I feel like I need to blog but I also feel scattered, cranky and want to just pretend everything is all right until Christmas is over.
In October I told Mike that we NEEDED to go to Marriage Counseling but he needed to be in charge. Some of the things that brought Mike to the point of asking for a divorce included, I do everything, I used him as just a paycheck, and he doesn't get enough respect.
So he was in charge of counseling.
Somewhere alone the way he heard us agree that he needed to work on himself before we started counseling together. My intent was for him to start his counseling and get on meds then start Marriage Counseling. In my mind this was a month. In his mind we wouldn't start marriage counseling til the new year.
After many frustrated additional conversations he relented to get us counseling now. Of course, nothing is ever straight forwards so he spent the month of November discovering that TriCare/Military One Source can't tell you anything about a counselor, you just get assigned someone based on who the person who took your call thinks you need. Not to be difficult but I was insisting on a Christian Counselor. Someone who would better understand our needs.
We ended up with the base Chapel. I'm pleased with this. I prefer it in fact. It's where I would have started. They're are enough of them I can find one I like plus they are Christian and understand military life.
So we had an appointment on Wednesday.
Earlier in the week we'd been sitting in the same room while Mike received the call that there was an opening. He asked me if I was available then and I put it in my phone before he'd even hung up the phone. Wednesday, 2pm with Chaplain SoandSo, at beige building 555.
Mike also put it in his phone. Wednesday, 1pm with Chaplain SoandSo, at beige building 555.
Did you catch that? I thought 2? He thought 1?
We didn't catch this until 12:30 Wednesday. I thought I still had an hour to get ready and he wanted to walk out the door. We were driving separate cars because he needed to be somewhere and I was heading to work after. In the spirit of graciousness I slapped on some mascara and headed out.
I could drag this one out for the full story but it's not all that interesting. It's just another example of how poorly we communicate. The appointment was at 2. The Chaplain was out of his office til 1:15 but took us then anyway. Which ended up being a blessing because he saw us until Mike had to leave at 2:50.
I really liked our Chaplain. He stared by asking how we'd met. We argued the details a bit but I thought in a humorous way.
Then he asked me why we were there.
I wished he'd started with Mike.
So I laid it out at well as I could.
So the ball started rolling.
Then it started snowballing. Gathering speed.
Splat.
I knew marriage counseling wouldn't be easy but I was surprised at how much I still hurt days later. Not in the ways I thought either.
The chaplain used a tool with us to help us quantify our relationship. Asked us to rate on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest where we felt we were on:
Knowing - I answered 1. I know Mike just fine. I know his clothing size, favorite meals, favorite music, how he likes to spend his free time, what he'd do with a financial windfall, what he wishes he could be doing, etc.... but I also know that Mike doesn't know my favorite meals, my clothing size, how I'd like to spend a windfall, or what I wish I could be doing.
He knows I like flowers so he tries but he has treated the details like they are too complicated, too worth the effort to learn what kinds of flowers. What colors and styles.
Moving along.
Trust - We both answered low. I gave him a 3. I do trust him with the kids. I trust him to do his job at work but well it's not a pretty picture. I do feel he chooses himself before us (me and or the kids).
Reliability - another low low score. I know that he will always be agreeable and say that he'll do something. I also know that doesn't mean a darn thing. So while I feel I can rely on him to watch the kids and feed himself I'm not always sure that he follow through on much else. However I do feel he is extremely reliable at work. I believe he is well liked, admired and respected at work. I believe that wouldn't be the case if they felt he was either unreliable or untrust worthy.
Commitment - We both scored this high. This one is interesting though. I'm committed to God first, this marriage is second. I'm not entirely sure why Mike answered the way he did.
When the Chaplain asked Mike responded it was because I fought for him. Yeah. I find this both extremely unflattering and false.
What I saw as gathering facts and asking what and why Mike saw as fighting for us.
I even blogged about giving this completely over to God and not fighting. Curiously I don't understand the male mind but I would have taken that as a clue that I was just done.
So Mike is committed because I fought for him and I'm committed because I promised before God, til death do we part.
Touch - predictably another low score. I'm a super huge fan of touch. I'm pretty sure it's one of my love languages. I'm not a huge fan of hugging everyone because they are special. I don't want to be flippant with them. In the last few years this area of our marriage has suffered. I was fine during deployment but was really hoping that when he got home we'd be on each other like white on rice. However, that didn't happen and over the last year we've become roommates. I've been nagging him to see a doctor because I felt it was unnatural that he could go for so long without. In hindsight, I wish he'd just said something. I've been dying a little inside because my husband never wants to have sex.
Knowing that he does in fact, makes it worse.
I both feel like I should tell him in great detail how lucky he is to have a wife as awesome as me that also wants to play in the bedroom all the time. I'm one of a kind.
However, it also feels very degrading to have to convince ones own husband of these facts.
So this simple task completed I felt like we'd gotten to the heart of plenty of problems.
This is where the Chaplain let us know that while he doesn't usually say this, "you too have hit rock bottom". He then mentioned that he was sure we could creatively come up with what could be worse but that we needed to realize that this was awful.
I had to let that sink in.
I'm not sure I'd let myself think it.
It was and is very true. It's easier to make excuses that life could be worse. Easily in fact. We hold a brain tumor card in our deck of tricks.
After thinking about it I felt relieved. As if I was being freed from looking for another shoe to drop. I honestly didn't realize I was doing that.
We're at rock bottom here. This is what a marriage was never meant to be.
OK.
Then the Chaplain gave us instructions. I'm to find a counselor just for me. OK again. I like talking and I like hearing I'm not crazy in a "let's get you fitted for a comfy white jacket with snazzy buckles" kinda way.
We were both challenged to remember why we fell in love the first time and why we like each other. This is harder as I'm not entirely sure we like each other. Oh we admire things about each other but as a whole package.....I'm not even sure Mike likes himself.
Then on to the best and worst part of our whole session.
Romance.
We were challenged to watch a romantic movie together. I cringed. I get annoyed at female leads in most of these and want to laugh at the stupid crap the guys do. I don't enjoy them much.
This however was were I admitted that I do in fact crave romance in my life. Previously I'd been a book a week romance addict. I confessed that I've come to realize that in trying to meet my own needs through books I've basically been having an emotional affair and blocking Mike from getting the chance to romance me. It's a tricky one. I'm still pro romance novels, don't get me wrong but like an alcoholic I was using them to numb the pain. Oops.
I got rid of all my romance novels and it's been hard. Through the years certain books have become cherish friends that support me though moves. Having the ability to comfort myself during the stress of moving and meeting new friends has been a great tool but not if I'm going to be hurting my marriage at the same time.
So romance.
Now what.
This should be interesting.
I was asked how I was going to support Mike in this quest. I said that when asked, I would do my best to tell him everything and be very open about what I want and need.
I'm wondering if I should just make him a list of movies to watch. Jokingly I thought about labeling the movies we own with stickers, the don't you dare act like this guy, and please pretty please try these..... with my luck the stickers would accidentally get stuck on some action flicks and Mike would be trying to figure out how exactly he was supposed to be like Brad Pitt in Mr and Mrs. Smith. (spies who shoot at each other). On the other hand perhaps some Trekkie and bond movies are in order.
So on that note I will end this super long blog.
If you have any suggestions for how to show a girl she's cherished send them in a PM to Mike on FB........My favorite color is dark purple but I also love black, red, blue, green and orange. No pastels. I don't have a favorite number and I currently love Mumford and Sons, Bruno Mars and Vivaldi. I prefer kick butt movies to dramas and I like skittles....It's a good place to start.
In October I told Mike that we NEEDED to go to Marriage Counseling but he needed to be in charge. Some of the things that brought Mike to the point of asking for a divorce included, I do everything, I used him as just a paycheck, and he doesn't get enough respect.
So he was in charge of counseling.
Somewhere alone the way he heard us agree that he needed to work on himself before we started counseling together. My intent was for him to start his counseling and get on meds then start Marriage Counseling. In my mind this was a month. In his mind we wouldn't start marriage counseling til the new year.
After many frustrated additional conversations he relented to get us counseling now. Of course, nothing is ever straight forwards so he spent the month of November discovering that TriCare/Military One Source can't tell you anything about a counselor, you just get assigned someone based on who the person who took your call thinks you need. Not to be difficult but I was insisting on a Christian Counselor. Someone who would better understand our needs.
We ended up with the base Chapel. I'm pleased with this. I prefer it in fact. It's where I would have started. They're are enough of them I can find one I like plus they are Christian and understand military life.
So we had an appointment on Wednesday.
Earlier in the week we'd been sitting in the same room while Mike received the call that there was an opening. He asked me if I was available then and I put it in my phone before he'd even hung up the phone. Wednesday, 2pm with Chaplain SoandSo, at beige building 555.
Mike also put it in his phone. Wednesday, 1pm with Chaplain SoandSo, at beige building 555.
Did you catch that? I thought 2? He thought 1?
We didn't catch this until 12:30 Wednesday. I thought I still had an hour to get ready and he wanted to walk out the door. We were driving separate cars because he needed to be somewhere and I was heading to work after. In the spirit of graciousness I slapped on some mascara and headed out.
I could drag this one out for the full story but it's not all that interesting. It's just another example of how poorly we communicate. The appointment was at 2. The Chaplain was out of his office til 1:15 but took us then anyway. Which ended up being a blessing because he saw us until Mike had to leave at 2:50.
I really liked our Chaplain. He stared by asking how we'd met. We argued the details a bit but I thought in a humorous way.
Then he asked me why we were there.
I wished he'd started with Mike.
So I laid it out at well as I could.
So the ball started rolling.
Then it started snowballing. Gathering speed.
Splat.
I knew marriage counseling wouldn't be easy but I was surprised at how much I still hurt days later. Not in the ways I thought either.
The chaplain used a tool with us to help us quantify our relationship. Asked us to rate on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest where we felt we were on:
Knowing - I answered 1. I know Mike just fine. I know his clothing size, favorite meals, favorite music, how he likes to spend his free time, what he'd do with a financial windfall, what he wishes he could be doing, etc.... but I also know that Mike doesn't know my favorite meals, my clothing size, how I'd like to spend a windfall, or what I wish I could be doing.
He knows I like flowers so he tries but he has treated the details like they are too complicated, too worth the effort to learn what kinds of flowers. What colors and styles.
Moving along.
Trust - We both answered low. I gave him a 3. I do trust him with the kids. I trust him to do his job at work but well it's not a pretty picture. I do feel he chooses himself before us (me and or the kids).
Reliability - another low low score. I know that he will always be agreeable and say that he'll do something. I also know that doesn't mean a darn thing. So while I feel I can rely on him to watch the kids and feed himself I'm not always sure that he follow through on much else. However I do feel he is extremely reliable at work. I believe he is well liked, admired and respected at work. I believe that wouldn't be the case if they felt he was either unreliable or untrust worthy.
Commitment - We both scored this high. This one is interesting though. I'm committed to God first, this marriage is second. I'm not entirely sure why Mike answered the way he did.
When the Chaplain asked Mike responded it was because I fought for him. Yeah. I find this both extremely unflattering and false.
What I saw as gathering facts and asking what and why Mike saw as fighting for us.
I even blogged about giving this completely over to God and not fighting. Curiously I don't understand the male mind but I would have taken that as a clue that I was just done.
So Mike is committed because I fought for him and I'm committed because I promised before God, til death do we part.
Touch - predictably another low score. I'm a super huge fan of touch. I'm pretty sure it's one of my love languages. I'm not a huge fan of hugging everyone because they are special. I don't want to be flippant with them. In the last few years this area of our marriage has suffered. I was fine during deployment but was really hoping that when he got home we'd be on each other like white on rice. However, that didn't happen and over the last year we've become roommates. I've been nagging him to see a doctor because I felt it was unnatural that he could go for so long without. In hindsight, I wish he'd just said something. I've been dying a little inside because my husband never wants to have sex.
Knowing that he does in fact, makes it worse.
I both feel like I should tell him in great detail how lucky he is to have a wife as awesome as me that also wants to play in the bedroom all the time. I'm one of a kind.
However, it also feels very degrading to have to convince ones own husband of these facts.
So this simple task completed I felt like we'd gotten to the heart of plenty of problems.
This is where the Chaplain let us know that while he doesn't usually say this, "you too have hit rock bottom". He then mentioned that he was sure we could creatively come up with what could be worse but that we needed to realize that this was awful.
I had to let that sink in.
I'm not sure I'd let myself think it.
It was and is very true. It's easier to make excuses that life could be worse. Easily in fact. We hold a brain tumor card in our deck of tricks.
After thinking about it I felt relieved. As if I was being freed from looking for another shoe to drop. I honestly didn't realize I was doing that.
We're at rock bottom here. This is what a marriage was never meant to be.
OK.
Then the Chaplain gave us instructions. I'm to find a counselor just for me. OK again. I like talking and I like hearing I'm not crazy in a "let's get you fitted for a comfy white jacket with snazzy buckles" kinda way.
We were both challenged to remember why we fell in love the first time and why we like each other. This is harder as I'm not entirely sure we like each other. Oh we admire things about each other but as a whole package.....I'm not even sure Mike likes himself.
Then on to the best and worst part of our whole session.
Romance.
We were challenged to watch a romantic movie together. I cringed. I get annoyed at female leads in most of these and want to laugh at the stupid crap the guys do. I don't enjoy them much.
This however was were I admitted that I do in fact crave romance in my life. Previously I'd been a book a week romance addict. I confessed that I've come to realize that in trying to meet my own needs through books I've basically been having an emotional affair and blocking Mike from getting the chance to romance me. It's a tricky one. I'm still pro romance novels, don't get me wrong but like an alcoholic I was using them to numb the pain. Oops.
I got rid of all my romance novels and it's been hard. Through the years certain books have become cherish friends that support me though moves. Having the ability to comfort myself during the stress of moving and meeting new friends has been a great tool but not if I'm going to be hurting my marriage at the same time.
So romance.
Now what.
This should be interesting.
I was asked how I was going to support Mike in this quest. I said that when asked, I would do my best to tell him everything and be very open about what I want and need.
I'm wondering if I should just make him a list of movies to watch. Jokingly I thought about labeling the movies we own with stickers, the don't you dare act like this guy, and please pretty please try these..... with my luck the stickers would accidentally get stuck on some action flicks and Mike would be trying to figure out how exactly he was supposed to be like Brad Pitt in Mr and Mrs. Smith. (spies who shoot at each other). On the other hand perhaps some Trekkie and bond movies are in order.
So on that note I will end this super long blog.
If you have any suggestions for how to show a girl she's cherished send them in a PM to Mike on FB........My favorite color is dark purple but I also love black, red, blue, green and orange. No pastels. I don't have a favorite number and I currently love Mumford and Sons, Bruno Mars and Vivaldi. I prefer kick butt movies to dramas and I like skittles....It's a good place to start.
