Finally we start Marriage Counseling....

I feel like I need to blog but I also feel scattered, cranky and want to just pretend everything is all right until Christmas is over.

In October I told Mike that we NEEDED to go to Marriage Counseling but he needed to be in charge. Some of the things that brought Mike to the point of asking for a divorce included, I do everything, I used him as just a paycheck, and he doesn't get enough respect.

So he was in charge of counseling.

Somewhere alone the way he heard us agree that he needed to work on himself before we started counseling together. My intent was for him to start his counseling and get on meds then start Marriage Counseling. In my mind this was a month. In his mind we wouldn't start marriage counseling til the new year.

After many frustrated additional conversations he relented to get us counseling now. Of course, nothing is ever straight forwards so he spent the month of November discovering that TriCare/Military One Source can't tell you anything about a counselor, you just get assigned someone based on who the person who took your call thinks you need. Not to be difficult but I was insisting on a Christian Counselor. Someone who would better understand our needs.

We ended up with the base Chapel. I'm pleased with this. I prefer it in fact. It's where I would have started. They're are enough of them I can find one I like plus they are Christian and understand military life.

So we had an appointment on Wednesday.

Earlier in the week we'd been sitting in the same room while Mike received the call that there was an opening. He asked me if I was available then and I put it in my phone before he'd even hung up the phone. Wednesday, 2pm with Chaplain SoandSo, at beige building 555.

Mike also put it in his phone. Wednesday, 1pm with Chaplain SoandSo, at beige building 555.

Did you catch that? I thought 2? He thought 1?

We didn't catch this until 12:30 Wednesday. I thought I still had an hour to get ready and he wanted to walk out the door. We were driving separate cars because he needed to be somewhere and I was heading to work after. In the spirit of graciousness I slapped on some mascara and headed out.

I could drag this one out for the full story but it's not all that interesting. It's just another example of how poorly we communicate. The appointment was at 2. The Chaplain was out of his office til 1:15 but took us then anyway. Which ended up being a blessing because he saw us until Mike had to leave at 2:50.

I really liked our Chaplain. He stared by asking how we'd met. We argued the details a bit but I thought in a humorous way.

Then he asked me why we were there.

 I wished he'd started with Mike.

So I laid it out at well as I could.

So the ball started rolling.

Then it started snowballing. Gathering speed.

Splat.

I knew marriage counseling wouldn't be easy but I was surprised at how much I still hurt days later. Not in the ways I thought either.

The chaplain used a tool with us to help us quantify our relationship. Asked us to rate on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest where we felt we were on:

Knowing - I answered 1. I know Mike just fine. I know his clothing size, favorite meals, favorite music, how he likes to spend his free time, what he'd do with a financial windfall, what he wishes he could be doing, etc.... but I also know that Mike doesn't know my favorite meals, my clothing size, how I'd like to spend a windfall, or what I wish I could be doing.

He knows I like flowers so he tries but he has treated the details like they are too complicated, too worth the effort to learn what kinds of flowers. What colors and styles.

Moving along.

Trust - We both answered low. I gave him a 3. I do trust him with the kids. I trust him to do his job at work but well it's not a pretty picture. I do feel he chooses himself before us (me and or the kids).

Reliability - another low low score. I know that he will always be agreeable and say that he'll do something. I also know that doesn't mean a darn thing. So while I feel I can rely on him to watch the kids and feed himself I'm not always sure that he follow through on much else. However I do feel he is extremely reliable at work. I believe he is well liked, admired and respected at work. I believe that wouldn't be the case if they felt he was either unreliable or untrust worthy.

Commitment - We both scored this high. This one is interesting though. I'm committed to God first, this marriage is second. I'm not entirely sure why Mike answered the way he did.

When the Chaplain asked Mike responded it was because I fought for him. Yeah. I find this both extremely unflattering and false.

What I saw as gathering facts and asking what and why Mike saw as fighting for us.

I even blogged about giving this completely over to God and not fighting. Curiously I don't understand the male mind but I would have taken that as a clue that I was just done.

So Mike is committed because I fought for him and I'm committed because I promised before God, til death do we part.

Touch - predictably another low score. I'm a super huge fan of touch. I'm pretty sure it's one of my love languages. I'm not a huge fan of hugging everyone because they are special. I don't want to be flippant with them. In the last few years this area of our marriage has suffered. I was fine during deployment but was really hoping that when he got home we'd be on each other like white on rice. However, that didn't happen and over the last year we've become roommates. I've been nagging him to see a doctor because I felt it was unnatural that he could go for so long without. In hindsight, I wish he'd just said something. I've been dying a little inside because my husband never wants to have sex.

Knowing that he does in fact, makes it worse.

I both feel like I should tell him in great detail how lucky he is to have a wife as awesome as me that also wants to play in the bedroom all the time. I'm one of a kind.

However, it also feels very degrading to have to convince ones own husband of these facts.

So this simple task completed I felt like we'd gotten to the heart of plenty of problems.

This is where the Chaplain let us know that while he doesn't usually say this, "you too have hit rock bottom". He then mentioned that he was sure we could creatively come up with what could be worse but that we needed to realize that this was awful.

I had to let that sink in.

I'm not sure I'd let myself think it.

It was and is very true. It's easier to make excuses that life could be worse. Easily in fact. We hold a brain tumor card in our deck of tricks.

After thinking about it I felt relieved. As if I was being freed from looking for another shoe to drop. I honestly didn't realize I was doing that.

We're at rock bottom here. This is what a marriage was never meant to be.

OK.

Then the Chaplain gave us instructions. I'm to find a counselor just for me. OK again. I like talking and I like hearing I'm not crazy in a "let's get you fitted for a comfy white jacket with snazzy buckles" kinda way.

We were both challenged to remember why we fell in love the first time and why we like each other. This is harder as I'm not entirely sure we like each other. Oh we admire things about each other but as a whole package.....I'm not even sure Mike likes himself.

Then on to the best and worst part of our whole session.

Romance.

We were challenged to watch a romantic movie together. I cringed. I get annoyed at female leads in most of these and want to laugh at the stupid crap the guys do. I don't enjoy them much.

This however was were I admitted that I do in fact crave romance in my life. Previously I'd been a book a week romance addict. I confessed that I've come to realize that in trying to meet my own needs through books I've basically been having an emotional affair and blocking Mike from getting the chance to romance me. It's a tricky one. I'm still pro romance novels, don't get me wrong but like an alcoholic I was using them to numb the pain. Oops.

I got rid of all my romance novels and it's been hard. Through the years certain books have become cherish friends that support me though moves. Having the ability to comfort myself during the stress of moving and meeting new friends has been a great tool but not if I'm going to be hurting my marriage at the same time.

So romance.

Now what.

This should be interesting.

I was asked how I was going to support Mike in this quest. I said that when asked, I would do my best to tell him everything and be very open about what I want and need.

I'm wondering if I should just make him a list of movies to watch. Jokingly I thought about labeling the movies we own with stickers, the don't you dare act like this guy, and please pretty please try these..... with my luck the stickers would accidentally get stuck on some action flicks and Mike would be trying to figure out how exactly he was supposed to be like Brad Pitt in Mr and Mrs. Smith. (spies who shoot at each other). On the other hand perhaps some Trekkie and bond movies are in order.

So on that note I will end this super long blog.

If you have any suggestions for how to show a girl she's cherished send them in a PM to Mike on FB........My favorite color is dark purple but I also love black, red, blue, green and orange. No pastels. I don't have a favorite number and I currently love Mumford and Sons, Bruno Mars and Vivaldi. I prefer kick butt movies to dramas and I like skittles....It's a good place to start.



 

I know NOTHING. It's official.

"Trust the Lord with all your heart." - check

"Lean not on your own understanding." - check. Sorta. I'm trying but I keep trying to understand. It's a delicate balance most days.

"In all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight." I wonder what a straight path looks like. Does it mean no surprises? Is it like those roads in TX where you can see for miles and miles? Submit...hm....

I've heard this word many times before. Submit.
My current understanding of this word is best described as a yield sign. In traffic you yield the right of way. Not because you feel some weird need to be a doormat or because you're being nice but because this makes the flow of traffic work. You're not giving up anything you're contributing to the ease of traffic. Makes sense to me. Nine times out of ten I wish most stop signs were yields. Oh and for those of you who come to a full stop at a yield sign, stop it.

"Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil." Interesting. I'm good with not being wise in my own eyes. I'm constantly asking for God's wisdom. I know just enough to realize I know NOTHING. As for fearing the Lord..... this puzzles me.

I heard once that fear here meant respect. So let's check the other translations and see if it sheds some light on the situation.
 King James, fear.
Message, well the Message doesn't do strict verse so...."Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!"
To muddy the waters a bit more, Amplified reads, "reverently fear and worship the Lord and turn [entirely] from evil."
So fear.
When I think fear I naturally go to being afraid. I'm thinking that means.....but wait right before fear was - you know nothing. So now I'm puzzled again. I truly don't believe I'm supposed to be afraid of the Lord but I am reduced to a puddle thinking about the breath and width of His capabilities. If you were to combine Hulk's strength, Thor's good looks, Iron Man's awesomeness, Captain America's.....you'd be ridiculous. God made the whole freaking universe. From scratch. Take that Iron Man.

My app this morning was set to NIV so that's were I started but not that I've seen this in the Message I dont' want to go back.

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart;" That sounds more like it. Check.

"don't try to figure out everything on your own." I can see He was expecting me. I'll work on it. I will listen to the Holy Spirit. I will.

"Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." This is where I am. This is where I'm trying to live.

So I'm laying around napping and wondering if I'm doing it right. Sure, I'm supposed to be resting because I have Mono but I also just got my Real Estate's license and started working. Sorta. I mean I've gone into the office and had business cards made. I told some people.
Seems to me this is a perfect time to be - Listening for God's voice in everything I do and everywhere I'm going. Kinda feels like I'm missing something because I'm getting to take naps and do laundry.

Makes me wonder. Waiting on the Lord. Am I supposed to be doing something? Or is trusting hard because waiting is hard?
I'm a military wife. We're called to wait all the freaking time. So I know that I hate waiting. As I mulling on this I picture myself in a giant Dr.'s office. Green plastic sofa's gathered around low round coffee tables. Not a bright green but somewhere between puke and not quite sage. Meant to be timeless and classic but just wrong. On the coffee tables for our waiting pleasure are magazines that you would never touch on a regular day. Articles about how to stay regular after 40 or parenting tips to avoid disciplining your toddler. Ugh. Makes me think Catholics might be on to something with this purgatory. It's called waiting.

Interestingly this is when the brilliance of this passage hits me. God also added the parts about how I know nothing and I need to fear Him. He knew all along that this waiting thing is difficult.

Look at poor Sarah and Abraham. She got tired of waiting on the the Lord and told her husband to get the maid pregnant. How'd that work out?

Jonah decided he wasn't going to listen and he thought he knew better. God reminded him of the Fear we are to show the Lord and stuffed him in a whale for a few days. I'd rather not warrant such extremes.

So I'm waiting on the Lord. I'm wondering how in the world I'm supposed to feel productive while being so passive. It's new. It's crazy. I'm going to make sure that everyone knows that's where I am.
I'm yielding all to God. Giving Him right of way.

I'm waiting on the Lord in my new job.
I'm waiting on the Lord in my marriage.
I'm waiting on the Lord for my everything.

While weird, I'm telling you, if feels good. I'm not stressed out over Christmas. I'm excited about the opportunities God is preparing just for me. I'm feeling rested and at peace. In December, crazy right?

Plus I'm digging the promises in the following verses. They are good in every translation.


 

Torture and Christmas Cards.

I'm finding myself feeling tortured.
Tyler has Mono and I know I need to get tested as well. In fact I'm pretty sure I gave it to him.
It's an "interesting" level of exhaustion that I have previously only experienced after giving birth.

It's left me with a body that refuses to stay awake and a brain that can't sleep. I'm left with the inability to use my normal distractions and must face my own brain.

There's the usual banter about needing to feed the family, plan meals, clean house, laundry but layered in is a sneaky evil attacking me.

Thoughts that I feel are in fact a spiritual attack. I'm not usually one for going all woo woo but I'm feeling strongly that these thoughts are coming from somewhere other than my head and heart.

I'm familiar with the fact the Satan wants to destroy marriage and I'm feeling like he's aimed his weapons at me.

I'll be laying my head down to nap and I'll start mentally going over all the pinterest projects I'd love to try when out of nowhere the picture will switch and I'll graphically imagine my husband getting a blow job by the other woman.  Quickly I'll tell myself to stop and I'll dredge up a verse. I've got some on index cards by my bed. I'm starting to think I need to carry those index cards in my pocket.

Because Mike is still in a sling he's still not supposed to be driving. Which means I'm driving everyone, everywhere. Being super exhausted I'll think I can close my eyes at a red light. I'll be in the middle of an innocent conversation about what flavor hot chocolate can we have with dinner, close my eyes, only to suddenly feel like I need to drive to where Mike is supposed to be to see if I might catch him lying to me. Ugh.

My head and heart are in agreement that I want to be who God tells me I am. I'm a good wife, I'm a good friend, I am adored lavishly by God. I'm faithful and forgiving.

I'm learning more and more what it means to forgive. I feel like I've leveled up my game to the big leagues. I know the bible warns that this is a spiritual battle but I got to say this has me feeling tortured. I wish I could say that with each attack they get shorter and less potent. Nope. I can say that I've memorized quite a bit more scripture in the last few weeks than in the last few years.

I'm learning that shining God's light on a situation is always the best and only way to do things. I can tell you that just God's word against these thoughts blows them up like an explosion on mythbusters. I feel that each time I recognize an attack I run and hide behind God. I know that God's got this one. I'm wondering why and how I keep getting out from under God. You'd think I'd be smart enough to just hide in Christ and stay put. Oops..

I find the struggle gets even harder when talking to people. At home with my family I'm confident I'm doing the right thing. It feels wonderful and healing.

When I'm alone I wonder if I'm being a doormat.
Wonder if I'm a sucker.
Wonder if I'm teaching my kids to forgive or just to roll over and be taken advantage of.

I have to constantly, vocally give this to God.

I find though that in conversation I can't quite express that I want to let God heal my marriage because I'm afraid of sounding like a wimp.  I don't know if I like myself for being so forgiving. I'm struggling here. I want to sound confident and in charge but explaining that I'm working on showing grace to someone who has horribly hurt me because if our situation was reversed it's how I would want to be treated leaves me sounding....disjointed and depressed. It's not how I want to sound. I want God's love to pour from me because I feel His love for me so lavishly that it just overflows onto those around me.

I want to be an example of forgiving 70x7 but also showing that Christians aren't supposed to be doormats that are trusting like a puppy. We are sharp and empowered with God's wisdom. I'm sharp and I'm empowered with God's wisdom because I asked for it and He gave it to me. Says so, right in James.

I'm learning that when I speak God's truth of grace and what I'm learning about how to forgive and be forgiven that I'm embracing faith and God's power in my life. I'm learning that I can banish the horrible thoughts with just the name Jesus. Probably sounds like I'm swearing as I lay there trying to sleep.

Ah well, I'm a work in progress. Swearing is the least of my worries.

As we celebrate Christmas I'm unable to write an annual Christmas letter. It would end up feeling more like an emotional grenade. You'd open it and start reading only to find yourself horrified with all the crap.
January was moving, saying goodbye to too many wonderful people, and goodbye to stuff that was stolen or smashed to bits by movers. February more of the same....we actually moved just after Valentines. Yet another holiday missed that makes me feel neglected.
March was lonely and spent trying to shove 2400square feet into 1600sq ft.
April, May....I made a friend but started homeschooling because my kids were drowning in school.
June and July I was getting my homeschooling groove on, house hunting, etc while Mike was deployed. Tyler started getting sick again.
I'll stop there.
It's been a trying year.

But that doesn't even come close to the story of Love that all runs through out. My children love me and love each other. It's fun to see my kids act like they don't have any friends but then prefer to play with each other time and again. Never admitting that they are each others best friend.

Moving is hard but it's a new beginning.
I love getting to decorate all the time. I love meeting new people and collecting friends.
I adore getting to explore without ever being far from home. My home is where my heart is so I am privileged to get to see the world with my heart. My family.

Even when my whole world exploded I can see so many good changes.
I remember being horribly sad when I heard that Yellow Stone National Park was devastated by fire. It was a black scar on the earth where once was lush forests. It was heartbreaking.
I remember at the time someone, I think my Dad, explained that it was actually a good thing. That the earth needed the renewal. The fire cleared out the funk, the dead, the broken. The fire caused new seeds to burst forth and the ash nourished the soil.
If you look at Yellow Stone today you see wonderful lush life again. I read somewhere that the fire actually caused seeds to sprout from trees that they previously though extinct. The fire gave new life to a forest that we didn't realize needed it.
My life is the same.
I'm coming to life like never before.
I still fight the effects of the burn but I can see the new life. I can feel hope for a lush future.
It's far too much to put in a Christmas card.

So as you think of us, please continue to pray. We are still under attack. Godly marriages everywhere are. Mike hasn't said anything but I can promise he's under attack too. We can't fight this. Only God can. Pray. As you pray, thank Him, Praise Him, for blessing us with renewal. For giving us a life better than we'd imagined.
And pray for me and Tyler as we struggle through Christmas with Mono.

I should probably rethink hanging the mistletoe this year.

It's a Doozie.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart."

With your ALL.

"Lean not on your own understanding."

Words I'm sure you've heard before. I'm coming to think that - "lean not on your own understanding" is a warning that we'll think its crazy. It's not what we'd plan.

I find myself trusting each day and I'm amazed by each day. Speechless might even cover it. Some days good amazed but more often than not just frankly confused, befuddled and silent to protect myself from my own stupid questions.

I've got a good idea that God's Plan is freaking amazing. I've also got a good handle on I have no clue as to how to even handle the idea of this awesomeness. It's way beyond my understanding.

So, what's got me all....trusting. Well, Thanksgiving was eye opening. We got to see some wonderful friends and had some great times. We are super grateful that our kids aren't little anymore and that we don't have to help bathe them, diaper them or feed them. It's really wonderful having kids that bath...someday we'll know what that's like.

It was hard celebrating gratitude this year. I'm still hurt but I recognize that I'm healing. I still love Mike and I even still like him. We have miles to travel still and another holiday to get through but I've got hope. Not so much for some of my friends. I've always understood that holidays can be rough but I've tasted a small portion of the pain and I want no more. It was hard enough that Gayle died this year. Add the pain of an affair, a kid recovering from a brain tumor, learning difficulties at school....I'm done. All I've got is trusting.

I'm holding on to this verse,
"You are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned,
nor shall the flames scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God."
Isaiah 43:2-3

I've shared this before.
I'm holding onto it now because we're not done yet.
We got home from Thanksgiving sick. Suspected Strep throat sent us to the Doctors to discover, Sinus Infections, Bronchitis, and drum roll please, MONO. We do nothing half way at the Zeman house. 

While my suffering and pain feels personal I'm discovering that many are also suffering. Part of me wants to throw a diva fit to let you all know that my pain is bigger than your pain but why in the world would I want to win that prize?

I do want to share that if God leads you to this, than He has a brilliant plan to lead you through it. I've already seen that Mike is desiring a closer relationship with Him. Awesome.
I've seen my kids turn to Him in prayer. Fabulous.
I've found myself not planning and trusting God. Craziness.
A few short months ago that wasn't the norm at this house. Now it is.
While I'm not a fan of pain I'm delighted at the maturing of our faith at the Zeman house.

So hold on.
God's still got this one.
It's a doozie.

The Big D...

There are times I can feel the magic and wonder of the world around me. I'm completely in love with Christmas time so I dwell on the magic of Christmas a great deal.

I love watching all the Harry Potter movies at this time of year. I start before Halloween and by Christmas I've watched them. They are so full of mystery and magic.

Over Thanksgiving I was given a wonderful book that was so exactly what I needed to hear it was down right magical. Creepy even.

Has that ever happened to you? You cry out to God and then get a little creeped out when He answers?

As you can imagine I've been doing alot of crying out. It's the holiday's...so nothing is going right. We're getting sick. Tyler's proving that while completely wonderful he's going to drive me further into insanity. I'm crying out, "Lord, What in the World am I supposed to be doing with Tyler?"
"God, you fix this, I'm going to sit back and try my best to do nothing but watch."
"God, I'm trusting in you.....now what is that supposed to look like?"

"God, you're not just having me hang around my marriage waiting like a sucker are you? You do have plans to heal us, yes? This isn't going to be another learning moment is it? Cause while I trust that I can do all things.....I DON'T WANNA."

Then, BAM, God answers.

I was mumbling those things to myself in the middle of the night last night. I'm sleeping great for the most part but it's that time of the month. You know, when you panic and have to make sure your sheets are still clean in the middle of the night? Oh, you're not crazy? Well, I do this once a month at least.

Then this morning I open my app and ....drum roll....God answered my wondering. Like magic.

"Divorce
Matthew 19:10-12
Jesus' disciples objected, "If those are the terms of marrriage, we're stuck.
Why get married?"
But Jesus said, "Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life.
 It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly , never give marriage a thought.
 Others never get asked - or accepted.
 And some decided not to get married for kingdom reasons.
 But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it."

I love it. The first thing that stood out to me was - JESUS' DISCIPLES OBJECTED. Holy Crap. Yes, the DISCIPLES!!! Guys that I thought were holy, awesome, blah blah....would probably have been video gaming couch potatoes in their free time if they lived now. Go figure. The Disciples objected to not being able to divorce. Huh....

Then, "it requires a certain aptitude and grace". Alright my married friends, pat yourselves on the back. You my fine friends have apptitude and grace. Lovely. Means I have it too. Mike is going to be delighted that he has grace, he's always joking that he can barely even walk straight.

I'm encouraged. Just like that. God answered me.
I read all of Matthew 19 and in verse 6 I read, "His art". Yup, even my marriage is considered God's art. Cool.
In verse 8 I read another part of my answer, "Divorce is a concession to your hard heartedness but is not apart of God's original plan." Being frustrated up to my eyeballs with Tyler's hard headedness, I find I don't want to be labeled hard hearted. I'm going to still be being a living breathing work of art.

So, I thinking I also got answered on what does trusting look like. Today, it looks like me reading my Biblestudy. Accepting what I read to be true and delighting in the fact that God thinks I have an appittude, that I'm graceful, His work of art, and I'm capable of the largeness of Marriage.

Sweet.
Dare I say, downright magical? I get goosebumps just thinking of how perfectly He answered all my mutterings in the night.


 

Beware...Target is dangerous.

Yesterday at Target I saw a red scarf.
 It was like hearing a siren's song. I was drawn to it.
Long, with a sheen that just begged to be touched. I couldn't help myself, I walked right over and touched it.
 Looking around I realized it was out of place so I started up the isles looking for where it was supposed to be.
Turning the corner I saw them. A rainbow of gorgeous scarves all silky soft and singing out their siren's song.
 I didn't dare walk towards them.
I turned and muttered to myself, I thought quietly but apparently not, "Just get one, you don't need five scarves, you only have one neck."
At the end of the isle next to my kids was a nice lady trying on sunglasses. She glanced up at my muttering, raised an eyebrow and said, "Come on Momma, you gotta take care of yourself."

I smiled and said something stupid and disjointed about maybe coming back later and getting them as stocking stuffers. Or maybe I was saying that I was going to let the kids get them for me?

At that moment Mike came up behind me and mentioned I was slurring like a drunk again. Ugh.

In my defense I try to take care of myself. After eight or so years of making it my new year's goal I'm proud to announce that once or twice now I've left the house in "clean clothes without holes or stains".  I've started to think I stain them in the washing machine but that's neither here nor there.

I've managed to remember to wear make-up most days and I brush my teeth after my morning coffee and before bed. I've figured out how to get a shower in everyday should I so choose. This has not always been an option.

I feel rather pulled together. Sorta.

In July (a month that feels infamous now...) I got word from my Dr. that I was no longer testing as a diabetic. That while my morning numbers were high, overall my AIC for the last two years has been completely non-diabetic. As of right now I've been without meds since May. Apparently not eating ice cream, cookies, chips, and candy plus regular walking are all I need to be... not diabetic.

So what did I turn to for comfort in my hour of need? An extra walk? nope. More potato soup, with bacon sprinkles. I haven't gained weight but I'm feeling convicted about too many white starches. White starches tend to taste best with bacon or butter.....sometimes both. I truly know better but this has led to poor sleeping habits, extra trips to the bathroom and my current favorite, slurred speech.

Oops.

Momma needs to take care of herself. Figures I'd be faced with this during October, November, and December. Ironically I don't like most Halloween candy but skittles and starburst are my weakness. I kinda passionately hate turkey, dressing, stuffing, cranberries, gravy..... I mean has anyone else seen that the consistancy of gravy is like a runny nose? I know I have problems. Since I'm a huge fan of green beans, onions, carrots and potato, well and pie, I like to think no one has noticed I hate Thanksgiving food. But December......just shoot me. I love it all.

Chocolate covered cherries, yeah baby. I love the cheap ones at Walmart and the liquor soaked ones....drool....and the Godiva ones.... I love candy canes, hot chocolate, all the fancy little show off desserts people labor over. I think my pants just got snug thinking about it.

So I decided that instead of my twice a month massages I should use that money for a personal trainer. Ten minutes later I realized that a better idea would be to act God what to do and then follow that advice.

I wasn't feeling convicted to give up my massages. I was feeling convicted to find a massage therapist that doesn't leave brusies.

I just kinda feel an overwhelming need to go for a walk.  Then at church the pastor related Christians's to runners THREE times. So I'm starting couch to 5k....again.  This time I'm getting the kids to join me. They could stand to get more exercise.

I feel very positive about this. Unlike trying to convince myself to do one of my 30 or so exercise videos, that I love, I'll be exercising my children. They need increased stamina and are looking pale even for them.

Why is it so easy to take care of my kids but so damn hard to give myself the same attention?

So....today's bossy message from me to you - get off your butt! Take care of yourself this holiday season! You know what needs to be done.

We'll compare notes in January. I look forward to it.
 

Christian's Gone Wild.

My pastor, trying to make Corinthians relateable said that it could be described as, "Christian's Gone Wild". I was really trying to listen but had to take a moment to picture this in all it's glory.
I giggled.

I really do go to the right church. All that's happened to me in the last few months has made me truly understand, "hunger and thirst after His righteousness". I'm waking up each morning like a love sick teen. I've cracked open my daily bible study before I've had my coffee. Now that's love.

Each week I'm eager to hear God's word from the pulpit. More eager than for a new release - in theater's now. Again, this is quite a change for me. Don't get me wrong I've enjoyed church a great deal as an adult but now I've got to have it! I need Jesus like a fix and I'm not going to rehab....(hummed a bit of Amy Winehouse thinking about this...)

Exciting changes are taking place. What surprises me the most are the changes in me. Not just because I'm ignoring the scale either. I've had to answer some huge questions that establish who I am and what I believe.

I've said for years that forgiveness is for you not them. Recently I've had to put this into practice. I've learned that forgiveness is so much more. It's not just turning the other cheek but taking the blow. Absorbing it. Accepting the cost as worth the price. Jesus did this for us. He took on our sins. He paid. I'm walking this now. It's interesting.

I've learned that I'm not capable of this kind of forgiveness but that Christ through me is. Interestingly the moment of whether or not to forgive had me thinking, "If our roles were reversed and I'd hurt someone I love, how would I want to be treated?" I would want to be worth the price to them. Regardless of our past, betting on our future, I believe Mike is worth the price. I honestly thought that an affair was a deal killer. I've learned forgiveness. I feel like I should get to level up for this. Gold stars? Power points?

Secondly I've learned that God tells me who I am. Not my job, not my car (a sweet ride for sure), not my friends, not my status as a wife and mother. God has something in His heart for me. An amazing plan.

Third, I'm learning about being broken. The analogy of a pot being shattered so that God can start over and rework it come to mind. I'm not broken in a bad way. This event was the break that put God back into sharp focus. I'm not ready to thank God that my husband had an affair but crazy enough I can already see how I'm a better person in just a few short months. I'm not tooting my own horn here, I'm tooting God's. He's worked me over and the results are looking fantastic.

So back to Corinthian's Gone Wild.
Still picturing this in my head, while giggling.

1 Corinthians 1:4-6

 Every time I think of you - and I think of you  often! -

I thank God for your lives of free and open access to God, given by Jesus.

There's no end to what has happened in you - it's beyond speech, beyond knowledge.

The evidence of Christ has been clearly verified in your lives.

 

7-9 Just think - you don't need a thing, you've got it all!

 All God's gifts are right in front of you as you wait expectantly

 for our Master Jesus to arrive on the scene for the Finale.

And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you stead

 and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus.

 God who got you started in this spiritual adventure,

shares with us the life of His Son and our Master Jesus.

He will never give up on you.

Never forget that.

I love this. I love knowing that I have all I need. That God's right alongside me to keep me steady. Way better than having Superman or Hulk. I've got God. Sweet, right?

Thing is, this passage was written for those who are sanctified. Which is a fancy way of saying, made Holy, Set apart by God. If you've accepted Christ as your Savior and you're redeemed....then that means you.

This interests me. Sanctified also means removed from sin. Like a yolk separated from the white. I've had some interesting thoughts on this.
Would you agree that to be forgiven by Christ means you are redeemed or saved?
Would you agree that to be redeemed is to be sanctified?

Then why are Christians, who are set apart, fighting God's awesome plans for them. What are Christians thinking? Not trusting God. Recklessly developing themselves without God's input. Then going so far as to say, "it's just the way they are made?"

Are you or aren't you Redeemed? Are you or aren't you Saved?

The series is called, "Let it be said of us."
Our Pastor was gently telling us that Christians who are redeemed and set apart don't blend in. Christians are supposed to STAND OUT. That our first obstacle is to be different.

I've been different for many years so I didn't see this as an issue. I'm learning that being a Christian is alot like standing out like a sore thumb less like a fashion faux paux.
Contrary to traditional advice when I discovered my husband's affair I didn't keep this information to myself. It quickly spread like wildfire. You all know. Not a fashion faux paux.

Traditional advice says to protect each other by holding your tongue about family secrets.
I'm discovering that God's way in my case was different. He wanted my dirty laundry to be aired.
His way seems crazy mysterious but I've got to tell you there has been a ton of perks. Yes, perks of telling the world my marriage is in trouble.

Gobs of people praying for my marriage and family.
Accountability for me and for my husband. You try misbehaving when you are telling people you are a Christian trying to be obedient to God.
Love. Lots of love. People reaching out to me and loving on me. Many of them did this southern style...with food. I wouldn't have been hugged or prayed for nearly as much if I hadn't said anything.

I still haven't figured out why the pastor called those Corinthian's Christians Gone Wild. If I'd been able to listen after that I'm sure he said why. However, I want it to be said of me, that I'm obedient, I love Jesus like he's an addiction I can't get enough of and that if you've ever asked who STOOD OUT as a Christian to you - you think of me. I'm Redeemed.

And as a bonus update on my saga....Mike had shoulder surgery. He's in a sling for a total of six weeks. Which means he can't drive or tie his own shoes. He's using this opportunity to show me and tell me he loves me. He's basically underfoot 24/7 and it's a good thing. I like being adored, appreciated, and helped. It doesn't hurt that trust doesn't have to be an issue...the poor man can't tie his own shoes...he is completely at my mercy....bwahahaha....I'm still feeding him.
 

It's not the end of the World....

It's been almost a month since I've blogged. What a rollercoaster! If it's not one thing than it's another.

First Tyler, he's been throwing up again. To skip to the good news, it's not a brain tumor issue. Yay. On the downside that means we have no idea what it is. However, it's extremely awesome to hear from the Neurosurgeon that his brain is healing beautifully and shows no sign of any problems. Tyler has been down graded to a yearly MRI.  Woot Woot.

Of course, that still leaves us with his weekly vomiting,only in the mornings,poor to terrible school performance and all that jazz. Good times.

I was waiting to say anything about Tyler because I wanted to get our MRI results from the Dr. first. Normally we get a quick turn around but this time we had two weeks. Then I call Grandma and friends to update them. No point in worrying needlessly.

While we were in a holding pattern Mike and I were doing good. Mike is/was getting better daily. Still lots of bumps in the road but I could see that he really did want to make things work again.
Lots of little things that added up to being treated well and not taken forgranted. Like taking out the trash without being asked. I spilled wax from a scentsy warmer and was too busy to take care of it. Later I caught him scraping it up. While this is just a little thing this is also HUGE. Mike has never seemed to even notice all the little things around him let alone clean up. This thrilled me enormously! Having another adult who takes responsiblily for our surroundings is heavenly.

Which brings me to "expectations". I've been thinking alot about what to expect from myself, from Mike, from God....I found Ephesians 5:25-28.

"Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives,

 exactly as Christ did for the church - a love marked by giving, not getting.

 Christ's love make the church whole.

His words evoke her beauty.

Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her,

dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.

And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.

They're really doing themselves a favor - since they're already "one" in marriage. "

 

I've got to say I love that and just in case I missed it a few of my friends on FB posted that verse the same day. God really wanted my attention. Well God, you have it. As I started mulling on what it would be like to be loved like that.....we got a terrible phone call.

 

Mike's Mom was in the hospital. Long story short, she's with Jesus now. It was sudden and we miss her terribly. However, it's interesting too. I've found myself slightly jealous that she's with Jesus. As I talk about this with the kids, Tyler had the best analogy. "It's like she's on the best Disney Cruise ever but there's no phone reception. Someday we'll get to join her but til then she gets to have all the fun without us." Ok.

 

Gayle was the best Mother-in-Law. She was an amazing woman and I'm glad that we got to be there in the end. Being a military family, one of our biggest fears is not being there when family needs us. God provided. It's crazy but we only had luggage because I was preparing to walk out the door less than a month ago. Mike had given me the money I needed to move to Texas and gotten a new credit card (for his new life plans) giving us access to plenty of funds to fly to California with no notice. Everything we thought we were doing for something else ended up preparing us to be able to go Gayle for her passing and memorial. All plans made by God. I'm in awe.

 

It totally brings to life Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you...." He knew.

 

Which brings us to FrankenStorm. Yeah, we got back home to Jersey after the memorial to discover that the world was mad. Crazy. Bonkers. About to be hit by a hurricane. Nuts. The grocery store had already been picked over. No batteries, flashlights, bottled water....We did manage to get plenty of great supplies but it was interesting. 

 

Hurricane Sandy came and left. It rained and poured. The wind blew. We had TV and popcorn. Just looking at our house you'd think nothing special had happened. It was kinda a bummer that schools were closed but the kids didn't mind. Gave us extra time to get over jet lag.

 

Others were not so lucky. Even a block away people were without power for days. Downed trees, damaged power lines, junk that flew in. Good fun.

 

Now we take a deep breath and prepare for a Nor'easter. Which I'd never heard of. Apparently it's a storm that goes West to East. Whatever. They are expecting it to get cold and windy. Not a big deal until you realize that we've used up all our emergency resources and are waiting for stuff on back order. Power goes out now and we might be without for days. Well, it's never dull around here.

 

Did I mention that Mike had surgery yesterday? End of July Mike injured his shoulder. The same day I sent him an email telling him that his treatment of me was awful and I wanted an appology or he needed to find a hotel, before he told me he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, he texted me he'd hurt himself and was at the ER. It was a bad day all round. I was mad at him. He was tired, overworked and now sitting in an ER waiting to find out what he'd done. They thought at the time he'd torn his shoulder muscle.

 

After seeing a specialist he discovered it was the kind of injury that never heals and needs surgery. He got that yesterday. Once they opened him up they discovered it was a split tendon. They put in a plastic pin to anchor his muscle back in place. Ouch. He's going to be in a sling for a month while scar tissue forms and creates more anchors for the muscle and tendon. Double ouch. No driving while this happens....interesting.

 

So what does this last month say about us? Well.....on the one hand our relationship feels like it did before but feels completely diferent at the same time. We'd started sharing a room again a week before we'd heard about his Mom. Which made life easier when we were in CA because we didn't need separate sleeping arrangements. Of course, he'll be in a recliner for a while which puts us back to separate rooms for a while. It feels like two steps forward ten steps back some days.

 

Any intimancy we may be recovering is challenged immediately. A nauseating rollercoaster to be sure. I believe that like Mike's shoulder we are on our way to recovering. After all, it's not the end of the world. It's just a brain tumor, funeral, surgery, Hurricane, Nor'easter kind of month. However, my highlights still look good and we all know that with good hair everything is easier.

 

 



 

Secret Formula for Success.....Revealed!

Read a few self-help or finance/business books and you'll run across the formula for success, "Be, Do, Have".  This has not made any sense to me for years.
If I'm dirt poor I should just Be rich? Then I'm supposed to Do Rich? Because that's how I'll have Riches?
 Hmm...So I'm picking up the phone and ordering one of everything on QVC.
Nope, I'm not rich.
But I just believed it in my heart, acted on it and reaped ...... debt.

I've tried applying it in other ways.
To the same confused results.
I'd argue that I believed! I acted on my belief! What was I doing wrong?
I want to be successful. I am successful in so many ways! So why not ALL WAYS?
 Be, Do, Broke has felt more believable.

I can't tell you how many years I've chewed on this thought of Be, Do, Have.
I think I was 16? the first time it crossed my path. This magical formula for success.

Thankfully God designed our brains like super computers and my brain has been collecting information for years. Storing this information so that I can access it when it's time.

Usually I feel like I'm being smacked with a 2x4 when I have an "Ah HA" moment but this time it snuck up on me. I get it.

It makes so much sense all of a sudden I feel mildly embarrassed it too me so long.

So....I started a new BibleStudy Group on Tuesday. Running my finger over the list of options my inner brat did cartwheels and clapped when I saw "Bad Girls of the Bible" on the list. I totally picked that one!

First day we jumped right into infidelity. Ouch.

Potiphar's Wife. You know that giant hussy who wanted some bed play with Joseph? I had a hard time feeling it from the hussy's point of view. Go figure. Although I didn't have a hard time imagining what a stud muffin Joseph might have looked like. I'm still human after all.

Moving right along. As we got to the end of the lesson we were asked to evaluate our lives and see what things in our life were stumbling blocks. "How can we fill our idle time (if we have any!) with appropriate thoughts? Are there specific things you need to avoid, such as R-rated movies? Internet temptations? Steamy novels? Make a list, then make a commitment to steer clear of those things that appeal to your flesh at the risk of your spiritual growth."

I'll tell you, this question bothered me. I hated it. Felt like it was all wrong. They stuck one of my all time favorite verses here.
Philippians 4:8
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
The book then used the words, "Philippians encourages us to replace.." I'll stop there. I figured out what my problem is. This very isn't about removing it's about doing. Hm...

I asked Tyler to swap over the laundry.
Did I find dry clothes today?
nope.
Why? Because he didn't turn on the dryer.
Hm....another cause and effect that is so simple it's ridiculous.

This verse isn't asking us to search our homes and life for bad stuff to remove. It is imploring us to search GOOD. I get this. I've been mentioning that you get what you're looking for. You find what you are seeking. Whatever you concentrate on grows.
Ah...This is the BE.
Are you looking for the bad or concentrating on the good?
Einstein used a coin to describe this. Forgive me for repeating myself, I love this example. Put a coin in your hand. Only one side can face up at a time. Just like only one thought can be held in your mind at a time. Turn the coin over....it's like you changed your mind.
One side is good.
One side is bad.

These days I get filling myself with everything that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable. I'm not wasting my time trying to remove crap. I'm focusing on awesome. Sure my life's stats kinda suck these days but I'm filled with peace and love. My heart is being guarded by God. I don't have a better reason for why I'm smiling everyday. I laugh without fear of my future. I'm focusing on God.

I think I've figured out BE DO HAVE.
Your brain is like a super computer.
Be is the program. The platform from which all functions are run. If you don't have software what good is the hardware?
From that software program is DO.
Your DOing is just an expression of your software. It can only DO what was programed.
HAVE is simply the results.

God expressed it in His word as reaping what we sow.
He has instructed us time and time again that our entire focus needs to be HIM.

I see plenty around me still struggling with this. It strikes me as being as simple as telling Tyler to start the dryer or it won't work. Tyler was being obedient and doing what I'd asked. Tyler wasn't trying to get it wrong. It was silly mostly. Nothing to get upset over. However, it's frustrating to keep checking the dryer expecting dry clothes....when it was never started in the first place.

My Biblestudy has an answer for that too.
Romans 5:6-8 (Message)
"Christ arrives right on time to make this happen, He didn't and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented Himself for this sacrificial death when we were far to weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have know what to do anyway."
 skipping down
 "But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him."

In the same way I just chuckled at how useless it was to get Tyler to help with the laundry, and reached out and started the dryer God reaches out and puts us right.

God is so awesome He's just asking for us to focus on Him. To BE in love with HIM. To Be 100% focused on HIM. He's got all the rest.

Because I've been focusing my everything on GOD I've been doing what comes naturally. I've not been worried about tomorrow. Barely had time to give it a thought while singing along with BarlowGirl on Pandora. I'm too busy loving my Saviour to give a rip.

I'm liking this formula for success.

I'm so blessed God thought I was worth it.

The secret of course, is that you are totally worth it too!

 

What's your native language?

So inbetween coughing, popping cough drops and studying real estate I've been mulling on Love.

I know I've got the book, Love Languages....I remember stealing it from Kerri....I can even remember that it's got a hot pink cover. That doesn't mean I've gotten up and found it.

I think the five love languages are: touch, acts of service, words of encouragment, time, and gifts. I briefly remember telling Mike he needs to work on loving me with all of them. In a less bratty moment I realized that's not fair. Sure I'm the wounded one but I'm not the only one. I don't get to forgive and have a monopoly on healing. Bummer.

So I've noticed Mike has been trying. I've seen acts of service and I'm grateful but I'm realizing that it's not my love language. I got to asking myself, "if I could only have one expression of love which one makes me feel cherished?" I love acts of service. I think it's what adults should do but I don't feel cherished just because the dishwasher got loaded.

I love spending time with my kids but it's not enough for either of us. Just spending quality time together isn't my cherished point. I do love spending quality time with the family but I don't think it's anyone's cherish point at my house. I'm not sure about Mike but the rest of us are definately touch.

If we could only have one love language we love hugs. Funny because outside of the house we aren't big on getting hugs from everyone else. At home we are constantly touching each other. When I started to pay attention to it I had to laugh. We're sharing germs at the speed of light. Tyler comes home from school and starts in on his sister immediately. Pretends she's not in the room and sits on her. Or other sillyiness. Katie is just as touchy feely. Gets her touch on by getting in the way, sitting on us, teasing us into tickling her. We are major snugglers. As I type this Tyler is squished between Mike and I on a loveseat. Space is overrated.

The other top love language at my house is encouraging words. Funny. I'm the queen of sarcasm. Way to rock the love. Thankfully Katie and Tyler are also fluent native speakers of sarcasm. Mike, not so much. Don't get me wrong, he's good but not a native speaker. We'll continue to work him over.

I've noticed Mike has been trying to encourage us verbally. It's interesting because while I never mind hearing marvelous things about myself I don't need them to feel loved. In fact I have a very hard time not making fun of encouraging words unless they are spoken in my native tongue, sarcasm.

One more learning curve we're navigating. Those of you who are loved and cherished through words of encouragement are probably cringing thinking about this. Poor Mike has felt unloved and under cherished because we love a backhanded compliment and prefer hugs. Worse, we've laughed at his attempts to shower us in lavish praise. Oops.

We're learning. Apparently we're a tad slow at this house but we're trying.
I love hearing about how God loves us lavishly and abundantly. I want to know all about this good loving.

Oh and gifts. I want to learn more about gifts. Growing up I learned that gifts come with strings attached and I learned how to reject gifts. Not a good thing. I'm having to relearn this whole gift thing as an adult. I've figured out I love love love giving gifts. I love hunting for things that will be perfect for the person I want to give to. Plus I've gotten some marvelous gifts in the last few years that make me all warm and fuzzy inside.

My girlfriends got me a bottle of wine with a naughty name....speaking my language. Another friend got me a starbucks mug (or two) and I favor it now. It makes me smile everytime I use my mug, which is daily when my dishwasher gets loaded properly.

I'm glad God isn't limited and can love me in every way. I can't wait to see how He loves on me today. While I'm looking for it I'll try to say something encouraging to Mike...in English. I'm a bit rusty with English.

Apology accepted. Aahh.

Forgiveness is an interesting thing.
It's an action, a verb, an emotion and a thing.

Friday I had two conversations about the need to express emotions.

Katie and I were talking about something and she was repeating back to me words I've used recently. Which is quite frankly the coolest and scariest thing to come out of a child. She was telling me about her day at school and how she got frustrated, I don't recall the details but I do remember her telling me she knew it was okay to feel frustrated but that she needed to take a moment to not express it in an unproductive way. In this case she opted to just walk away. I was super impressed. I'm not sure I would have done the same at her age.

The thought was that emotions are very important and you shouldn't stop them. It's good to cry, feel sad, angry, hurt, happy, joyful, etc... If you don't feel them they back up and clog your system. We joked (and later told Mike to his face) that not feeling makes you spiritually constipated. We've spent the better part of two weeks feeling and learning to feel them in proper ways.

I was expressing fear. Fear that I was just hanging around to with no good reason. Fear that I would be stuck forgiving everyday with no relief in sight. Fear that I was going to get swallowed by a whale. Hey, I never said I was rational.

I realized I was being a dork. I put my blinders back on and let God know that I was more than ready for my apology. I felt much better.

As Friday finished I was realizing that I might never trust Mike again but that it didn't really matter. I trusted God just fine. God's got it and I know it. Knew it. I don't have to fear being a doormat, I trust God. I don't have to worry about trusting Mike, I trust God.
I went to bed with a mild head cold and peace in my heart.

Saturday, Mike worked and I got perhaps the best massage of my life. I swear I felt feeling taller, lighter and perhaps even a bit floaty. What, you've never felt floaty? Neither had I. Best massage ever. I have another booked for the 13th.
Errands were run, kids watched TV and rotted on the couch while I avoided studying. It was a great day.

And Saturday I got the best apology ever.

When I was telling God that I was ready for my apology I started to wonder what a great apology looked like and mentally went straight for Anne of Green Gables. You remember the scene? It's a great bit of story telling. Anne, however is making up a great deal because she has no real clue what she's doing.

I needed more than that. Forgiveness is something we do as Christians not for the other person so much as for ourselves. Forgiving is for us. Repenting is for them. It's a relationship. While you can do one without the other, they are infinitely better together.

I'd started to forgive Mike in many ways but not really. I thought I was forgiving him. I was really trying. I was laying my problems at God's feet and doing what I thought was required for the formula to work.

Oh but I can tell you that a real apology followed by freely given forgiveness is where it is at.

Did I mention it was an awesome apology? It covered everything. Which told me that Mike's been listening. Really listening. It told me that God has been speaking to him and he's been listening to that too.  It freed me. I didn't realize I was still carrying a burden. Now that I'm even more floaty, I know that I was. I was carrying the burden of wondering if I was offering forgiveness when I needed to be walking the other way. I'm glad I stayed.

We're still in separate rooms and will be for a while longer. If nothing else we both have head colds. However, I'm basking in the awesome power of forgiveness. Not something I did but rather a gift from God. I've never thought of forgiveness, an act I perform, as a gift from God. Oh man, is it ever.

Mike is also doing amazingly better. He's coming out from under his fog. He doesn't seem like a stranger but more like the guy I married. We've had a chance to talk and after the APOLOGY, it's been brilliant.

This ordeal was discribed very accuratly as a canyon between us. The act of repenting and forgiving has laid a bridge between us. We've still got to use the bridge but it's a far sight better than it was a week ago. Now there is hope for a bright future. A future without head colds...fingers crossed.




 

If I could just remember......

It's embarrassing the speed at which I can forget what I'm doing.
 I can be up to my elbows in washing dishes, go to the bathroom and then sit down to FB. Only to remember that I was doing the dishes hours later while changing loads of laundry.

For me I know I have to have systems in place to stay focused. I'm guessing no one is surprised I get distracted all the time?

Well yesterday and all last night was no different. I don't know when it happened but I started focusing on all the crap of the last five or so years.

I was remembering all the little stabs and huge hurts. Conversations years old where I remember the topic of conversation was, we are headed for danger, I'm feeling treated like a pal, a roommate.

It was an easy leap from there to, "why am I prolonging this?"

Overall I spent the entire time feeling like I was in a major car accident. Bruised all over. Bleeding from many major wounds. Taking stock and realizing that I'm missing tiny pieces of myself all over. Scars are starting to form and in my mind's eye they were frankenstien worthy bits of ragged heart that barely fit together anymore. Agonizing to use, to feel, to think.

Last night I went to bed wondering how anyone ever heals from such an event. "Is it normal at this point to just die from heart failure?" "Or would I be having a heart attack soon?"
Never doubt my capacity for the dramatic.

I struggled with dreams until 4am. Then I struggled with downright nightmares.

I had gone to bed reading articles on Focus on the Family about infidelity in marriage (for the person about to or committing such acts, not helpful on my end). It highlighted even more just what a lost cause this all seems to be. Making me feel retarded for even trying. Labeling me codependant for staying in the area. Ugh.

What misery.

I got up with my alarm clock and started in with my morning system to help me stay focused. I turn off the alarm then immediately turn on my lamp. If I don't turn on my lamp, I'm going back to sleep. Then usually with my eyes still shut I put my feet on the floor. I can do this without actually getting out of bed.

Eventually I make my way to the coffee pot. I need routines and systems. They add structure to my life. I know that I don't really need coffee, I need the routine. My next routine is one that I'm terrible at but started almost three years ago when I bought my iphone. I have my morning bible study app. Now more than ever I think I need an iphone implant.

Immediately I was admonished for my thinking. I was no better than God's people wandering the desert. Awesome.

Reminded me that you get what your looking for.
Asked, "So what are you focused on?" Hm...I think I've been trying to teach exactly that to my kids. Oops. I'm a knucklehead. I was totally focusing on all the ways we'd flunked Marriage.

I was focusing on all the rotting bits.

Yeah, I'm super awesome.

So I'm putting on my morning blinders. I'm putting my focus back on God.
I have a mission statement, "I want to live a God Centered, God Celebrated, Richly Abundant Loving Life."
It doesn't say a darn thing about my past but rather the path I want to walk each day. It's broad enough to cover all my bases but give me excellent focus. I can hit crossroads and ask myself, which one honors God? and put my feet in that direction.

I know this.

Hey, squirrel.

What was I doing?
I think I'm supposed to be doing the dishes. Or maybe I was eating breakfast....hm.....
 

Guilty.

I'm guilty. I'm very surprised by this to say the least but I am completely and utterly guilty.

Of what you ask?

Why of being surprised when people sin.

 Think about it.

This is kinda stupid. Okay, wait, no kinda, this is stupid. The bible is very clear, FOR ALL HAVE SINNED. So why am I'm constantly surprised?

Is this an attitude I've cultivated as a Christian? Cause that sucks. I'm supposed to be following Christ's example. I don't remember "showing shock" as an example laid out for me. I seem to remember love and forgiveness? Hmm...yes, Love for sure. Wait, definately forgiveness.

Have Christians become so incredibly lost?
How did I get to the point where I was looking to love the sinner not the sin and still acting all shocked when people sinned? I even do it when watching TV. The evening news is always shocking. Duh. We're all sinning.

I was thinking through the concept of  "and you shall know them by their fruits" while looking at my cherry tree. Now it's fall so there aren't any cherries on this tree but I can see it full of cherries. I know what an abundant fruit tree looks like. It's bending from the weight of it's branches and all but tosses fruit at you when you walk by. It smells amazing. A perfume that will settle in your bones and be long remembered. You can't help but never forget the sight, smells, taste and experience of an abundant fruit tree.

Step back from this fruit tree and what do you see? Well unless there are lots of small animals then there is rotting fruit on the ground. The fruit that has fallen doesn't change the fact that the fruit on the tree is still good. It just happens.

Sinning is an unfortunate reality. Happens to the best of us, the worst of us and everyone in between.

So lets look at our days and lift our eyes. Let's stop being surprised by the rotten and start enjoying the beauty of the fruit tree. I'm guessing there are plenty of examples of "fruits", Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Self-Control.

Galations 5:22-23

"But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in a n orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

Yeah, I'm going to start looking for that.

 

Whales and Secret Agents.

When obeying God expect your direction to change, constantly.
I was thinking He'd make my path clear but at the moment I feel more like a kid being hung over a dumpster while some punk feels me up for loose change.
I'm currently out of loose change.

Yesterday I was experiencing alot of fear because basically GOD said...You need to stay in New Jersey. I've spent the last two days moping due to this.

I read Jonah. You remember the dude that got eaten by a whale when he didn't go in the direction God had planned? Yeah, that Jonah. Keep reading and Jonah gets mad that God is showing mercy. I can totally relate. I both want to see mercy and realize that we are all undeserving sinners and I was totally getting my panties in a wad over it.

God didn't give me any enlightenment on the situation until I just accepted that God is allowed to show Mercy to sinners. Which is good, cause we all are.

So...no guacamole and margaritas yet. My BBQ tank must remain low. I swear half my problems are do to a BBQ, maragarita deficiency but I'm staying in New Jesery.

Something was really bothering me about this. Alot of somethings. I was feeling like I wasn't going to get the distance I needed to regroup. To replensih myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It was then God reminded me of

Galations 6:7

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."(NIV)

"Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others -ignoring God!- harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's spirit do the growth work in him, harvest a crop of real life, eternal life."

 

Ah...that's better. Thanks Lord. Now before you think that I'm just saying Mike isn't recieving mercy and I'm happy about that let me share what this message laid on my heart means to me.

I'm going to add a few more verses to the mix, Matt7:6 says to guard your treasures, which is myself, my heart, my children and their hearts. I'm also to guard my marriage.

Proverbs 4:23, again with the NIV,

 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

 

So I posted, Warning I'm dropping the FBomb, that I had some news/information and I didn't share what it was. Well, here it is, I needed a year and a lawyer before proceeding. I don't want to make life changing decisions while emotionally distressed. I didn't want to make live changing decisions without expert advice. This is part of guarding my treasures.

I had been whining that I felt this was all completely out of my control and my good friend Jo promptly told me I was being silly and needed to take back my control in the situation. I love good friend Jo.

 

Oh, I still pulled plenty of triggers. I'm not sitting on my laurels here. For a smart girl, this is making me feel slow. I'm learning here. I've known for a long time, just because you can doesn't mean you should. I've just always thought that about fashion.

 

So a man reaps what he sows and I need to guard my treasures. Basically Mike is getting an apartment so that he can reap what he's sown while I stay in the house guarding the treasures. This is not unloving but very loving. Although, yes it means basically Mike is getting the boot.

 

We've come to an understanding about some issues. I've drawn some lines in the sand. The one I like the best is about the kids. I've told him that he is welcome to be with us, to join us but only as a parent, not as a playmate. Far too often I've seen Dads turn into 9year olds with no boudaries when it comes to visitations. NO NO NO. Part of protecting my heart and protecting my kids is facing reality. The reality is Mike is a grown man who needs to get his act together. If he was an abusive drunk (he's not) then I would have all kinds of guards in place before he came near the children. I would most definately kick his butt to the curb until he's gotten his life back under control. So since this is more of a self-control issue I can recognize that my heart needs to see him being responsible. I can't make Mike do anything but I did ask and he has agreed. When we do play it will be as a family after the chores are done. Teaching the kids that you work first then play. An appropriate reality to teach now.

 

Moving right along.

 

So while I'm not physically moving anymore I am separating myself from danger and putting limits on sin. I've forgiven Mike but I've also got my guard up. I will not be jumping back into the frying pan here. I'm going to "sow" seeds of protection for my heart and for the kids. I'm going to reap, protection. In the meantime Mike has "sown" self destruction and I understand that means we have to separate if I'm to protect.

 

I asked the kids the other day what would happen if I they got in trouble. They immediately started sharing my creative punishment methods with me, "make us cut weeds with scissors", "send us to our rooms", "no video games or tv", "grounding", "pay a fine", "lose a toy", "spanking" - which earned a, "oh really", from me as they've been far to big to spank for years now. I must stop here to thank pinterest for sharing a list with me on creative punishments that fit the crime. I do so enjoy other slightly devious parents.

 

I digress.

 

Basically we discussed that Mike has made a terrible mistake...mistakes...and is now grounded. He will be living without us because we love him. Not because we wish him ill. I talked about how sometimes its hard to punish a child because they look so dang cute in timeout that you want to let them off the hook. Tyler proceeded to practice the dang cute look.

I'm not saying I'm Mike's parent or that I'm punishing him. Not at all! I'm protecting and guarding. God is the one who will take over from there. I was however, in the spirit of protecting, using this as a teachable moment so the kids would understand how to look at this separation. It would be irresponsible to let them come to their own conclusions.

 

Tyler would probably decide Mike is a secret agent on a super secret mission to save to the world. He's grip on reality needs some fine tuning. Katie is a preteen and could go either way on this. She could let all the fairy tales stored in her heart die a miserable dramatic death or she could see him as an exhiled prince. Or perhaps I'm selling her short. She does seem to completely understand that an affair is sexual and about more than sex. She is more perceptive that she lets on.

 

So we're moving forward. There is a shimmer of hope on the horizon but we are a very very long way off from this being over. In fact, I'm discovering that the hardest parts are probably yet to come.

 

 

 

 



Oooh...let the battle begin.

So I'm guessing many of you have seen Mike's FB post.
Oh the changes a day can bring.

Let me first start with, I'm still leaving for Boerne, TX as planned.

So while I find the details very interesting, you only get the overview. Yesterday, I'd decided that I wasn't filing now and I needed a lawyer. I don't understand the law well enough to do right by the kids. I also felt I needed a year of health insurance to help my establishment in Texas. I was going to mull over the details of this and confront Mike later but the opportunity came late afternoon. So I, told him he was going to be on the line for a year. I'd only had two weeks to process this and I wanted space and perspective. blah blah blah....

At the begining of yesterday I had hunted down Mike's command to report him. I was thinking about HATING RIGHT. I was feeling that I was allowing shennanigans by not following the rules. I didn't want to ruin Mike just get him an ass-whopping. I was good with the thought that the girlfriend would be hunted down and fired. That Mike would be put under a microscope like a bug and possibly held for mental health evaluations.

I told him as much that afternoon.

I'm really stuggling to not just skip to the end of a the story. I'm finding it insanely hard to get the details out in an understandable order. Ugh. I'm also horrible at telling joke. Sure I'm funny but jokes...I start laughing before I've finished the set up. Then I tell the punchline before the set up is complete enough for the punchline to even make since. All while laughing like a lunatic. At least I'm still entertaining. I'm such a giver.

Back to yesterday.

I've mentioned before that when my heart flips I'm offered up a verse. Well about an hour after I bragged to my friend that I'd reported my husband my heart offered up this. "Love your enemies. Do good to those who hurt you." Ah man. Then I was treated to, "Do not enjoy the suffering of your enemies because I can turn it back to you." (that's my translation...it's in proverbs but I couldn't put my finger on it this morning)

Dear God, I thought because I was whining that I've been such an awesome wife that you were going to let me be part of the ass kicking party. Just a small role but I thought it was a gift. I'm not so sure I like being convicted that I need to love and forgive more. I'd really prefer the role of glorious....oh...that's your role...my bad. I'll work on the whole love and forgive. Yeah, nice talk. Yes..I love you too. Yeah, I get that was my spankin. A tiny spankin that lets me know I'm getting frisky. Ok...

My heart was torn between ripping Mike a new one and the lessons God's laying on my heart. I'm God's favorite and all so I'm obeying HIM in everything. Which isn't as confusing as it might sound.
I still got to yell and for drama I threw a temper tantrum and hopped up and down. Which was extremely satisfying due to being on the second floor and having the whole house shake.
Then we got down to talking. We ended up having dinner and still talking.

Yeah, basically, we suck at talking. We've both been listening this time. Concessions have been made. The Divorce is officially off the table til October 2013. We will be living apart during that time. Mike has broken off his other relationship and given me transparency over his accounts, emails, phone, skype, etc... His post was how we'd decided he'd let me know he'd broken it off with Bobbi. I'm thinking he needs more transparency in his life.

I'm still moving to Boerne. I'm still going to live it up and have a blast on his dime. I will answer the phone when he calls.

I'm not sure I made it clear enough that while I'd love him to be my husband he's got to be completely changed. I'm not touching him with a ten foot pole in his current condition. His separation from God is so huge it's like a living shimmering thing. His life is going to suck until he figures this out.

In the meantime my heart is hidden in the Lord. God's totally got this.
So the details of everything and nothing have changed.
I'm good with that because I know exactly what I'm supposed to do.
No if ands or butts.
It's like a superpower knowing this clearly the path I'm supposed to walk.
You can know that in your life too.
I'll bet you can guess what it is? TOTAL OBEDIENCE TO GOD. FOR EVERYTHING.
Super easy...but you have to die to self.....

Make no mistake, this is war. There are casualties and drama. News reels reporting half truths and hearsy. Not this news reel of course....

Interestingly enough the other day I was telling a friend that when God sends you to war it's just like when the ARMY sends you. You get equipted with exactly what you're gonna need. God is way more prepared for this battle, never doubt HE's got your gear down. The Army isn't stupid enough to send a guy out to war in his pj's. How much more awesome is God than the Army?

Warning I'm dropping the F-Bomb!

Last night was rough. I spent most of the day whining at God. Oh and swearing up a blue streak. Just a warning....FUCK...is my new favorite word.
I've decided it's a healthy way for me to express. Plus I'm pretty sure God would have put the Fbomb in the bible if they'd been using it way back when. The bible was written to meet us where we are and people are often guilty of waiting until they are complete fucked before they read HIS word.

So you've been warned.

I'm a fucking Rock Star. I've whined that I've been an amazing Wive! I've not just done a great job but I've had a rough ride and am still awesome. I read Proverbs 31...whining more at God. I feel whining at God is also encouraged FYI. Shoot God added the enitre book of Lamentations to the Bible and what is Lamentations but old school for the book of bitching.

God has held my hand and let me yell Fuck to my hearts content. I went to bed pissed. I rolled over in the night whining at God more. Then at about 3am I just couldn't sleep and started up again. I swear I heard God chuckling at me.

Let me skip ahead to my morning bible study's verses. You're gonna like this.
Ecclesiastes 2:24-26 the message

"The best you can do with your life is have a good time and get the best you can. The way I see it, that's it - divine fate. Whether we feast of fast, it's up to God. God may give wisdome and knowledge and joy to his favorites, but sinners are assigned a life of hard labor, and end up turning their wages over to God's favoriets. Nothing but smoke - and spitting into the wind."

 

Hee hee....I have a bumper sticker that reads, "JESUS LOVE YOU, but I'm His Favorite." Yeah baby. You heard it here....I'm His Favorite.

 

So last night while wrestling with my sheets, turning the air blue, and pouting I asked for wisdom. I went so far as to quote God's words back at him. (James, if any one asked for wisdom God will give it). Then I braced myself. Then I got sick and went to the bathroom. (I do after all call my blog TMI)

God let it rip.

 

The knot in my stomach has been replaced with fire. Goody. I was reminded that I have been obedient and that I plan on continuing to be obedient. I don't have a choice as far as I see it. I've been granted wisdom and I understand what matters, people. Everything else is just stuff.

 

I'm not going to spill the beans on everything God has let me in on right now. Let's just stick with I've been filled with fire. Just in case I need to inform certain parties before I spill the news.

 

I'm been given clarity on how to take responsibility for my own actions. On how to best protect my family. I'm really really excited to move to Boerne TX and get my party on with my family. I'm going to enjoy margaritas and possibly go back to school to finish my bachelor's while selling real estate part time. I'm going to have a good time and bask in the LOVE offered to God's favorites.

 

And I'm gonna say FUCK alot more often. Hee hee.....

The Tower of Terror.

Bwahahaha Welcome to the Tower of Terror! A haunted hotel that was abandoned years ago. Come inside, if you dare.

Dude, this is totally a ride at Disney.

I was trying to explain to my daughter why I was crying about filling out paperwork and looking at Christmas ornaments.  I told her that I'm terrified but it's the same kind of terrified you get when you're standing in line at a new roller coaster. Your hands get sweaty, your nerves stretched. You look around at all the laughing people and think, "Don't they realize we're all gonna die?" A look crosses your face. Some poor stranger, leans over and says, "First time? I can tell. You're gonna love it." You wonder if the survivors are all brain damaged and give him a week smile. You're daughter walks off saying you talk too much but that she knows you love roller coasters so what's the big deal.

I'm starting to suspect Katie likes calling me on crap. This will make for an interesting bunch of teen years.

So I'm moving forward. Like I had an option not too, really. First there's Monday, then Tuesday, now Wednesday....Nobody consulted me on this.

This week is gonna be horrible. I'm going to get through it because I'm hidden in God but I'm still walking through fire here.
Romans 12:2 today's verse from my app...

"Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you

fit into it without even thinking.

Instead, fix your attention on God.

You'll be changed from the inside out.

Readily recognize what he wants from you,

and quickly respond to it."

 

Verses that God laid on my heart last Thursday. The first part was to offer the everyday parts of my life to him. I've been doing that because, like I said before, it's easy to give what you haven't a clue to do about.

 

I've also been reminded to get my blinders on. To look neither right or left but focus solely on God. I'm not exactly getting that right all day long. I'll start the day just fine. Coffee, biblestudy app, feel encouraged, don the armour of God.....get slammed with naughty pictures left for me to find....take a nap because I just can do nothing else....start over with more coffee and more biblestudy apps...

My days are starting to feel like weeks.

 

To change my focus, I'm going to flip this around now. I'm going to share with you not the pain in my heart or how I'm still bleeding but let's count some blessings.

 

I have memorized gobs of verses. Its an amazing gift from my parents. As a kids I was tasked with memorizing a verse a day...for like 10+ years. Now as my heart flips, a new verse rises to the top like a spiritual magic 8 ball. Way better of course because the word of God is useful and fills the heart and soul. I'm surrounded in God's word. I always internally add, the word - is God - God is Love, I'm surrounded in Love. Exactly what a bleeding heart needs most.

 

I'm hugely gifted with music. Listening to the right song at the right time is a balm. Making myself a mixed CD was an activity that I was able to do without any thoughts one way or the other. Allowing me moments of pause. If you know music than you understand that a pause can make it all sweeter. Pausing now and again is such a blessing.

 

I'm also getting some flyers in my inbox for relationship rescue. While that's not going to happen here I'm finding them to be a huge blessing. I was living a dream. My eyes are gently being pried open by this flyer. (My eyes are being slammed opened plenty too). Here is the advice,

 

1. Don't focus or talk about your problems with your spouse. Focus on love. Find a neutral topic and don't stray from it. This is relationship building.

 

2. Find a way to touch that is very very simple. Very non sexual. The same way you'd touch a child...but don't be condescending. This is to recognize how distant you've become. When you're with a child you adore you can't help but reach out and touch them. It's a form of loving that we've all but lost. While I'm not reaching out and touching Mike, HELL NO, I'm realizing I need to say less to my kids and sneak more hugs.

 

3. Give. Give. Give. Giving is an attitude of abundance. Giving gets you out of a poverty mindset and into a "how can I love on you today" attitude. Expect your returns from God. Obedience is always rewarded by God. So...Love one another. This one is easier than it sounds. When you're at the fridge, offer to get everyone a drink. When you're getting up from the table surprise whoever's doing the dishes by taking that task for the night. Get the idea? This giving is for you more than for them. Not all that crazy.

 

I'm doing these things with my relationships not because I'm trying to change my course but because I understand that this is awesome advice for any relationship. When I'm struggling with my teenagers in a few years this advice will still be exactly right.

 

So I'm standing in line for the Tower of Terror. I'm terrified but I have a feeling I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

 

 

You want me to do WHAT?!?

My kids are crazy. I like them exactly that way. On Sunday they got silly sunglasses with mustaches attached. It's freaking hilarious. Strangers stop to compliment them on their fine mustaches or to let me know I let the kids out the house without a good shave. It's been awesome.
Who knew all you need to have fans is a mustache?
Magnum PI suddenly makes perfect sense.

Along with their fine mustaches they end up schooling me more than I teach them. Today after taking Katie to her new middle school we were overtaken by a heavy rain storm. Tyler was sitting in the front seat of the car and immediately piped up with, "Cool, we've got front row seats."
Being all serious and Mommy like I instantly went contemplative and thought, "Dude, how right you are."
Not a moment later, "The clouds must be having an emotional outbreak but look you can see the Sun, it will be okay." I heard, Son...like God....and kinda wondered about God's mysterious ways. Just in case I was getting to weirded out Tyler then added, "Or Angels are peeing on us."

Oh, did you snort your coffee? Yeah I almost went off the road. Oops. My kids are very entertaining.
I truly am blessed beyond measure.

Now, as I share more today, please keep in mind that I'm fragile. All human and filled with soft gooey bits. I need you all to just let me share without comments from the peanut gallery.

For all the crap and garbage that I've discovered. For all that we'll be going through still, I still love my husband. It's not a switch you can just turn off. I've spent 14 years building this marriage and just like Rome not being built in a day neither was my life.

It still looks like I'm getting a divorce but I really don't know one way or the other if I want one. I know I don't plan on standing for shenanigans. I know that I will protect my kids whatever the personal cost to me. But here is the kicker, I don't have to know one way or another and I have a certain freedom there that allows me to forgive.

God isn't asking me to fight for my marriage, He's asking to Fight on my behalf.
God isn't asking me "What do you want", He's asking me to let Him carry me through to a better way.

God is asking for my complete obedience without a lick of understanding.

I'm sure that thinking things through and letting time give me perspective work but that's not this game. When Jesus stretched out his hand to Paul to walk beside him on the water, Paul didn't get a chance to "think about it, go slow, give it time". Paul had to obey or not walk with Jesus.
Sinking was a very real option. Drowning extremely likely.

In order for me to grow as a human being I've been asked to shine God's light into my soul and identify my weaknesses. I have a huge need to talk, communicate, make others ears bleed. It's something I've always tried to put a positive spin on but quite frankly over talking is one of the fastest and easiest ways to get in deep doo doo.
I also seem to collect toxic relationships. I've got boundaries issues. I want and crave to be liked so much at times I'm no better than New Jersey's mascot Snookey. Selling her dignity for fame.
And I like to do things my way.
EXACTLY my way. (I like all my soup cans to face forward and they are in catagories based on usage) (Oh and my closet is organized by color...My shrink has told me its a control issue...a coping mechanism for damaged people...duh) (I also habitually close closet doors but that's a very long story)(have I mentioned I like over sharing?)

So of course, God would be asking me to do it His way.

God would also use my weakness to communicate. I'm extremely humbled by the responses to my blog but I've also worried that it's truly going to take a miracle for any huge changes. Airing all my dirty laundry isn't helping my case with Mike. Mike prefers to keep his private life, private. In other words, none of your business.
I have to be obedient and right now I feel that is sharing my flaws in a blog.

I do see how it actually has protected me a great deal. Sharing has led to others reaching out and comforting me, educating me, and letting God speak to me. Awesome.
It's come with back lash as well. Many well meaning pieces of advice that I have no intentions of following.
(Like when I was pregnant, a lady at the grocery store told me to be careful about bathing because water could enter my belly button and drown the baby. I kid you not, she was dead serious.) (I'm keeping a list of awesome divorce advice as well....bwahaha)

Today, God's way for my life entails, blogging, taking the kids to school, calling my new apartment complex, a pedicure, and laundry. I'm not allowed to understand or make decisions. I'm just supposed to obey. Oh and I'm supposed to remember to pick up the kids after school....hm....