Forgiveness is an interesting thing.
It's an action, a verb, an emotion and a thing.
Friday I had two conversations about the need to express emotions.
Katie and I were talking about something and she was repeating back to me words I've used recently. Which is quite frankly the coolest and scariest thing to come out of a child. She was telling me about her day at school and how she got frustrated, I don't recall the details but I do remember her telling me she knew it was okay to feel frustrated but that she needed to take a moment to not express it in an unproductive way. In this case she opted to just walk away. I was super impressed. I'm not sure I would have done the same at her age.
The thought was that emotions are very important and you shouldn't stop them. It's good to cry, feel sad, angry, hurt, happy, joyful, etc... If you don't feel them they back up and clog your system. We joked (and later told Mike to his face) that not feeling makes you spiritually constipated. We've spent the better part of two weeks feeling and learning to feel them in proper ways.
I was expressing fear. Fear that I was just hanging around to with no good reason. Fear that I would be stuck forgiving everyday with no relief in sight. Fear that I was going to get swallowed by a whale. Hey, I never said I was rational.
I realized I was being a dork. I put my blinders back on and let God know that I was more than ready for my apology. I felt much better.
As Friday finished I was realizing that I might never trust Mike again but that it didn't really matter. I trusted God just fine. God's got it and I know it. Knew it. I don't have to fear being a doormat, I trust God. I don't have to worry about trusting Mike, I trust God.
I went to bed with a mild head cold and peace in my heart.
Saturday, Mike worked and I got perhaps the best massage of my life. I swear I felt feeling taller, lighter and perhaps even a bit floaty. What, you've never felt floaty? Neither had I. Best massage ever. I have another booked for the 13th.
Errands were run, kids watched TV and rotted on the couch while I avoided studying. It was a great day.
And Saturday I got the best apology ever.
When I was telling God that I was ready for my apology I started to wonder what a great apology looked like and mentally went straight for Anne of Green Gables. You remember the scene? It's a great bit of story telling. Anne, however is making up a great deal because she has no real clue what she's doing.
I needed more than that. Forgiveness is something we do as Christians not for the other person so much as for ourselves. Forgiving is for us. Repenting is for them. It's a relationship. While you can do one without the other, they are infinitely better together.
I'd started to forgive Mike in many ways but not really. I thought I was forgiving him. I was really trying. I was laying my problems at God's feet and doing what I thought was required for the formula to work.
Oh but I can tell you that a real apology followed by freely given forgiveness is where it is at.
Did I mention it was an awesome apology? It covered everything. Which told me that Mike's been listening. Really listening. It told me that God has been speaking to him and he's been listening to that too. It freed me. I didn't realize I was still carrying a burden. Now that I'm even more floaty, I know that I was. I was carrying the burden of wondering if I was offering forgiveness when I needed to be walking the other way. I'm glad I stayed.
We're still in separate rooms and will be for a while longer. If nothing else we both have head colds. However, I'm basking in the awesome power of forgiveness. Not something I did but rather a gift from God. I've never thought of forgiveness, an act I perform, as a gift from God. Oh man, is it ever.
Mike is also doing amazingly better. He's coming out from under his fog. He doesn't seem like a stranger but more like the guy I married. We've had a chance to talk and after the APOLOGY, it's been brilliant.
This ordeal was discribed very accuratly as a canyon between us. The act of repenting and forgiving has laid a bridge between us. We've still got to use the bridge but it's a far sight better than it was a week ago. Now there is hope for a bright future. A future without head colds...fingers crossed.
It's an action, a verb, an emotion and a thing.
Friday I had two conversations about the need to express emotions.
Katie and I were talking about something and she was repeating back to me words I've used recently. Which is quite frankly the coolest and scariest thing to come out of a child. She was telling me about her day at school and how she got frustrated, I don't recall the details but I do remember her telling me she knew it was okay to feel frustrated but that she needed to take a moment to not express it in an unproductive way. In this case she opted to just walk away. I was super impressed. I'm not sure I would have done the same at her age.
The thought was that emotions are very important and you shouldn't stop them. It's good to cry, feel sad, angry, hurt, happy, joyful, etc... If you don't feel them they back up and clog your system. We joked (and later told Mike to his face) that not feeling makes you spiritually constipated. We've spent the better part of two weeks feeling and learning to feel them in proper ways.
I was expressing fear. Fear that I was just hanging around to with no good reason. Fear that I would be stuck forgiving everyday with no relief in sight. Fear that I was going to get swallowed by a whale. Hey, I never said I was rational.
I realized I was being a dork. I put my blinders back on and let God know that I was more than ready for my apology. I felt much better.
As Friday finished I was realizing that I might never trust Mike again but that it didn't really matter. I trusted God just fine. God's got it and I know it. Knew it. I don't have to fear being a doormat, I trust God. I don't have to worry about trusting Mike, I trust God.
I went to bed with a mild head cold and peace in my heart.
Saturday, Mike worked and I got perhaps the best massage of my life. I swear I felt feeling taller, lighter and perhaps even a bit floaty. What, you've never felt floaty? Neither had I. Best massage ever. I have another booked for the 13th.
Errands were run, kids watched TV and rotted on the couch while I avoided studying. It was a great day.
And Saturday I got the best apology ever.
When I was telling God that I was ready for my apology I started to wonder what a great apology looked like and mentally went straight for Anne of Green Gables. You remember the scene? It's a great bit of story telling. Anne, however is making up a great deal because she has no real clue what she's doing.
I needed more than that. Forgiveness is something we do as Christians not for the other person so much as for ourselves. Forgiving is for us. Repenting is for them. It's a relationship. While you can do one without the other, they are infinitely better together.
I'd started to forgive Mike in many ways but not really. I thought I was forgiving him. I was really trying. I was laying my problems at God's feet and doing what I thought was required for the formula to work.
Oh but I can tell you that a real apology followed by freely given forgiveness is where it is at.
Did I mention it was an awesome apology? It covered everything. Which told me that Mike's been listening. Really listening. It told me that God has been speaking to him and he's been listening to that too. It freed me. I didn't realize I was still carrying a burden. Now that I'm even more floaty, I know that I was. I was carrying the burden of wondering if I was offering forgiveness when I needed to be walking the other way. I'm glad I stayed.
We're still in separate rooms and will be for a while longer. If nothing else we both have head colds. However, I'm basking in the awesome power of forgiveness. Not something I did but rather a gift from God. I've never thought of forgiveness, an act I perform, as a gift from God. Oh man, is it ever.
Mike is also doing amazingly better. He's coming out from under his fog. He doesn't seem like a stranger but more like the guy I married. We've had a chance to talk and after the APOLOGY, it's been brilliant.
This ordeal was discribed very accuratly as a canyon between us. The act of repenting and forgiving has laid a bridge between us. We've still got to use the bridge but it's a far sight better than it was a week ago. Now there is hope for a bright future. A future without head colds...fingers crossed.
Hi Ruth, My sister Michelle pointed me to your blog - she is your SIL. I started a blog about the same time you did, and you appear indirectly in a post or 2. Thought you might find this post I did a couple weeks ago somewhat interesting: http://lovemarriageandlife.com/2012/09/23/the-fallacy-of-apologizing/ Don't let the title fool you.
ReplyDeleteruth, my marriage went through alot of these same situations. it took me a long time, but i finally figured out that while my husband needed to apologize (which he did) and get his walk with God straight, that was not up to me, and there was absolutely nothing he could do to gain my trust back until i decided to start trusting him again. he could move mountains, but until i decide to trust, i won't trust. it was up to me to start trusting, and that was one of the hardest things in the world to do. but once i did, it made a world of difference. it's so hard to get to that point, and impossible without God, but you will get there. i can now look back at the situation and know that if it had not happened, we would have gone along thinking our marriage was great. we know better now, and because of it all, and losing each other, even temporarily, we were able to focus on God and allow Him to make our marriage spectacular in that we have more love and trust for each other than we ever thought possible. so i am thankful for God allowing us to go through all that, because without it, i would not have the marriage i have today, and i would not know what it is to truly trust. i know i repeated myself alot, but it's all how i feel. love you friend!
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