If I could just remember......

It's embarrassing the speed at which I can forget what I'm doing.
 I can be up to my elbows in washing dishes, go to the bathroom and then sit down to FB. Only to remember that I was doing the dishes hours later while changing loads of laundry.

For me I know I have to have systems in place to stay focused. I'm guessing no one is surprised I get distracted all the time?

Well yesterday and all last night was no different. I don't know when it happened but I started focusing on all the crap of the last five or so years.

I was remembering all the little stabs and huge hurts. Conversations years old where I remember the topic of conversation was, we are headed for danger, I'm feeling treated like a pal, a roommate.

It was an easy leap from there to, "why am I prolonging this?"

Overall I spent the entire time feeling like I was in a major car accident. Bruised all over. Bleeding from many major wounds. Taking stock and realizing that I'm missing tiny pieces of myself all over. Scars are starting to form and in my mind's eye they were frankenstien worthy bits of ragged heart that barely fit together anymore. Agonizing to use, to feel, to think.

Last night I went to bed wondering how anyone ever heals from such an event. "Is it normal at this point to just die from heart failure?" "Or would I be having a heart attack soon?"
Never doubt my capacity for the dramatic.

I struggled with dreams until 4am. Then I struggled with downright nightmares.

I had gone to bed reading articles on Focus on the Family about infidelity in marriage (for the person about to or committing such acts, not helpful on my end). It highlighted even more just what a lost cause this all seems to be. Making me feel retarded for even trying. Labeling me codependant for staying in the area. Ugh.

What misery.

I got up with my alarm clock and started in with my morning system to help me stay focused. I turn off the alarm then immediately turn on my lamp. If I don't turn on my lamp, I'm going back to sleep. Then usually with my eyes still shut I put my feet on the floor. I can do this without actually getting out of bed.

Eventually I make my way to the coffee pot. I need routines and systems. They add structure to my life. I know that I don't really need coffee, I need the routine. My next routine is one that I'm terrible at but started almost three years ago when I bought my iphone. I have my morning bible study app. Now more than ever I think I need an iphone implant.

Immediately I was admonished for my thinking. I was no better than God's people wandering the desert. Awesome.

Reminded me that you get what your looking for.
Asked, "So what are you focused on?" Hm...I think I've been trying to teach exactly that to my kids. Oops. I'm a knucklehead. I was totally focusing on all the ways we'd flunked Marriage.

I was focusing on all the rotting bits.

Yeah, I'm super awesome.

So I'm putting on my morning blinders. I'm putting my focus back on God.
I have a mission statement, "I want to live a God Centered, God Celebrated, Richly Abundant Loving Life."
It doesn't say a darn thing about my past but rather the path I want to walk each day. It's broad enough to cover all my bases but give me excellent focus. I can hit crossroads and ask myself, which one honors God? and put my feet in that direction.

I know this.

Hey, squirrel.

What was I doing?
I think I'm supposed to be doing the dishes. Or maybe I was eating breakfast....hm.....