I'm all right?

Yeah, it's the middle of the night but I felt a prompting to share what was on my mind.

I have a deep seated, irrational fear. Everyone does. It's not silly but it's so unlikely that I can't believe I waste time on it. I'm sorta afraid of really deep water. Mostly because my imagination is so amazing that I can come up with some fantastic sea monsters lurking in those deep waters. However, that's not it. I hate hate hate creepy crawlies. Those of you who carry this deep seated fear skip down a bit.

When I was 14 and on a babysitting job I walked into a dark room and started the ceiling fan only to have roached shower down on me. Lots of screaming. I took of my shirt trying to get them off of me and....well that 10yr boy has mentioned many many times that I was the love of his life as a boy.

However, thats not it either. I'm afraid of amputation. Not on others. I'm not freaked out by trauma faced by others. I'm not even afraid of having to do it to someone else. Yes, I've exaimed this fully. I'm horribly afraid of losing a piece of me.

I just woke up from a horrible nightmare. I was lying in a hospital bed and my entire left side had been removed. It was such a vivid dream from my perspective that I felt numb. I figured that made about as much sense as Mike asking for a divorce, which one is real?

I'm going through all the stages of grieve but acceptance. I'm kinda refusing to get that far yet. In the meantime I race through each stage throughout the day feeling like a nutcase. The "rollercoaster" ride of a lifetime.

So I'm laying in a hosptial bed. A sheet is covering my body and the sheet doesn't look right. I'm no longer whole. A nurse stops in to bring me flowers and tells me that I have visitors. They all file in and tell me I'm going to be fine. It will be an adjustment but I'll be better for it.
Many of them are also "half" a person. They all function beautifully. Each in their own way. In wheel chairs, on crutches, prosthetics, etc... but all just half a person.
Learning to keep their heads turned slightly so that they appear whole.
"You're strong and this will make you stronger."

Sure. Cause basically, I'm all right now. Ha ha. Joke's on me. I'm all right. My left side has been removed. Of course I'm going to be stronger I have to compensate for the loss of my entire left side.

I was very relieved to wake up.
I also laughed. I love humor for healing so much that I can't decided if the dream was a gift or an attach and decided it doesn't matter cause I like laughing. Laughing heals me as much as crying does.

Before everyone starts hopping up and down listen closely, I realize that the left side was where I was letting God live, not Mike. I was letting myself be half a person because I was doing it all myself.
Oops.

God's plan for me is to be whole. I do know what that looks like. A right and a left side, ha ha.
God knit me together...not symetical but on purpose. His purpose.

I've been loving 100% in my marriage. Trying to tempt with sex. Keeping favorite drinks in the fridge. I've enjoyed it. I never realized I was compensating. Turning my head ever so slightly to look whole.

God reminded me that He has a GOOD plan for me. A plan to give me HOPE. Jeremiah 29:11-13 in the message reads,

"I say this because I know what I am planning for you,"

 says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you.

 I will give you hope and a good future.

Then you will call my name (check).

You will come to me and pray to me (check, check.)

 and I will listen to you (check again).

You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me!"

Going back to my dream, I read the words, search with all your heart and wondered if it was even possible to search without the other half of my heart. God reminded me that He was there all along. I could have been whole with Him the entire time.

I'm able to go back to sleep now. It's not even 4am. I've been given God's peace once more. I KNOW that I'm going to Whole. Which is more that...hee hee....All right.