What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Really? What about diarrhea while camping? Does it really make you stronger?
This is one of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes jokes. I have a terrible sense of humor. So do most of you, egging me on all the time.
Today was terrible and not terrible. Diarrhea while camping would qualify as all terrible, FYI.
I'm riding quite a roller coaster.
One minute I'm justifying and forgiving and in utter denial.
Immediately I remember fresh hurts.
I'm still broken that Tyler climbed into bed with me crying last night. I'm torn up that he petted my hair and I realized it's been far too long since I've had loving touch.
Which makes me mad.
So I start telling myself that it's okay to be mad. That anybody would be mad if they discovered "cancer" in their house.
So I get a little sad that the "cancer" is my husband.
Realizing that I have to act soon. Not really ready to do anything. Today is official one week.
Ugh.
Did you recognize all the stages of grief? It's almost a tragic comedy performance. I can do all of them at lightening speed. I stop on different stages each go round.
I did get a chance to talk to some wonderful people who helped me hold it together.
Then I saw Mike friended his girlfriend on FB. Ugh.Words can't describe this, it required lots of leaking.
So I spent the evening at a friends house. She and I ate pizza and laughed at songs, silly stuff and vented.
Going through all the stages of grief in mere moments. Who knew couches could be roller coasters?
Grief is really hard work.
I did get a few gifts though. I loved all my phone calls. You know who you are. Each person uplifting me in a different way. Encouraging me gently while letting me know they loved me.
I need that.
I felt very attacked by thoughts of wrongs today. It was extremely hard to focus on God. To hide my heart in HIM. To don the armour of God. Ridiculously hard today.
It's just so hard to watch your children cry. Divorce is so very very ugly.
However, I couldn't stand for letting cancer live in my body. I did have a tumor cut out of my son's head far to recently for my heart to forget. God required nothing less than ALL then and God is asking for nothing less this time. I know that you can't allow a "cancer" room to grow. I'm feeling very much like I'm being asked to perform self heart surgery.
Today I felt like I didn't have much to give. My ALL has been beaten down by tears. I'm glad to give it to Him. I realize I'm no one's Saviour. I can do nothing without HIM and ALL THINGS through/with HIM. However, regardless of how positive I might be this makes me very very tired.
Tonight I must simply find rest. I'm very grateful that God promises in Him I can.
This is one of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes jokes. I have a terrible sense of humor. So do most of you, egging me on all the time.
Today was terrible and not terrible. Diarrhea while camping would qualify as all terrible, FYI.
I'm riding quite a roller coaster.
One minute I'm justifying and forgiving and in utter denial.
Immediately I remember fresh hurts.
I'm still broken that Tyler climbed into bed with me crying last night. I'm torn up that he petted my hair and I realized it's been far too long since I've had loving touch.
Which makes me mad.
So I start telling myself that it's okay to be mad. That anybody would be mad if they discovered "cancer" in their house.
So I get a little sad that the "cancer" is my husband.
Realizing that I have to act soon. Not really ready to do anything. Today is official one week.
Ugh.
Did you recognize all the stages of grief? It's almost a tragic comedy performance. I can do all of them at lightening speed. I stop on different stages each go round.
I did get a chance to talk to some wonderful people who helped me hold it together.
Then I saw Mike friended his girlfriend on FB. Ugh.Words can't describe this, it required lots of leaking.
So I spent the evening at a friends house. She and I ate pizza and laughed at songs, silly stuff and vented.
Going through all the stages of grief in mere moments. Who knew couches could be roller coasters?
Grief is really hard work.
I did get a few gifts though. I loved all my phone calls. You know who you are. Each person uplifting me in a different way. Encouraging me gently while letting me know they loved me.
I need that.
I felt very attacked by thoughts of wrongs today. It was extremely hard to focus on God. To hide my heart in HIM. To don the armour of God. Ridiculously hard today.
It's just so hard to watch your children cry. Divorce is so very very ugly.
However, I couldn't stand for letting cancer live in my body. I did have a tumor cut out of my son's head far to recently for my heart to forget. God required nothing less than ALL then and God is asking for nothing less this time. I know that you can't allow a "cancer" room to grow. I'm feeling very much like I'm being asked to perform self heart surgery.
Today I felt like I didn't have much to give. My ALL has been beaten down by tears. I'm glad to give it to Him. I realize I'm no one's Saviour. I can do nothing without HIM and ALL THINGS through/with HIM. However, regardless of how positive I might be this makes me very very tired.
Tonight I must simply find rest. I'm very grateful that God promises in Him I can.
It's like the episode of Monk where his counselor says he's leaving (or where Monk's insurance cap is met for individual visits? Not sure)...he goes thru the stages 3 or 4 times in a matter of about 30 seconds. Not neat & tidy by any means, but honest and endearing. Love. :)
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