After stewing.

I love getting to stew on things for a day. I always have.
I imagine that it's easy to see what I've been thinking as you really don't need to be a mindreader since I'm blogging.

It's been gently pointed out to me that...blah blah, this and that, blah blah. I'd like to share where my heart is at this moment hoping to make the mud clear.

I've discovered that the intamcy in marriage that God planned for us has been missing in my life. That means to me that I don't truly understand love. I'm not in any way blaming anyone. It's like discovering that there are more flavors of ice cream than vanilla. Awe inspiring. Makes you to know exactly what God meant.
I offically crave to know true intamcy and don't know if I'll settle ever again. That's what God showed me this morning.

God's strengthened and loved me over the last couple of days so much that I'm offically spoiled rotten. I never want to not be spoiled by God. It's brilliant. So my heart cries and it's hard to take because growing up always is. Plus being a know-it-all I don't like having new information so late in the game.

As for the rest. I do need to treat my outsides as well as I've been treating my insides. I've been not eating or drinking. It just hurt too much. Not eating is a bad idea. Now my kids kept insisting on meals and no one other than me was starving but I was directly being told to stop it. So I'm not making charts and planning to spend hours as the yet. I did drink enough water today and breakfast and lunch. We'll see about dinner as it's not going so well. I need to be more gentle.

Now for a little bit deeper.

I'm craving and contemplating all this intamcy stuff. It's big. (hee hee, that's what she said)
Seriously though, it makes Mike's betrayal hurt more. It also makes the cross more real. Mike isn't the first or the last person to sin. And there isn't a sin scale so little white lies are the same as an affair in God's book.
This is interesting. There's a book by Townsend and Cloud...like Nine things you must do? It's somewhere and I'm looking for it. I remember reading that every Christian needs to learn to HATE RIGHT. That whole Hate the Sin, not the sinner.

Well, I get that but.... I'm also thinking I hate anything that isn't exactly God's plan for me. I'm becoming more timid as I look into my recent and not so recent past to see all the ways I've separated myself, willingly from God.
And I HATE Separation from God.

It's been a really good day for stewing. Weather almost feels like fall......
 

DisneyWorld.

I didn't feel like sharing before my coffee this morning but I did. Now I get to share with you the gift I realize I was given. I'd much rather share good things. I'm still not sold on sharing my dirty laundry with you all but God is insisting. I'm not in the mood to tell God I've got a headache. That would come back to bite me so I'll behave and keep obeying.

So this gift.
We got to go to Disney World for the first time every last Christmas. It's as awesome as they say. It delights in so many many ways. I'm not sure if I loved Space Mountain or the Teacups best. I loved seeing people celebrate and being happy. The economy didn't matter, Disney is always packed.
Truly a magical place.
But..you knew this was coming....
I wouldn't want to ride Space Mountain for weeks on end.
I wouldn't love living out of a hotel after a while.
I would truly hate having to eat vacation food for more than just a while.
Disney World is a magic place to visit not live.

We are called to live in Christ. He's got the best roller coasters. His food satisfies forever. He's also got the best gift shop ever. Yeah, I love the gift shop.

I've decided to view the last 14 years this way. God planted this in my mind as a gift. A totally rocking one. I've just had the best time but I wasn't living in Christ.
My marriage was part Space Mountain, long lines, and wonderful treats that never satify like HIM.
I'm going to tell people about my marriage like I share about Disney.

You tell people the highlights. That is if you have friends...complainers don't as a rule.
I got the best souveniers. Two beautiful awesome amazing children.
(I'm grateful that souvenier isn't possible anymore...LOL)
I enjoyed the rides while they lasted.
I'm slightly more mature now and realized nothing but God lasts forever. (My maturity is mere moments old so lets not get all excited)

I really loved Disney World.

Ugh. Pruning Sucks.

I'm probably going to get a bit raw this morning.
It's where I am.

Yesterday was really good. My morning devotional asked me to lay my day at God's feet and I did it easily. It was far too easy. For one thing I barely had a clue what I had in mind for the day. It's easy to give something away when you haven't counted it's value.

It ended extremely well for me. I was invited to a BibleStudy and went. The kids loved it. I loved it. I was informed by the kids that they didn't think church was supposed to happen just anywhere. (We met at someone's house because as yet this group doesn't have a building.)
I laughed but felt like perhaps we need to be talking about God more as a family.

I got to wallow in talking about God last night. It's awesome. You're just not supposed to sit around with a group of people talking about loving the same man but you are, you do and it's crazy wonderful. It really helps that God isn't really man...

I got home and pulled together my new room. Most of yesterday was spent getting me a place of rest in my house that was new to me.

The house we just bought is both bigger than our last place and smaller. We planned on finishing what I call, the creepy basement, so we gave Katie the master bedroom. Not a huge deal because houses on the East Coast in this price range are clueless about master bathrooms. (I almost wish there was a law that master bedrooms always have a bathroom. Mostly cause I get up to pee all night and it's way better to just go through one doorway instead of two with a journey down the hall)

Basically my bedroom has been makeshift for the last month. It makes resting possible but not peaceful. I do so like my creature comforts.

The problem is my bed. My king size bed is really fabulous but I don't know if I can look at it even. That was my marriage bed. I'm also a little pissed at my couch right now but that's just petty because I never slept there.
Hating furniture is hard work.
I'm trying not to.
But just a glance fills my heart with thoughts I don't want to think.

I'm not sure I'm supposed to go there. To think about the affair. It didn't happen in this house. This house is too new. I'm very grateful for that. That bed still represents my marriage. I used to take great care in dressing it. More care than I spend dressing myself. Some girls like shoes, I love sheets and blankets. I love textures to snuggle down into. I like changing the mood with flannel or the silky ones. I love a comfy bed.

I woke up many times last night to travel my hallway. (Pee...LOL Katie hates it when I announce I've gotta go. So of course I tell her every time.) I was in a new bed last night. A bed that has never touched my marriage. Figures I'd be plagued with mental pictures of an affair in my new bed.
I can't seem to stop them.

I figured the best way to stop them would be to open my bible and get my God Focus on. Here is how my morning biblestudy read. 1 Corinthians 6:16-20

There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. (OH GOD!)

Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. (Please no, I can't hear this.)

As written in Scripture, The two become one. (I had to set my bible aside. I was leaking too much to see at this point. I'm so tired of leaking. WHY? WHY THIS?)

Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever - the kind of sex that can never become one. (I haven't.....oh wait. I ahhhhhhhhhhhh..I have. Plenty of times I've used Mike just because I was freaking horney. I figured guys want sex so big deal. I'm married so I don't have to work on intimacy. I am so so so very sorry Lord)

There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. (I really can't read any more LORD. I know you've given me your strength but I can't. I can't think about Mike with HER. I can't think about ME every having Sex again. Make the pain stop, Lord please!)

In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. (STOP. Leave me with enough bodily fluids to survive! Please Stop.)

Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the HOLY SPIRIT? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? (YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG ZEMAN. Please, stop. Oh Lord, No. Not now. I just can't.)

The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.

 

I put down my bible and just sobbed. Why this? I'm not the one that cheated Lord!

Feeling HIS presence besides me, HE gave me the strength to move to the devotional part. OUCH.

Putting into perspective, made it worse and I was doing so good. NOPE.

It asked if you'd attend a church that didn't bother keeping up the outside of the building. Forgot to mow their lawn, let their flower beds be in disarray. I had a brief moment of pride here, (I can be really slow and stupid) that I dress well and have made an effort to look nice through all of this.

Yeah...stupid.

"Renewal can look different for everyone. In what ways do you need to renew your body?" Uh oh.

"Stop cleaning just the inside."

To be fair I thought I would lose of few pounds through water loss and was counting it as a silver lining in all this.

Ugh.

So renewal can look diferent for everyone and for some it's diet and exercise. Double ugh again.

Now I'm supposed to find where I need to renew my body and ask for God to renew me.

No.

I've already had my heart cut out. I don't want to deal with being a plush sized Christian. I don't.

I've heard enough.

I went to FB.

I knew better but it's was just as well. I was still leaking at this point and it messes with seeing....so I was just staring at my computer. Grieving over sin. My sin.

Today I get to ask for God to renew me on the outside. Which I guess means I'm where HE wants me on the inside. UGH.

Today's gonna bite. Of course I looked up and saw my encouragement wall in my new room. Totally made myself posters of verses and stuff.

10 Things God wants you to remember.

He will give you rest. (It used to say "I" but when I made it up for me I changed it.)

He will strengthen you.

He will answer you.

He believe's in you.

He will bless you.

He is for you.

He will NOT fail.

He will provide for you.

God loves you.

 

Ouch. Double ouch. More leaking. I should consider stock in tissues if God's going to keep this up in my life. Perhaps sugar too for all the stinking lemonade.

 

This one really bites.

I didn't want to think about sex.

I really don't want to think about how I've not been getting it right. I'd already decided that since any man who was going to get that chance had to go through GOD to get me that I'd just be celibate til then. I figured GOD being so big and all it was going to be a long dry spell. I was going to put all thoughts of sex out of my mind.

So I tortured myself with thoughts of others having sex.

Brilliant. Way to rock guarding your heart.

So GOD's pruning away again.

 

My whole body is weeping. It's going to be quite a renewal if I can make it through today.