What Doesn't Kill you....

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Really? What about diarrhea while camping? Does it really make you stronger?
This is one of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes jokes. I have a terrible sense of humor. So do most of you, egging me on all the time.

Today was terrible and not terrible. Diarrhea while camping would qualify as all terrible, FYI.

I'm riding quite a roller coaster.
One minute I'm justifying and forgiving and in utter denial.
Immediately I remember fresh hurts.
I'm still broken that Tyler climbed into bed with me crying last night. I'm torn up that he petted my hair and I realized it's been far too long since I've had loving touch.
Which makes me mad.
So I start telling myself that it's okay to be mad. That anybody would be mad if they discovered "cancer" in their house.
So I get a little sad that the "cancer" is my husband.
Realizing that I have to act soon. Not really ready to do anything. Today is official one week.

Ugh.

Did you recognize all the stages of grief? It's almost a tragic comedy performance. I can do all of them at lightening speed. I stop on different stages each go round.

I did get a chance to talk to some wonderful people who helped me hold it together.
Then I saw Mike friended his girlfriend on FB. Ugh.Words can't describe this, it required lots of leaking.

So I spent the evening at a friends house. She and I ate pizza and laughed at songs, silly stuff and vented.
Going through all the stages of grief in mere moments. Who knew couches could be roller coasters?

Grief is really hard work.

I did get a few gifts though. I loved all my phone calls. You know who you are. Each person uplifting me in a different way. Encouraging me gently while letting me know they loved me.

I need that.

I felt very attacked by thoughts of wrongs today. It was extremely hard to focus on God. To hide my heart in HIM. To don the armour of God. Ridiculously hard today.

It's just so hard to watch your children cry. Divorce is so very very ugly.
However, I couldn't stand for letting cancer live in my body. I did have a tumor cut out of my son's head far to recently for my heart to forget. God required nothing less than ALL then and God is asking for nothing less this time. I know that you can't allow a "cancer" room to grow. I'm feeling very much like I'm being asked to perform self heart surgery.

Today I felt like I didn't have much to give. My ALL has been beaten down by tears. I'm glad to give it to Him. I realize I'm no one's Saviour. I can do nothing without HIM and ALL THINGS through/with HIM. However, regardless of how positive I might be this makes me very very tired.

Tonight I must simply find rest. I'm very grateful that God promises in Him I can.


 

I'm all right?

Yeah, it's the middle of the night but I felt a prompting to share what was on my mind.

I have a deep seated, irrational fear. Everyone does. It's not silly but it's so unlikely that I can't believe I waste time on it. I'm sorta afraid of really deep water. Mostly because my imagination is so amazing that I can come up with some fantastic sea monsters lurking in those deep waters. However, that's not it. I hate hate hate creepy crawlies. Those of you who carry this deep seated fear skip down a bit.

When I was 14 and on a babysitting job I walked into a dark room and started the ceiling fan only to have roached shower down on me. Lots of screaming. I took of my shirt trying to get them off of me and....well that 10yr boy has mentioned many many times that I was the love of his life as a boy.

However, thats not it either. I'm afraid of amputation. Not on others. I'm not freaked out by trauma faced by others. I'm not even afraid of having to do it to someone else. Yes, I've exaimed this fully. I'm horribly afraid of losing a piece of me.

I just woke up from a horrible nightmare. I was lying in a hospital bed and my entire left side had been removed. It was such a vivid dream from my perspective that I felt numb. I figured that made about as much sense as Mike asking for a divorce, which one is real?

I'm going through all the stages of grieve but acceptance. I'm kinda refusing to get that far yet. In the meantime I race through each stage throughout the day feeling like a nutcase. The "rollercoaster" ride of a lifetime.

So I'm laying in a hosptial bed. A sheet is covering my body and the sheet doesn't look right. I'm no longer whole. A nurse stops in to bring me flowers and tells me that I have visitors. They all file in and tell me I'm going to be fine. It will be an adjustment but I'll be better for it.
Many of them are also "half" a person. They all function beautifully. Each in their own way. In wheel chairs, on crutches, prosthetics, etc... but all just half a person.
Learning to keep their heads turned slightly so that they appear whole.
"You're strong and this will make you stronger."

Sure. Cause basically, I'm all right now. Ha ha. Joke's on me. I'm all right. My left side has been removed. Of course I'm going to be stronger I have to compensate for the loss of my entire left side.

I was very relieved to wake up.
I also laughed. I love humor for healing so much that I can't decided if the dream was a gift or an attach and decided it doesn't matter cause I like laughing. Laughing heals me as much as crying does.

Before everyone starts hopping up and down listen closely, I realize that the left side was where I was letting God live, not Mike. I was letting myself be half a person because I was doing it all myself.
Oops.

God's plan for me is to be whole. I do know what that looks like. A right and a left side, ha ha.
God knit me together...not symetical but on purpose. His purpose.

I've been loving 100% in my marriage. Trying to tempt with sex. Keeping favorite drinks in the fridge. I've enjoyed it. I never realized I was compensating. Turning my head ever so slightly to look whole.

God reminded me that He has a GOOD plan for me. A plan to give me HOPE. Jeremiah 29:11-13 in the message reads,

"I say this because I know what I am planning for you,"

 says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you.

 I will give you hope and a good future.

Then you will call my name (check).

You will come to me and pray to me (check, check.)

 and I will listen to you (check again).

You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me!"

Going back to my dream, I read the words, search with all your heart and wondered if it was even possible to search without the other half of my heart. God reminded me that He was there all along. I could have been whole with Him the entire time.

I'm able to go back to sleep now. It's not even 4am. I've been given God's peace once more. I KNOW that I'm going to Whole. Which is more that...hee hee....All right.