloving but very loving. Although, yes it means basically Mike is getting the boot.

 

We've come to an understanding about some issues. I've drawn some lines in the sand. The one I like the best is about the kids. I've told him that he is welcome to be with us, to join us but only as a parent, not as a playmate. Far too often I've seen Dads turn into 9year olds with no boudaries when it comes to visitations. NO NO NO. Part of protecting my heart and protecting my kids is facing reality. The reality is Mike is a grown man who needs to get his act together. If he was an abusive drunk (he's not) then I would have all kinds of guards in place before he came near the children. I would most definately kick his butt to the curb until he's gotten his life back under control. So since this is more of a self-control issue I can recognize that my heart needs to see him being responsible. I can't make Mike do anything but I did ask and he has agreed. When we do play it will be as a family after the chores are done. Teaching the kids that you work first then play. An appropriate reality to teach now.

 

Moving right along.

 

So while I'm not physically moving anymore I am separating myself from danger and putting limits on sin. I've forgiven Mike but I've also got my guard up. I will not be jumping back into the frying pan here. I'm going to "sow" seeds of protection for my heart and for the kids. I'm going to reap, protection. In the meantime Mike has "sown" self destruction and I understand that means we have to separate if I'm to protect.

 

I asked the kids the other day what would happen if I they got in trouble. They immediately started sharing my creative punishment methods with me, "make us cut weeds with scissors", "send us to our rooms", "no video games or tv", "grounding", "pay a fine", "lose a toy", "spanking" - which earned a, "oh really", from me as they've been far to big to spank for years now. I must stop here to thank pinterest for sharing a list with me on creative punishments that fit the crime. I do so enjoy other slightly devious parents.

 

I digress.

 

Basically we discussed that Mike has made a terrible mistake...mistakes...and is now grounded. He will be living without us because we love him. Not because we wish him ill. I talked about how sometimes its hard to punish a child because they look so dang cute in timeout that you want to let them off the hook. Tyler proceeded to practice the dang cute look.

I'm not saying I'm Mike's parent or that I'm punishing him. Not at all! I'm protecting and guarding. God is the one who will take over from there. I was however, in the spirit of protecting, using this as a teachable moment so the kids would understand how to look at this separation. It would be irresponsible to let them come to their own conclusions.

 

Tyler would probably decide Mike is a secret agent on a super secret mission to save to the world. He's grip on reality needs some fine tuning. Katie is a preteen and could go either way on this. She could let all the fairy tales stored in her heart die a miserable dramatic death or she could see him as an exhiled prince. Or perhaps I'm selling her short. She does seem to completely understand that an affair is sexual and about more than sex. She is more perceptive that she lets on.

 

So we're moving forward. There is a shimmer of hope on the horizon but we are a very very long way off from this being over. In fact, I'm discovering that the hardest parts are probably yet to come.

 

 

 

 



Oooh...let the battle begin.

So I'm guessing many of you have seen Mike's FB post.
Oh the changes a day can bring.

Let me first start with, I'm still leaving for Boerne, TX as planned.

So while I find the details very interesting, you only get the overview. Yesterday, I'd decided that I wasn't filing now and I needed a lawyer. I don't understand the law well enough to do right by the kids. I also felt I needed a year of health insurance to help my establishment in Texas. I was going to mull over the details of this and confront Mike later but the opportunity came late afternoon. So I, told him he was going to be on the line for a year. I'd only had two weeks to process this and I wanted space and perspective. blah blah blah....

At the begining of yesterday I had hunted down Mike's command to report him. I was thinking about HATING RIGHT. I was feeling that I was allowing shennanigans by not following the rules. I didn't want to ruin Mike just get him an ass-whopping. I was good with the thought that the girlfriend would be hunted down and fired. That Mike would be put under a microscope like a bug and possibly held for mental health evaluations.

I told him as much that afternoon.

I'm really stuggling to not just skip to the end of a the story. I'm finding it insanely hard to get the details out in an understandable order. Ugh. I'm also horrible at telling joke. Sure I'm funny but jokes...I start laughing before I've finished the set up. Then I tell the punchline before the set up is complete enough for the punchline to even make since. All while laughing like a lunatic. At least I'm still entertaining. I'm such a giver.

Back to yesterday.

I've mentioned before that when my heart flips I'm offered up a verse. Well about an hour after I bragged to my friend that I'd reported my husband my heart offered up this. "Love your enemies. Do good to those who hurt you." Ah man. Then I was treated to, "Do not enjoy the suffering of your enemies because I can turn it back to you." (that's my translation...it's in proverbs but I couldn't put my finger on it this morning)

Dear God, I thought because I was whining that I've been such an awesome wife that you were going to let me be part of the ass kicking party. Just a small role but I thought it was a gift. I'm not so sure I like being convicted that I need to love and forgive more. I'd really prefer the role of glorious....oh...that's your role...my bad. I'll work on the whole love and forgive. Yeah, nice talk. Yes..I love you too. Yeah, I get that was my spankin. A tiny spankin that lets me know I'm getting frisky. Ok...

My heart was torn between ripping Mike a new one and the lessons God's laying on my heart. I'm God's favorite and all so I'm obeying HIM in everything. Which isn't as confusing as it might sound.
I still got to yell and for drama I threw a temper tantrum and hopped up and down. Which was extremely satisfying due to being on the second floor and having the whole house shake.
Then we got down to talking. We ended up having dinner and still talking.

Yeah, basically, we suck at talking. We've both been listening this time. Concessions have been made. The Divorce is officially off the table til October 2013. We will be living apart during that time. Mike has broken off his other relationship and given me transparency over his accounts, emails, phone, skype, etc... His post was how we'd decided he'd let me know he'd broken it off with Bobbi. I'm thinking he needs more transparency in his life.

I'm still moving to Boerne. I'm still going to live it up and have a blast on his dime. I will answer the phone when he calls.

I'm not sure I made it clear enough that while I'd love him to be my husband he's got to be completely changed. I'm not touching him with a ten foot pole in his current condition. His separation from God is so huge it's like a living shimmering thing. His life is going to suck until he figures this out.

In the meantime my heart is hidden in the Lord. God's totally got this.
So the details of everything and nothing have changed.
I'm good with that because I know exactly what I'm supposed to do.
No if ands or butts.
It's like a superpower knowing this clearly the path I'm supposed to walk.
You can know that in your life too.
I'll bet you can guess what it is? TOTAL OBEDIENCE TO GOD. FOR EVERYTHING.
Super easy...but you have to die to self.....

Make no mistake, this is war. There are casualties and drama. News reels reporting half truths and hearsy. Not this news reel of course....

Interestingly enough the other day I was telling a friend that when God sends you to war it's just like when the ARMY sends you. You get equipted with exactly what you're gonna need. God is way more prepared for this battle, never doubt HE's got your gear down. The Army isn't stupid enough to send a guy out to war in his pj's. How much more awesome is God than the Army?

Warning I'm dropping the F-Bomb!

Last night was rough. I spent most of the day whining at God. Oh and swearing up a blue streak. Just a warning....FUCK...is my new favorite word.
I've decided it's a healthy way for me to express. Plus I'm pretty sure God would have put the Fbomb in the bible if they'd been using it way back when. The bible was written to meet us where we are and people are often guilty of waiting until they are complete fucked before they read HIS word.

So you've been warned.

I'm a fucking Rock Star. I've whined that I've been an amazing Wive! I've not just done a great job but I've had a rough ride and am still awesome. I read Proverbs 31...whining more at God. I feel whining at God is also encouraged FYI. Shoot God added the enitre book of Lamentations to the Bible and what is Lamentations but old school for the book of bitching.

God has held my hand and let me yell Fuck to my hearts content. I went to bed pissed. I rolled over in the night whining at God more. Then at about 3am I just couldn't sleep and started up again. I swear I heard God chuckling at me.

Let me skip ahead to my morning bible study's verses. You're gonna like this.
Ecclesiastes 2:24-26 the message

"The best you can do with your life is have a good time and get the best you can. The way I see it, that's it - divine fate. Whether we feast of fast, it's up to God. God may give wisdome and knowledge and joy to his favorites, but sinners are assigned a life of hard labor, and end up turning their wages over to God's favoriets. Nothing but smoke - and spitting into the wind."

 

Hee hee....I have a bumper sticker that reads, "JESUS LOVE YOU, but I'm His Favorite." Yeah baby. You heard it here....I'm His Favorite.

 

So last night while wrestling with my sheets, turning the air blue, and pouting I asked for wisdom. I went so far as to quote God's words back at him. (James, if any one asked for wisdom God will give it). Then I braced myself. Then I got sick and went to the bathroom. (I do after all call my blog TMI)

God let it rip.

 

The knot in my stomach has been replaced with fire. Goody. I was reminded that I have been obedient and that I plan on continuing to be obedient. I don't have a choice as far as I see it. I've been granted wisdom and I understand what matters, people. Everything else is just stuff.

 

I'm not going to spill the beans on everything God has let me in on right now. Let's just stick with I've been filled with fire. Just in case I need to inform certain parties before I spill the news.

 

I'm been given clarity on how to take responsibility for my own actions. On how to best protect my family. I'm really really excited to move to Boerne TX and get my party on with my family. I'm going to enjoy margaritas and possibly go back to school to finish my bachelor's while selling real estate part time. I'm going to have a good time and bask in the LOVE offered to God's favorites.

 

And I'm gonna say FUCK alot more often. Hee hee.....

The Tower of Terror.

Bwahahaha Welcome to the Tower of Terror! A haunted hotel that was abandoned years ago. Come inside, if you dare.

Dude, this is totally a ride at Disney.

I was trying to explain to my daughter why I was crying about filling out paperwork and looking at Christmas ornaments.  I told her that I'm terrified but it's the same kind of terrified you get when you're standing in line at a new roller coaster. Your hands get sweaty, your nerves stretched. You look around at all the laughing people and think, "Don't they realize we're all gonna die?" A look crosses your face. Some poor stranger, leans over and says, "First time? I can tell. You're gonna love it." You wonder if the survivors are all brain damaged and give him a week smile. You're daughter walks off saying you talk too much but that she knows you love roller coasters so what's the big deal.

I'm starting to suspect Katie likes calling me on crap. This will make for an interesting bunch of teen years.

So I'm moving forward. Like I had an option not too, really. First there's Monday, then Tuesday, now Wednesday....Nobody consulted me on this.

This week is gonna be horrible. I'm going to get through it because I'm hidden in God but I'm still walking through fire here.
Romans 12:2 today's verse from my app...

"Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you

fit into it without even thinking.

Instead, fix your attention on God.

You'll be changed from the inside out.

Readily recognize what he wants from you,

and quickly respond to it."

 

Verses that God laid on my heart last Thursday. The first part was to offer the everyday parts of my life to him. I've been doing that because, like I said before, it's easy to give what you haven't a clue to do about.

 

I've also been reminded to get my blinders on. To look neither right or left but focus solely on God. I'm not exactly getting that right all day long. I'll start the day just fine. Coffee, biblestudy app, feel encouraged, don the armour of God.....get slammed with naughty pictures left for me to find....take a nap because I just can do nothing else....start over with more coffee and more biblestudy apps...

My days are starting to feel like weeks.

 

To change my focus, I'm going to flip this around now. I'm going to share with you not the pain in my heart or how I'm still bleeding but let's count some blessings.

 

I have memorized gobs of verses. Its an amazing gift from my parents. As a kids I was tasked with memorizing a verse a day...for like 10+ years. Now as my heart flips, a new verse rises to the top like a spiritual magic 8 ball. Way better of course because the word of God is useful and fills the heart and soul. I'm surrounded in God's word. I always internally add, the word - is God - God is Love, I'm surrounded in Love. Exactly what a bleeding heart needs most.

 

I'm hugely gifted with music. Listening to the right song at the right time is a balm. Making myself a mixed CD was an activity that I was able to do without any thoughts one way or the other. Allowing me moments of pause. If you know music than you understand that a pause can make it all sweeter. Pausing now and again is such a blessing.

 

I'm also getting some flyers in my inbox for relationship rescue. While that's not going to happen here I'm finding them to be a huge blessing. I was living a dream. My eyes are gently being pried open by this flyer. (My eyes are being slammed opened plenty too). Here is the advice,

 

1. Don't focus or talk about your problems with your spouse. Focus on love. Find a neutral topic and don't stray from it. This is relationship building.

 

2. Find a way to touch that is very very simple. Very non sexual. The same way you'd touch a child...but don't be condescending. This is to recognize how distant you've become. When you're with a child you adore you can't help but reach out and touch them. It's a form of loving that we've all but lost. While I'm not reaching out and touching Mike, HELL NO, I'm realizing I need to say less to my kids and sneak more hugs.

 

3. Give. Give. Give. Giving is an attitude of abundance. Giving gets you out of a poverty mindset and into a "how can I love on you today" attitude. Expect your returns from God. Obedience is always rewarded by God. So...Love one another. This one is easier than it sounds. When you're at the fridge, offer to get everyone a drink. When you're getting up from the table surprise whoever's doing the dishes by taking that task for the night. Get the idea? This giving is for you more than for them. Not all that crazy.

 

I'm doing these things with my relationships not because I'm trying to change my course but because I understand that this is awesome advice for any relationship. When I'm struggling with my teenagers in a few years this advice will still be exactly right.

 

So I'm standing in line for the Tower of Terror. I'm terrified but I have a feeling I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

 

 

You want me to do WHAT?!?

My kids are crazy. I like them exactly that way. On Sunday they got silly sunglasses with mustaches attached. It's freaking hilarious. Strangers stop to compliment them on their fine mustaches or to let me know I let the kids out the house without a good shave. It's been awesome.
Who knew all you need to have fans is a mustache?
Magnum PI suddenly makes perfect sense.

Along with their fine mustaches they end up schooling me more than I teach them. Today after taking Katie to her new middle school we were overtaken by a heavy rain storm. Tyler was sitting in the front seat of the car and immediately piped up with, "Cool, we've got front row seats."
Being all serious and Mommy like I instantly went contemplative and thought, "Dude, how right you are."
Not a moment later, "The clouds must be having an emotional outbreak but look you can see the Sun, it will be okay." I heard, Son...like God....and kinda wondered about God's mysterious ways. Just in case I was getting to weirded out Tyler then added, "Or Angels are peeing on us."

Oh, did you snort your coffee? Yeah I almost went off the road. Oops. My kids are very entertaining.
I truly am blessed beyond measure.

Now, as I share more today, please keep in mind that I'm fragile. All human and filled with soft gooey bits. I need you all to just let me share without comments from the peanut gallery.

For all the crap and garbage that I've discovered. For all that we'll be going through still, I still love my husband. It's not a switch you can just turn off. I've spent 14 years building this marriage and just like Rome not being built in a day neither was my life.

It still looks like I'm getting a divorce but I really don't know one way or the other if I want one. I know I don't plan on standing for shenanigans. I know that I will protect my kids whatever the personal cost to me. But here is the kicker, I don't have to know one way or another and I have a certain freedom there that allows me to forgive.

God isn't asking me to fight for my marriage, He's asking to Fight on my behalf.
God isn't asking me "What do you want", He's asking me to let Him carry me through to a better way.

God is asking for my complete obedience without a lick of understanding.

I'm sure that thinking things through and letting time give me perspective work but that's not this game. When Jesus stretched out his hand to Paul to walk beside him on the water, Paul didn't get a chance to "think about it, go slow, give it time". Paul had to obey or not walk with Jesus.
Sinking was a very real option. Drowning extremely likely.

In order for me to grow as a human being I've been asked to shine God's light into my soul and identify my weaknesses. I have a huge need to talk, communicate, make others ears bleed. It's something I've always tried to put a positive spin on but quite frankly over talking is one of the fastest and easiest ways to get in deep doo doo.
I also seem to collect toxic relationships. I've got boundaries issues. I want and crave to be liked so much at times I'm no better than New Jersey's mascot Snookey. Selling her dignity for fame.
And I like to do things my way.
EXACTLY my way. (I like all my soup cans to face forward and they are in catagories based on usage) (Oh and my closet is organized by color...My shrink has told me its a control issue...a coping mechanism for damaged people...duh) (I also habitually close closet doors but that's a very long story)(have I mentioned I like over sharing?)

So of course, God would be asking me to do it His way.

God would also use my weakness to communicate. I'm extremely humbled by the responses to my blog but I've also worried that it's truly going to take a miracle for any huge changes. Airing all my dirty laundry isn't helping my case with Mike. Mike prefers to keep his private life, private. In other words, none of your business.
I have to be obedient and right now I feel that is sharing my flaws in a blog.

I do see how it actually has protected me a great deal. Sharing has led to others reaching out and comforting me, educating me, and letting God speak to me. Awesome.
It's come with back lash as well. Many well meaning pieces of advice that I have no intentions of following.
(Like when I was pregnant, a lady at the grocery store told me to be careful about bathing because water could enter my belly button and drown the baby. I kid you not, she was dead serious.) (I'm keeping a list of awesome divorce advice as well....bwahaha)

Today, God's way for my life entails, blogging, taking the kids to school, calling my new apartment complex, a pedicure, and laundry. I'm not allowed to understand or make decisions. I'm just supposed to obey. Oh and I'm supposed to remember to pick up the kids after school....hm....
 

Yeah, I love a good sports car.

I'm a huge fan of cartoons. No surprises there I'm sure. I also love analogies. In order to wrap my head around things, put things in perspective and just handle everything I've used silly analogies.

My favorite is that I'm a Ferrari.
Never doubt that I'm red.
I am amazing. Plush, sleek, fun and oh so good to the driver. Sure Ferrari's have their faults but not many Ferrari owners complain. In fact, truthfully, most people don't aim that high.
Most people are extremely happy with a Toyota or Honda. I'm personally a huge Honda fan. Reliability and all.
I started thinking that I was a Ferrari when Tyler was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This humorous thought was a coping mechanism for me. I would tell myself that I was simply being thrown in high gear and wasn't used to it but was taking the corners beautifully. I was made by God for speed and high performance.

I'm discovering that not only had I been letting the wrong person drive (me) I've also been looking at trials the wrong way. I needed to remember my analogy. That I was a Ferrari, built for speed and high performance.

I'm kinda showing alot of wear these days but it doesn't change my intrinsic value. Even in a junk yard a Ferrari is worth more than a Ugo. (spelling? you know the dumpy little car I'm talking about)
You can throw a Ferrari away but that doesn't change the fact that the right set of eyes will know exactly what they are looking at.

I also delight in playfully naming my friends and family. Katie is of course a red Ferrari like her mom. Tyler is perhaps a Range Rover? Or Muscle Car? Something all boy but built for a rough time. After all this kid is amazing and no one would ever know the trauma he has had to endure. (FUCK TUMORS).

I'm thinking KIA, fits Mike. Cute and likable enough on the outside but that's it.
You can see how this is fun, yes?

I'm getting alot of loving advice to slow down. It's not really possible. I've gone as slow as I can. The trigger was pulled and not by me. I'm simply letting God back in the drivers seat and letting him teach me how I was built for speed. Built for Higher Performance. I'm going to learn again how the right driver takes corners with precision.

 

The begining of the end.

Mike and I sat down tonight and I told him what I'd learned from Legal Assistance on Friday.

It's pathetic really. Divorce is so easy that they have a packet you can download and fill out all by yourself. Then you file and wait. A whopping 18-30 days. That's it.

14 years of marriage, dissolved.

I'm reeling.

While I'm just crying over spilt milk here I keep thinking that if I'd just known before the affair....

Ugh.

We had a good talk. We were friendly and stayed on topic. Topics I'd prepared, cried over, prayed over and given to God. It was horribly civil.

 
So that's that. We start filling out our internet packet tomorrow. The kids will start public school and I start a crash course in Real Estate next week. I'll finish the Real Estate course by Oct 8th. The grandparents are going to visit, hug on the kids and then we move. Right now it's looking like our official move date is mid-October but I will need to call for housing first.

I'm officially getting a divorce.

I'm packing the kids, favorite toys, Christmas ornament and photos. That's it. We're starting over. It's terrifying and yet I see a bright future on the horizon.





 

I'm a giant freaking ninny.

Turn from sin.
Flee from sin.
Sure, duh.

As I've read this in the past I thought turning from sin was more of a...turn off the TV kinda thing. I've seen fleeing from evil like a silly cartoon where you're chased by a big dog.
In every situation I thought I wasn't in sin but just looking at the possibility of sinning and walking away.
Turning off the tv can be tough but it isn't painful. Not walking into a dark alley, creepy bar, seems like a good idea.

I'm learning something new here. This time I'm being asked to flee from sin. Not as an act of running away because I'm scared but as a physical distance from sin. This time I wasn't on the outside looking in but rather in too deep and totally invested.

This time it is painful. Like being asked to chop off your own arm painful. However, like that movie (that I refuse to watch) about the hiker that does indeed chop off his own arm to live, I too must do this to live. When that movie came out (still never gonna watch it) I wondered if I would have the strength of mind, character, etc to do whatever it takes to live. I guess I do. Or rather, I'm a giant freaking ninny, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I dreamed last night about my marriage. Good time and bad times feeling neutral but watching as I was sinking into the depths of the ocean with my eyes closed. Then at the last moment my eyes were opened and I was in so deep I literally woke up gasping for air. Awake in bed my dream finished. I saw myself struggling to do whatever it took to swim to the top and take a deep breath of air. On top of the waves I discovered a life vest and my kids. We headed towards an island of waving people happy to see us.

I just took it in. Shook my head, went and made coffee.

I then sat down to my morning bible study. A new study I started yesterday on retaining God's character during tough times. And read this,
"As you reflect back on the journey you've been on, how is God working in your heart and the lives of others to move out into new waters of faith and service for HIS glory?"
I got chills.

I will never doubt that this divorce wasn't exactly part of God's plan for my life. I'm not expecting to ever understand and I'm OK with that.

Quantum Physics has a silly little problem that scientists are always struggling with. Did this thing exist before we started looking for it or did it appear because we were looking for it?  Quacks the lot of them. These are the same people who are charging in with "facts" that God is just a good feeling you get from your frontal lobe. Sure.

The Bible says to Seek God and you WILL FIND HIM. God didn't just appear because I needed him. He's been actively seeking my heart. Now that's a love story! I'm so delighted to discover the daily treats He's got in store for me.
I said earlier that perhaps I didn't understand love. My heart has known more that it ever let on. I'm so glad that I've gotten out of my head and been given another chance to lead with my heart.

 

Learning Hate.

I knew someday I'd have to teach my children how to hate but I thought it was far off. Perhaps once they'd started dating. Never today.

Today Tyler snuggled up next to me on the couch and said, "I hate her mom. I want her to die."

Oh, sweetheart.

Our first lesson on hate had begun without me noticing.

"Tyler, no. You can't hate her. You can hate cheating. You can hate sin but you can't hate her."

"But Mom, she's terrible. She took Daddy."

"No, she's human. Sin is terrible and Daddy made a choice to sin."

"Can I hate Dad?"

This was a delicate dance that will require many more conversations. I wish I could just tell Tyler and have complete instant understanding but that's never gonna happen. I called Katie to join us.

Today we talked about hate.

Hate is powerful and can protect. When you hate innocent people being hurt, hate lying, and hate cheating you are standing for Love, Protection and Honesty. People sin though and do these things to us all the time. We are never to hate people. This is an interesting idea to the kids. They were highly interested that I was encouraging them to hate. To hate on purpose. That hating protects. This was something they'd never hear about or thought about.

Until this week hate was how you treated vegatables, showers and bedtime. It wasn't an issue about hating people. We'd learned about hateful people and to steer clear of them but this was diferent.

Learning how to HATE what their Daddy has done to them while not hating Dad.... Well, it's going to take direct intervetion from the Holy Spirit to understand.

I also told them that when you HATE the wrong way it's like peeing in the pool. Hating the wrong way is a poison to you and everyone around you. Hating people is destructive and destroys. It's weak and not God's plan. But that even God hates.

Proverbs 6:16-19

"Here are six things God hates, and

one more that he loathes with a passion:

eyes that are arrogant,

a tongue that lies,

hands that murder the innocent,

a heart that hatches evil plots,

feet that race down a wicked track,

a mouth that lies under oath,

a troublemaker in the family."

God hates. We are supposed to hate. Hating wrong causes pain and destroys peoples lives. Hating right means always lovingly, kindly, treating the person but being very immovable about what is wrong. It means being honest and assertive becaues you hate lies and sneakiness.

It means behaving with dignity because you hate and refuse to manipulate.

Hating God's way is constructive. Hating sin but loving the sinner allows you to stand against sin and still forgive the person.

Take a stand against dishonesty, abuse, disrespect, control, oppression. Hate them. When you dont' you lower the standards in your life. Just like water dribbles down to the lowest spot on the ground, if you allow mistreatment, then people who mistreat others will find you and give you what you tolerate.

Never tolerate sin.

Proverbs 6:32

"Adultery is a brainless act, soul-destroying, self-destructive; Expect a bloody nose, a black eye, and a reputaion ruined for good." The Message

"A man who takes part in adultery has no sense; he will destroy himself." NIV

Poor Mike. He's currently a brainless troublemaker in the family. Destroying himself but we are still called to love him. We are to hate adultery, cheating, lying, troublemaking but never Mike.

You try telling this to the troublemakers son. I hope Tyler is even able to listen. I hate what sin is doing to us. I hate seeing that look of pain on my childrens faces but this isn't ever going away.

If you know someone who is struggling in their marrage please share my blog with them so they can better count the cost of divorce. The price is so very high.

I'm counting the cost of my actions each and every day. I'm both honored and saddened to teach my children about sin. They are better understanding their personal salvation in a way that most 9 and 12 year olds don't have to face.

We're going to lean in and learn from our problems. We just learned that problems can be dealt with in three ways.

1. Change yourself. ( If your neighbor is noisy can you just ignore it? Work on your attitude?)

2. Change your enviroment simply. ( Would moving to another room solve it? Can you wear headphones to drown them out?)

3. Remove the problem or yourself. ( Can you move apartments? Can you go outside? Can you ask them to turn it down?)

However I'm not sure this applies this time.

I've learned that you just don't tolerate sin. If the person involved can't help but continue to sin than you have to remove yourself from them. You don't just sit by and watch. You flee from evil.

If you watch some murder an innocent and do nothing you are an assessory.

Because I told Tyler and Katie that hating wrong was like peeing in the pool they figured out that it was something people do but don't admit to. They are sharp kids. I agree that far too often even Christians think we have to tolerate everything to love the sinner. Or they end up hating the Sinner just as much as the Sin.

Oh man is this a hard hard lesson to teach your kids. I've never been so personally violated and struggled so hard to hate properly.

I'm not entirely sure I like that Jesus died on the cross to save people from such behaviour. I kinda don't mind sinners burning in hell. That is until I remember that there is no sin scale and I'm kinda totally a sinner...For all have sinned.....bummer.

I'd much rather have taught my kids how to make a cake.

Rejoice, Give and Do something.

God's sense of humor isn't lost on me and I'm been given opportunities to laugh this morning.

I woke up to encouraging texts, coffee and GLEE. The new season starts with some of my favorite people struggling with new beginings. I felt right at home.

I then proceeded to be reminded of things I say. Which is both awesome, frightening, and hilarious.

When we struggled with losing everything financially in Denver, God's lessons on Rejoicing Always started. Since then I've tried to keep champange in my fridge as a physical reminder that I'm to celebrate. It's a symbol of Rejoicing the good times. God's plan is to give us hope and a future!
(As a side note my friend Jo also told me I was just looking for excuses to party but...can you blame me?)

When we struggled through the valley of the shadow of death with Tyler I was taught to GIVE EVERYTHING to God.

During Deployment I learned that a bad attitude and a good attitude can NOT co exsist. It's like a coin, only one side can ever face up at a time. I've had great joy sharing coins with other deployed wives and hearing how this has also blessed them.

Rejoice, Give, and Do.

I've got a list started of all the doo doing I need to be doing...hee hee.
Thank you for supporting me, praying for me and please stay with me while I ...(can't resist) doo do.

What Doesn't Kill you....

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Really? What about diarrhea while camping? Does it really make you stronger?
This is one of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes jokes. I have a terrible sense of humor. So do most of you, egging me on all the time.

Today was terrible and not terrible. Diarrhea while camping would qualify as all terrible, FYI.

I'm riding quite a roller coaster.
One minute I'm justifying and forgiving and in utter denial.
Immediately I remember fresh hurts.
I'm still broken that Tyler climbed into bed with me crying last night. I'm torn up that he petted my hair and I realized it's been far too long since I've had loving touch.
Which makes me mad.
So I start telling myself that it's okay to be mad. That anybody would be mad if they discovered "cancer" in their house.
So I get a little sad that the "cancer" is my husband.
Realizing that I have to act soon. Not really ready to do anything. Today is official one week.

Ugh.

Did you recognize all the stages of grief? It's almost a tragic comedy performance. I can do all of them at lightening speed. I stop on different stages each go round.

I did get a chance to talk to some wonderful people who helped me hold it together.
Then I saw Mike friended his girlfriend on FB. Ugh.Words can't describe this, it required lots of leaking.

So I spent the evening at a friends house. She and I ate pizza and laughed at songs, silly stuff and vented.
Going through all the stages of grief in mere moments. Who knew couches could be roller coasters?

Grief is really hard work.

I did get a few gifts though. I loved all my phone calls. You know who you are. Each person uplifting me in a different way. Encouraging me gently while letting me know they loved me.

I need that.

I felt very attacked by thoughts of wrongs today. It was extremely hard to focus on God. To hide my heart in HIM. To don the armour of God. Ridiculously hard today.

It's just so hard to watch your children cry. Divorce is so very very ugly.
However, I couldn't stand for letting cancer live in my body. I did have a tumor cut out of my son's head far to recently for my heart to forget. God required nothing less than ALL then and God is asking for nothing less this time. I know that you can't allow a "cancer" room to grow. I'm feeling very much like I'm being asked to perform self heart surgery.

Today I felt like I didn't have much to give. My ALL has been beaten down by tears. I'm glad to give it to Him. I realize I'm no one's Saviour. I can do nothing without HIM and ALL THINGS through/with HIM. However, regardless of how positive I might be this makes me very very tired.

Tonight I must simply find rest. I'm very grateful that God promises in Him I can.


 

I'm all right?

Yeah, it's the middle of the night but I felt a prompting to share what was on my mind.

I have a deep seated, irrational fear. Everyone does. It's not silly but it's so unlikely that I can't believe I waste time on it. I'm sorta afraid of really deep water. Mostly because my imagination is so amazing that I can come up with some fantastic sea monsters lurking in those deep waters. However, that's not it. I hate hate hate creepy crawlies. Those of you who carry this deep seated fear skip down a bit.

When I was 14 and on a babysitting job I walked into a dark room and started the ceiling fan only to have roached shower down on me. Lots of screaming. I took of my shirt trying to get them off of me and....well that 10yr boy has mentioned many many times that I was the love of his life as a boy.

However, thats not it either. I'm afraid of amputation. Not on others. I'm not freaked out by trauma faced by others. I'm not even afraid of having to do it to someone else. Yes, I've exaimed this fully. I'm horribly afraid of losing a piece of me.

I just woke up from a horrible nightmare. I was lying in a hospital bed and my entire left side had been removed. It was such a vivid dream from my perspective that I felt numb. I figured that made about as much sense as Mike asking for a divorce, which one is real?

I'm going through all the stages of grieve but acceptance. I'm kinda refusing to get that far yet. In the meantime I race through each stage throughout the day feeling like a nutcase. The "rollercoaster" ride of a lifetime.

So I'm laying in a hosptial bed. A sheet is covering my body and the sheet doesn't look right. I'm no longer whole. A nurse stops in to bring me flowers and tells me that I have visitors. They all file in and tell me I'm going to be fine. It will be an adjustment but I'll be better for it.
Many of them are also "half" a person. They all function beautifully. Each in their own way. In wheel chairs, on crutches, prosthetics, etc... but all just half a person.
Learning to keep their heads turned slightly so that they appear whole.
"You're strong and this will make you stronger."

Sure. Cause basically, I'm all right now. Ha ha. Joke's on me. I'm all right. My left side has been removed. Of course I'm going to be stronger I have to compensate for the loss of my entire left side.

I was very relieved to wake up.
I also laughed. I love humor for healing so much that I can't decided if the dream was a gift or an attach and decided it doesn't matter cause I like laughing. Laughing heals me as much as crying does.

Before everyone starts hopping up and down listen closely, I realize that the left side was where I was letting God live, not Mike. I was letting myself be half a person because I was doing it all myself.
Oops.

God's plan for me is to be whole. I do know what that looks like. A right and a left side, ha ha.
God knit me together...not symetical but on purpose. His purpose.

I've been loving 100% in my marriage. Trying to tempt with sex. Keeping favorite drinks in the fridge. I've enjoyed it. I never realized I was compensating. Turning my head ever so slightly to look whole.

God reminded me that He has a GOOD plan for me. A plan to give me HOPE. Jeremiah 29:11-13 in the message reads,

"I say this because I know what I am planning for you,"

 says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you.

 I will give you hope and a good future.

Then you will call my name (check).

You will come to me and pray to me (check, check.)

 and I will listen to you (check again).

You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me!"

Going back to my dream, I read the words, search with all your heart and wondered if it was even possible to search without the other half of my heart. God reminded me that He was there all along. I could have been whole with Him the entire time.

I'm able to go back to sleep now. It's not even 4am. I've been given God's peace once more. I KNOW that I'm going to Whole. Which is more that...hee hee....All right.

After stewing.

I love getting to stew on things for a day. I always have.
I imagine that it's easy to see what I've been thinking as you really don't need to be a mindreader since I'm blogging.

It's been gently pointed out to me that...blah blah, this and that, blah blah. I'd like to share where my heart is at this moment hoping to make the mud clear.

I've discovered that the intamcy in marriage that God planned for us has been missing in my life. That means to me that I don't truly understand love. I'm not in any way blaming anyone. It's like discovering that there are more flavors of ice cream than vanilla. Awe inspiring. Makes you to know exactly what God meant.
I offically crave to know true intamcy and don't know if I'll settle ever again. That's what God showed me this morning.

God's strengthened and loved me over the last couple of days so much that I'm offically spoiled rotten. I never want to not be spoiled by God. It's brilliant. So my heart cries and it's hard to take because growing up always is. Plus being a know-it-all I don't like having new information so late in the game.

As for the rest. I do need to treat my outsides as well as I've been treating my insides. I've been not eating or drinking. It just hurt too much. Not eating is a bad idea. Now my kids kept insisting on meals and no one other than me was starving but I was directly being told to stop it. So I'm not making charts and planning to spend hours as the yet. I did drink enough water today and breakfast and lunch. We'll see about dinner as it's not going so well. I need to be more gentle.

Now for a little bit deeper.

I'm craving and contemplating all this intamcy stuff. It's big. (hee hee, that's what she said)
Seriously though, it makes Mike's betrayal hurt more. It also makes the cross more real. Mike isn't the first or the last person to sin. And there isn't a sin scale so little white lies are the same as an affair in God's book.
This is interesting. There's a book by Townsend and Cloud...like Nine things you must do? It's somewhere and I'm looking for it. I remember reading that every Christian needs to learn to HATE RIGHT. That whole Hate the Sin, not the sinner.

Well, I get that but.... I'm also thinking I hate anything that isn't exactly God's plan for me. I'm becoming more timid as I look into my recent and not so recent past to see all the ways I've separated myself, willingly from God.
And I HATE Separation from God.

It's been a really good day for stewing. Weather almost feels like fall......
 

DisneyWorld.

I didn't feel like sharing before my coffee this morning but I did. Now I get to share with you the gift I realize I was given. I'd much rather share good things. I'm still not sold on sharing my dirty laundry with you all but God is insisting. I'm not in the mood to tell God I've got a headache. That would come back to bite me so I'll behave and keep obeying.

So this gift.
We got to go to Disney World for the first time every last Christmas. It's as awesome as they say. It delights in so many many ways. I'm not sure if I loved Space Mountain or the Teacups best. I loved seeing people celebrate and being happy. The economy didn't matter, Disney is always packed.
Truly a magical place.
But..you knew this was coming....
I wouldn't want to ride Space Mountain for weeks on end.
I wouldn't love living out of a hotel after a while.
I would truly hate having to eat vacation food for more than just a while.
Disney World is a magic place to visit not live.

We are called to live in Christ. He's got the best roller coasters. His food satisfies forever. He's also got the best gift shop ever. Yeah, I love the gift shop.

I've decided to view the last 14 years this way. God planted this in my mind as a gift. A totally rocking one. I've just had the best time but I wasn't living in Christ.
My marriage was part Space Mountain, long lines, and wonderful treats that never satify like HIM.
I'm going to tell people about my marriage like I share about Disney.

You tell people the highlights. That is if you have friends...complainers don't as a rule.
I got the best souveniers. Two beautiful awesome amazing children.
(I'm grateful that souvenier isn't possible anymore...LOL)
I enjoyed the rides while they lasted.
I'm slightly more mature now and realized nothing but God lasts forever. (My maturity is mere moments old so lets not get all excited)

I really loved Disney World.

Ugh. Pruning Sucks.

I'm probably going to get a bit raw this morning.
It's where I am.

Yesterday was really good. My morning devotional asked me to lay my day at God's feet and I did it easily. It was far too easy. For one thing I barely had a clue what I had in mind for the day. It's easy to give something away when you haven't counted it's value.

It ended extremely well for me. I was invited to a BibleStudy and went. The kids loved it. I loved it. I was informed by the kids that they didn't think church was supposed to happen just anywhere. (We met at someone's house because as yet this group doesn't have a building.)
I laughed but felt like perhaps we need to be talking about God more as a family.

I got to wallow in talking about God last night. It's awesome. You're just not supposed to sit around with a group of people talking about loving the same man but you are, you do and it's crazy wonderful. It really helps that God isn't really man...

I got home and pulled together my new room. Most of yesterday was spent getting me a place of rest in my house that was new to me.

The house we just bought is both bigger than our last place and smaller. We planned on finishing what I call, the creepy basement, so we gave Katie the master bedroom. Not a huge deal because houses on the East Coast in this price range are clueless about master bathrooms. (I almost wish there was a law that master bedrooms always have a bathroom. Mostly cause I get up to pee all night and it's way better to just go through one doorway instead of two with a journey down the hall)

Basically my bedroom has been makeshift for the last month. It makes resting possible but not peaceful. I do so like my creature comforts.

The problem is my bed. My king size bed is really fabulous but I don't know if I can look at it even. That was my marriage bed. I'm also a little pissed at my couch right now but that's just petty because I never slept there.
Hating furniture is hard work.
I'm trying not to.
But just a glance fills my heart with thoughts I don't want to think.

I'm not sure I'm supposed to go there. To think about the affair. It didn't happen in this house. This house is too new. I'm very grateful for that. That bed still represents my marriage. I used to take great care in dressing it. More care than I spend dressing myself. Some girls like shoes, I love sheets and blankets. I love textures to snuggle down into. I like changing the mood with flannel or the silky ones. I love a comfy bed.

I woke up many times last night to travel my hallway. (Pee...LOL Katie hates it when I announce I've gotta go. So of course I tell her every time.) I was in a new bed last night. A bed that has never touched my marriage. Figures I'd be plagued with mental pictures of an affair in my new bed.
I can't seem to stop them.

I figured the best way to stop them would be to open my bible and get my God Focus on. Here is how my morning biblestudy read. 1 Corinthians 6:16-20

There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. (OH GOD!)

Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. (Please no, I can't hear this.)

As written in Scripture, The two become one. (I had to set my bible aside. I was leaking too much to see at this point. I'm so tired of leaking. WHY? WHY THIS?)

Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever - the kind of sex that can never become one. (I haven't.....oh wait. I ahhhhhhhhhhhh..I have. Plenty of times I've used Mike just because I was freaking horney. I figured guys want sex so big deal. I'm married so I don't have to work on intimacy. I am so so so very sorry Lord)

There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. (I really can't read any more LORD. I know you've given me your strength but I can't. I can't think about Mike with HER. I can't think about ME every having Sex again. Make the pain stop, Lord please!)

In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. (STOP. Leave me with enough bodily fluids to survive! Please Stop.)

Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the HOLY SPIRIT? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? (YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG ZEMAN. Please, stop. Oh Lord, No. Not now. I just can't.)

The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.

 

I put down my bible and just sobbed. Why this? I'm not the one that cheated Lord!

Feeling HIS presence besides me, HE gave me the strength to move to the devotional part. OUCH.

Putting into perspective, made it worse and I was doing so good. NOPE.

It asked if you'd attend a church that didn't bother keeping up the outside of the building. Forgot to mow their lawn, let their flower beds be in disarray. I had a brief moment of pride here, (I can be really slow and stupid) that I dress well and have made an effort to look nice through all of this.

Yeah...stupid.

"Renewal can look different for everyone. In what ways do you need to renew your body?" Uh oh.

"Stop cleaning just the inside."

To be fair I thought I would lose of few pounds through water loss and was counting it as a silver lining in all this.

Ugh.

So renewal can look diferent for everyone and for some it's diet and exercise. Double ugh again.

Now I'm supposed to find where I need to renew my body and ask for God to renew me.

No.

I've already had my heart cut out. I don't want to deal with being a plush sized Christian. I don't.

I've heard enough.

I went to FB.

I knew better but it's was just as well. I was still leaking at this point and it messes with seeing....so I was just staring at my computer. Grieving over sin. My sin.

Today I get to ask for God to renew me on the outside. Which I guess means I'm where HE wants me on the inside. UGH.

Today's gonna bite. Of course I looked up and saw my encouragement wall in my new room. Totally made myself posters of verses and stuff.

10 Things God wants you to remember.

He will give you rest. (It used to say "I" but when I made it up for me I changed it.)

He will strengthen you.

He will answer you.

He believe's in you.

He will bless you.

He is for you.

He will NOT fail.

He will provide for you.

God loves you.

 

Ouch. Double ouch. More leaking. I should consider stock in tissues if God's going to keep this up in my life. Perhaps sugar too for all the stinking lemonade.

 

This one really bites.

I didn't want to think about sex.

I really don't want to think about how I've not been getting it right. I'd already decided that since any man who was going to get that chance had to go through GOD to get me that I'd just be celibate til then. I figured GOD being so big and all it was going to be a long dry spell. I was going to put all thoughts of sex out of my mind.

So I tortured myself with thoughts of others having sex.

Brilliant. Way to rock guarding your heart.

So GOD's pruning away again.

 

My whole body is weeping. It's going to be quite a renewal if I can make it through today.

 

 

I'm such an utter DORK.

I woke up new today.
I woke up so in love with my Lord and Saviour.
I'm such an utter DORK. Daughter OF the Risen King!!

I cried this morning in the shower because I hurt that I've neglected my God. I'm guilty of not taking care of our relationship.

I read an article about repairing marriage that said traditional counseling isn't working because it focuses on talking through your problems. I think I mentioned before that I believe what you focus on grows? Yeah, I can see how focusing on problems isn't exactly a good plan.

This article continued that the focus needed to be LOVE. I immediately thought, God is LOVE. I like this article. I'm digging it.

It had alot of "assessments" to test the health of your relationships. I love that. Like a Cosmo quiz. I took all of the quizzes. I took them first for my marriage and then for my spiritual life. I didn't score so hot. Not exactly surprising.

While my marriage is completely out of my hands (in God's now). My love life with Christ is completely in my control.

That's the gift of choice that God gave us to choose HIM. It's better than diamonds. I'm ashamed that I keep letting the little distractions of life let me forget that.

I've hurt like I was run over by a truck and I've been treating my relationship with God no better. Sure I attend church. I say I believe. I ask blessings on my meals. I go through the motions and mean it but this article challenged me diferently.

"Do you stop what you are doing to give your full attention to your LOVE?" Ah...no? I'm guilty of multitasking? Praying while showering, driving, cooking. Thought that was enough. You mean God wanted me to focus on HIM for more than short "texts" through out my day? He wants to FEAST with me?

"Do you go on vacations getting away with just your LOVE to focus just on how much you LOVE each other?" Do what? Huh?
What an amazing idea! I'm going to start planning a yearly LOVE vacation with my Saviour! I'm going to treat it like a Disney vacation! What planning videos, save, dream, getting excited to spend a week TOTALLY IN HIS PRESENCE. What brilliance. I'm sad I didn't think of this sooner. I've said that I love the LORD but I haven't done as much for our relationship.

Love is an action not a passive thought. Love is amazing. Love is enough. GOD IS LOVE.

I'm so priviledge to be a DORK.

I'm not fighting.

I'm feeling a need to say this again.

Colossians 3:10 You have begun to live the new life, in which you are being made new and are becoming like the One who made you. This new life brings you the true knowledge of God.

When I refer to my new life this is what I mean. I've recieved many loving messages encouraging me to fight for my marriage. Um...no?

I'm going to fight for my new life renewed in Christ.

When I was born again my body didn't change. I still looked just like me on the outside.
My new life could very well be with Mike Zeman but I'm not the one who gets to decide this.

I'm hiding my heart in Christ. I'm focusing on letting HIM decide all I do. HE's the one who will be doing all the fighting. NOT ME.

This isn't my problem anymore. I gave it, my marriage, the raising of my children, and my life to CHRIST. I'm confident that the outcome is exactly what I want. I crave to live the life GOD made for me.

God's writing this love story. The princess isn't required to slay the dragon. My Savior's got this one.

 

As a rule, I step on worms.

This morning I woke up and didn't feel like blogging. Hanging all my dirty laundry out is scary. The response has been humbling, crazy and frightening.
I feel as though God is telling me to let my weaknesses be put under a spotlight so that He can use them. I've argued that this plan might have alot of flaws. Mostly my flaws. Hard to believe since I'm so fabulous but there it is.

I've been searching high and low for information. I've read crazy stuff on the internet about divorce. I'd rather be sleeping but I find that God is still blessing me with rest. More on that later.

So as I'm trolling online in the wee hours of the night I see a poster of a woman about to dive off a cliff to swim. The caption read, "Her heart is so bound to God that in order for a man to find her, he must seek Him."
THAT'S IT!!! 
Oh yeah. That's what I want. So I'm going to start by saying it here, "In order to get to me you must GO THROUGH GOD". I'm feeling a bit hurt, mad and snotty so say it like a mobster.

I've been asked, "What do you want?" so many times my head is reeling with it. I sat down on Sunday and wrote this,

"I want to live a God Centered,

God Celebrated,

Abundantly Lavishly Loved Life."

 

It's perfect. Exactly what I want. Says nothing but solves everything. This is another one of those, if you don't know God than don't bother reading further you won't ever understand.

 

Add them together and it's awesome just like me.

 

However, that's not really sharing any flaws with you. Which is important at this point.

 

My kids are so mad right now. We've revoked the name Dad or Daddy. We debated on using, "He who must not be named" but I pointed out it would make things ackward for me to explain to people that I was married to Lord Voldemort. Tyler wanted to point out that they have the same hair so it still worked for him. We finally settled on Mike. It's just like us to use humor to cope but our hearts are bleeding steadily.

 

I told the kids today that this is why Jesus died on the cross. EXACTLY this sin was on the cross. You could have heard a pin drop. My kids both accepted Christ as Savior in 2009 so they've heard all about this many times but it was interesting to see them connect sin happening right now to the cross. We talked about how someday we need to be at the point where we forgive like Christ forgives but that we're going to have to learn how to do it. Right now that kind of forgiveness is completely beyond our grasp of understanding. We only understand that it requires God completely. There is no way we could ever get there alone.

 

I've been blessed beyond measure the last four days. Crazy right? I had an amazing, new friend hug on me, feed me and kids while holding us together the first two days. Then on Monday night another friend took over and is staying with us. Mike is alone. I grieve for how he has hidden himself away. Unable to allow God to minister to him.

 

I grieve for a life that is over. Whatever happen,s that marriage will never be as it was. Which is a good thing. We're moving forward. We're getting rid of the crap. Think of it like this, we were hoarding (like the TV Show) and Clean House (GOD) is putting it back together right. I hurt like hell. I agree with one friend that described it like, "having your guts scattered about for others to walk on". I both thrilled to see the crap go and wondering what all God considers crap?

 

I threw away all my romance novels. I heard God tell my heart that I wouldn't need them in my new life. I started to gather them for goodwill and I clearly heard, TRASH THEM HONEY! They are at the curb. This is huge. I love (loved) to drown my sorrows in a "good" book. We're talking probably 100+ books here. Which kinda convicted me that I've been wasting good time. I'm not thinking I would have spent that time reading the bible. I did pride myself too much for reading instead of watching tv. It was the same results. It was an addiction. An Idol. Ah man.....

 

I've started touching everything in the house really asking myself if I will need this in my new life. Do I have a clue what that new life looks like? Nope. It's been four freakin days. I've no clue. I've just been crying and sick to my stomach with pain but honestly, I don't want it to stop.

I don't want to rewind.

I NEED this pain to cleanse my life. James explains why.

 

James 1:2 (the Message)

Consider is a sheer gift, friends,

 when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.

 (Check, check, check..)

 3. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open

 and shows its true colors.

 4. So DON'T TRY TO GET OUT OF ANYTHING PREMATURELY.

Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

 

Scary awesome how God ALWAYS knows how to get you? Right? It continues

 

James 1:5 If you don't know what you're doing ,

pray to the Father. He loves to help.

You'll get his help and won't be condescended to when you ask for it.

 6. ASK BOLDLY, BELIEVINGLY,

 without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves.

7. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, 8. adrift at sea, keeping your options open.

 

Which brings me to the today's title. I asked Mike for a face to face today. When I asked it's because I thought I'd have some info to pass along. I didn't really. It was really really hard to look at him.

On the one hand he's the man I married. On the other hand he's a complete stranger. I asked him alot of the questions that people have been telling me I need answers too. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to ask or know the answers but I did.

 

Ugh. Such a horrible cliche. "I tried" "It just happened" "blah blah blah"...yeah I don't exactly think I have the right to air his dirty laundry. I will admit that I enjoyed using coarse naughty words to tell him EXACTLY how I feel. I'm apparently not better than that. It was theraputic.

 

I asked him how he thought this would go? What did he want? What did he not want? How does he see himself interacting with the kids?

He doesn't know.

Ah Mike, don't be a worm. If you're going to rip my heart out at least know what you plan on doing with it.

 

I'm going to BOLDLY ASK GOD, to guard my heart. To be the center of my life. He's totally there. Wanted to have that place all along.

 

SATAN! IF YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH GOD FIRST!! BACK OFF!!!

 

Yeah, I'm spoken for. I'm God's and today I'm mad as hell.

 

 





God's Perfect.

If you don't know God than this won't make a lick of sense and you might as well stop reading.
 I do and I'm floored.
God is so on top of things it's almost frightening.

I hardly know where to begin. Two days has felt like a month. In two days I have been encouraged and uplifted and prayed for in abundance.

This morning I opened my devotional app and was floored. Stunned. In a good way. Colossians 3, (not sure which translation) "Your old life is dead. You are being renewed in Christ." Every single word filling my soul.
I know which way is up today. I have been equipted and dressed by God. I wear His Label. I'm to practice forgiveness as He has forgiven me. I say practice only because I'm not sure I can even begin to comprehend this kind of forgiveness fully.

Colossians 3:10 You have begun to live the new life, in which you are being made new and are becoming like the One who made you. This new life brings you the true knowledge of God.

15 Let the peace that Christ gives control your thinking, because you were all called together in one body to have peace. Always be thankful.

Let me repeat that...Let the peace that Christ gives control your thinking.
Awesome. On FB a dear sweet friend reminded me of words I have often said, "When it gets to be too much I just throw up my hands and tell God he's got this one. That I'm done." LOL Yup. It's really the only way to go.

Many of you have encouraged me and uplifted me. Many of you have said very wise things. Thank you. Thank you for caring enough to private message me. Thank you for caring enough to correct me, guide me and love me.

I ended my last post with, "I'm getting a divorce." I perhaps jumped the gun. It took me a while to remember I'm not good at doing what I'm told. I never got a chance to add my two cents and was about to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Not like me at all. I offer my two cents without being asked all the time. Makes me charming, right?

His Ways are not My Ways. So I can truthfully say that I have no idea how this story ends. I've thought of a few endings I can live with but at the same time I realize that God's plan for me is what I crave.

Why am I sharing all this? Am I just looking for attention? Wanting to soak up all the sympathy? While I'll freely admit the sympathy is a balm to my soul. That's not it. When we struggled with discovering Tyler's tumor I learned about the strength of leaning on Jesus. I learned about the opportunity to build community with fellow Christians. We are all the body of Christ and my messages are meant to tell you that you need to take care with the part that is me and mine. You all are a gift but you're not mind readers. While I trust the Holy Spirit can certainly prompt you to pray for me out of the blue I feel HE is blessing me by letting me be HIS instrument.

I strive to PRAISE HIS NAME.

So I've listened. I'm not going to pull any triggers, too many triggers at once. I'm going to teach my children that we are to forgive but that doesn't mean we lay down at the front door and become doormats. I'm going to pray extremely hard for Mike, for me and for my sweet babies.
I'm going to continue gathering information.
I'm going to Thank God even though I don't quite understand.
I'm going to be better, stronger and more loving because of this. Not in spite of it but because I understand that this is God working in my life to make me fully HIS.

Please don't stop praying. Please continue to share with me on FB. Know that it is the power of all that prayer that has transformed my attitude. (Into what will eventually become clear)

Together let us PRAISE GOD for the "cleaning" taking place at my house.
 

Irony revealing Iron

It's ironic really. On Thursday I posted that I was learning over and over again the power of choice. That when life hands you lemons you can make lemonade or margaritas! Little did I understand that this was God preparing me.
God does that.
Friday started off great. Mike had the day off so we played at the Mall. Had an amazing lunch where the kids raved about the food. Went to the Ben Franklin Institute and saw the Dead Sea Scrolls. Watched a really cool documentary about Trains and the Rocky Mountains.
That evening Mike told me he wanted a Divorce. He's having an affair. He needs a clean break and a fresh start.
Ouch.
The first thing I did was get in the car and saught some privacy to grieve. Then I started calling my friends. I didn't realize it at the time but what I was doing was mobilizing the troops. I called for prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. I cried. Then I cried some more. I'm sure I'll keep that up for a while. Its hard work grieving.
Saturday morning I told the kids. We all cried.
I got on FB and the first thing I saw was a picture posted by my friend April. TEN THINGS GOD WANTS YOU TO REMEMBER.( I immediately shared.)
I will give you rest.
I will strengthen you.
I will answer you.
I believe in you.
I will bless you.
I am for you.
I will not fail you.
I will provide for you.
I will be with you.
I love you.

EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.
My day continued in a similar vien. I cried. God provided. I called for more people to pray.
As I went to bed last night I felt loved. I knew I would find rest.
This is amazing to me.

I woke up this morning feeling like I been grieving for weeks. It's just Sunday. Each time I woke up in the night I was reminded of a verse. I briefly thought about writing them all done immediately but sleep won out. I'll write them now.
James1. "Consider it pure joy when you face trials".
Philipians 13:1-" I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me"
? "I am the vine, remain in me...and grow".(flourish)
Galations," Prepare for battle with the armor of God".
"Think on these things....but the greatest of these is love"
I realized that the trials I'm facing are actually answered prayers. Go figure. I've been praying for God to fill me with his love. To shower me with HIS blessings. To guide my life. To prune me to HIS likeness. (I shoulda thought about that one?)
This is quite a pruning. Not what I had in mind but then it never is. I do know that GOD'S plans are greater than mine.
I know that once an item has been pruned it doesn't grow on the plant anymore.

I'm contacting JAG on Monday and moving forward with divorce. Mike is completely closed to trying and I'm not sure but that it's a good thing that this is so final.

When I called on everyone to pray they did and its been aweseome. Dont' stop! I need it.
Today I'm going to teach my kids about the armor of God. We are going to don Hope Faith and Love. I believe that whatever you focus on grows so we are going to focus on God's Love.
Please remind me of this everytime more focus is off.
I need you're help here.
We've just had a drastic pruning but like my basil we will thrive.
Ironically I just dug up, split and pruned a huge basil plant during the move. I was able to use it as an analogy with the kids. Tyler mentioned that the new growth even tastes better.
God has provided. He will continue to provide.

I'm getting a divorce. Please Pray.
 

Horrible Rotten Terrible No Good Bad Days

So you've had a bad day. It happens to the best of us.

Recently I've been hearing about some super rotten bad days. Days, weeks, months where nothing goes right. Seriously bad days.

My hairstylist has lost tons of clients due to layoffs and what nots. Her mother is in the hospital and so is her grandmother. She's divorced and having issues on that front. The entire salon chips in at that point. People dying, car accidents, cancer, and my personal favorite, bad hair days...at the salon. It's gotten so bad they started joking they needed a cleansing.

"We should get, like, one of those people in here"

"What like a séance?"

"No not like on Charmed but like..." "Oh crap it's on the tip of my tongue"

"A priest?"

"You know the movie with the girl whose head spins and she vomits?"

"Yeah, we need an eggorsism"

"I think you mean exorcism. Ex like in exercise."

"I really do need to get to the gym. Do you think I might just need to spend more time in the gym?"

Be sure to hear all this in your head with a Jersey accent. It's awesome.

Stop laughing I was talking about bad days. This is sad stuff.

I have another friend, who hopefully won't feel terribly outed when she recognizes herself, who is in the military and going through yet another move. Everything that can go wrong is going wrong. I would tell all but with her current luck it would give gremlins ideas to do even more crap to her.

I could go on and on about bad days. I can have one just because I got on the scale and didn't like what it said. Or for that matter bad hair days are miserable.

I could preach to you all and share many many verses about how God loves us and wants good things for us. (Thank you Joel O) I'm not going to bother. Truly bad days having you thinking atheist might be on to something.

I was watching one of my favorite silly sci fi shows. A dreadful addiction that keeps me sane. After all I'm not trapped on a spaceship trying to find my way home while running out of oxygen. On one corny episode they discovered a race of people that claimed where their descendants. Don't think about this too hard. Basically they'd accidentally been split in two and their counterparts ended up stranded on an alien planet, blah blah. The cool part was that their descendants quoted them like they were something special.

I got to wondering what would people say if they were quoting me? What gem would people pick up on? I have a super cool friend who says, "For the Love" all the freaking time. It's endearing. I'm not known for being super patient or super nice. Blunt I believe is a favorite word used to describe me.

Hm...

While I'm mulling over all these thoughts we as a family had an opportunity to get out and meet people. I find that while it's only been just over a year since Tyler was diagnosed with a brain tumor I don't want to tell everybody. Makes people weird. "Oh, honey, you're doing so well" "Oh you must be so strong." Yeah, yeah, I'm fabulous but I don't really care that it took a brain tumor for everyone to see it.

Ah ha! My quote.

"Life events shape me but I decide if they define me." Ruth Zeman

Sometimes life sucks and not a little but a lot. That doesn't mean my life sucks. That doesn't mean I want to look all puckered up like I suck lemons.

I have decided to describe Tyler to people not as a kid who had a brain tumor but a loveable brat who can talk your ears off. A kid who can tell a whopper so good you'll think it was the honest truth. Now if I can just get him to write them down he'll be a famous novelist in no time.

I'm still working on how I want to define myself. Mostly because I occasionally believe the lie, "just a housewife". I'm so much more than someone who cleans and cooks. I also run with scissors and laugh at naughty jokes.

So perhaps the next time you have a miserable rotten no good bad day, you'll remember to quote me. "Life events shape me but I decide if they define me."

Cheers.