This morning I woke up and didn't feel like blogging. Hanging all my dirty laundry out is scary. The response has been humbling, crazy and frightening.
I feel as though God is telling me to let my weaknesses be put under a spotlight so that He can use them. I've argued that this plan might have alot of flaws. Mostly my flaws. Hard to believe since I'm so fabulous but there it is.
I've been searching high and low for information. I've read crazy stuff on the internet about divorce. I'd rather be sleeping but I find that God is still blessing me with rest. More on that later.
So as I'm trolling online in the wee hours of the night I see a poster of a woman about to dive off a cliff to swim. The caption read, "Her heart is so bound to God that in order for a man to find her, he must seek Him."
THAT'S IT!!!
Oh yeah. That's what I want. So I'm going to start by saying it here, "In order to get to me you must GO THROUGH GOD". I'm feeling a bit hurt, mad and snotty so say it like a mobster.
I've been asked, "What do you want?" so many times my head is reeling with it. I sat down on Sunday and wrote this,
"I want to live a God Centered,
God Celebrated,
Abundantly Lavishly Loved Life."
It's perfect. Exactly what I want. Says nothing but solves everything. This is another one of those, if you don't know God than don't bother reading further you won't ever understand.
Add them together and it's awesome just like me.
However, that's not really sharing any flaws with you. Which is important at this point.
My kids are so mad right now. We've revoked the name Dad or Daddy. We debated on using, "He who must not be named" but I pointed out it would make things ackward for me to explain to people that I was married to Lord Voldemort. Tyler wanted to point out that they have the same hair so it still worked for him. We finally settled on Mike. It's just like us to use humor to cope but our hearts are bleeding steadily.
I told the kids today that this is why Jesus died on the cross. EXACTLY this sin was on the cross. You could have heard a pin drop. My kids both accepted Christ as Savior in 2009 so they've heard all about this many times but it was interesting to see them connect sin happening right now to the cross. We talked about how someday we need to be at the point where we forgive like Christ forgives but that we're going to have to learn how to do it. Right now that kind of forgiveness is completely beyond our grasp of understanding. We only understand that it requires God completely. There is no way we could ever get there alone.
I've been blessed beyond measure the last four days. Crazy right? I had an amazing, new friend hug on me, feed me and kids while holding us together the first two days. Then on Monday night another friend took over and is staying with us. Mike is alone. I grieve for how he has hidden himself away. Unable to allow God to minister to him.
I grieve for a life that is over. Whatever happen,s that marriage will never be as it was. Which is a good thing. We're moving forward. We're getting rid of the crap. Think of it like this, we were hoarding (like the TV Show) and Clean House (GOD) is putting it back together right. I hurt like hell. I agree with one friend that described it like, "having your guts scattered about for others to walk on". I both thrilled to see the crap go and wondering what all God considers crap?
I threw away all my romance novels. I heard God tell my heart that I wouldn't need them in my new life. I started to gather them for goodwill and I clearly heard, TRASH THEM HONEY! They are at the curb. This is huge. I love (loved) to drown my sorrows in a "good" book. We're talking probably 100+ books here. Which kinda convicted me that I've been wasting good time. I'm not thinking I would have spent that time reading the bible. I did pride myself too much for reading instead of watching tv. It was the same results. It was an addiction. An Idol. Ah man.....
I've started touching everything in the house really asking myself if I will need this in my new life. Do I have a clue what that new life looks like? Nope. It's been four freakin days. I've no clue. I've just been crying and sick to my stomach with pain but honestly, I don't want it to stop.
I don't want to rewind.
I NEED this pain to cleanse my life. James explains why.
James 1:2 (the Message)
Consider is a sheer gift, friends,
when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.
(Check, check, check..)
3. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open
and shows its true colors.
4. So DON'T TRY TO GET OUT OF ANYTHING PREMATURELY.
Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
Scary awesome how God ALWAYS knows how to get you? Right? It continues
James 1:5 If you don't know what you're doing ,
pray to the Father. He loves to help.
You'll get his help and won't be condescended to when you ask for it.
6. ASK BOLDLY, BELIEVINGLY,
without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves.
7. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, 8. adrift at sea, keeping your options open.
Which brings me to the today's title. I asked Mike for a face to face today. When I asked it's because I thought I'd have some info to pass along. I didn't really. It was really really hard to look at him.
On the one hand he's the man I married. On the other hand he's a complete stranger. I asked him alot of the questions that people have been telling me I need answers too. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to ask or know the answers but I did.
Ugh. Such a horrible cliche. "I tried" "It just happened" "blah blah blah"...yeah I don't exactly think I have the right to air his dirty laundry. I will admit that I enjoyed using coarse naughty words to tell him EXACTLY how I feel. I'm apparently not better than that. It was theraputic.
I asked him how he thought this would go? What did he want? What did he not want? How does he see himself interacting with the kids?
He doesn't know.
Ah Mike, don't be a worm. If you're going to rip my heart out at least know what you plan on doing with it.
I'm going to BOLDLY ASK GOD, to guard my heart. To be the center of my life. He's totally there. Wanted to have that place all along.
SATAN! IF YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH GOD FIRST!! BACK OFF!!!
Yeah, I'm spoken for. I'm God's and today I'm mad as hell.
