I'm finding myself feeling tortured.
Tyler has Mono and I know I need to get tested as well. In fact I'm pretty sure I gave it to him.
It's an "interesting" level of exhaustion that I have previously only experienced after giving birth.
It's left me with a body that refuses to stay awake and a brain that can't sleep. I'm left with the inability to use my normal distractions and must face my own brain.
There's the usual banter about needing to feed the family, plan meals, clean house, laundry but layered in is a sneaky evil attacking me.
Thoughts that I feel are in fact a spiritual attack. I'm not usually one for going all woo woo but I'm feeling strongly that these thoughts are coming from somewhere other than my head and heart.
I'm familiar with the fact the Satan wants to destroy marriage and I'm feeling like he's aimed his weapons at me.
I'll be laying my head down to nap and I'll start mentally going over all the pinterest projects I'd love to try when out of nowhere the picture will switch and I'll graphically imagine my husband getting a blow job by the other woman. Quickly I'll tell myself to stop and I'll dredge up a verse. I've got some on index cards by my bed. I'm starting to think I need to carry those index cards in my pocket.
Because Mike is still in a sling he's still not supposed to be driving. Which means I'm driving everyone, everywhere. Being super exhausted I'll think I can close my eyes at a red light. I'll be in the middle of an innocent conversation about what flavor hot chocolate can we have with dinner, close my eyes, only to suddenly feel like I need to drive to where Mike is supposed to be to see if I might catch him lying to me. Ugh.
My head and heart are in agreement that I want to be who God tells me I am. I'm a good wife, I'm a good friend, I am adored lavishly by God. I'm faithful and forgiving.
I'm learning more and more what it means to forgive. I feel like I've leveled up my game to the big leagues. I know the bible warns that this is a spiritual battle but I got to say this has me feeling tortured. I wish I could say that with each attack they get shorter and less potent. Nope. I can say that I've memorized quite a bit more scripture in the last few weeks than in the last few years.
I'm learning that shining God's light on a situation is always the best and only way to do things. I can tell you that just God's word against these thoughts blows them up like an explosion on mythbusters. I feel that each time I recognize an attack I run and hide behind God. I know that God's got this one. I'm wondering why and how I keep getting out from under God. You'd think I'd be smart enough to just hide in Christ and stay put. Oops..
I find the struggle gets even harder when talking to people. At home with my family I'm confident I'm doing the right thing. It feels wonderful and healing.
When I'm alone I wonder if I'm being a doormat.
Wonder if I'm a sucker.
Wonder if I'm teaching my kids to forgive or just to roll over and be taken advantage of.
I have to constantly, vocally give this to God.
I find though that in conversation I can't quite express that I want to let God heal my marriage because I'm afraid of sounding like a wimp. I don't know if I like myself for being so forgiving. I'm struggling here. I want to sound confident and in charge but explaining that I'm working on showing grace to someone who has horribly hurt me because if our situation was reversed it's how I would want to be treated leaves me sounding....disjointed and depressed. It's not how I want to sound. I want God's love to pour from me because I feel His love for me so lavishly that it just overflows onto those around me.
I want to be an example of forgiving 70x7 but also showing that Christians aren't supposed to be doormats that are trusting like a puppy. We are sharp and empowered with God's wisdom. I'm sharp and I'm empowered with God's wisdom because I asked for it and He gave it to me. Says so, right in James.
I'm learning that when I speak God's truth of grace and what I'm learning about how to forgive and be forgiven that I'm embracing faith and God's power in my life. I'm learning that I can banish the horrible thoughts with just the name Jesus. Probably sounds like I'm swearing as I lay there trying to sleep.
Ah well, I'm a work in progress. Swearing is the least of my worries.
As we celebrate Christmas I'm unable to write an annual Christmas letter. It would end up feeling more like an emotional grenade. You'd open it and start reading only to find yourself horrified with all the crap.
January was moving, saying goodbye to too many wonderful people, and goodbye to stuff that was stolen or smashed to bits by movers. February more of the same....we actually moved just after Valentines. Yet another holiday missed that makes me feel neglected.
March was lonely and spent trying to shove 2400square feet into 1600sq ft.
April, May....I made a friend but started homeschooling because my kids were drowning in school.
June and July I was getting my homeschooling groove on, house hunting, etc while Mike was deployed. Tyler started getting sick again.
I'll stop there.
It's been a trying year.
But that doesn't even come close to the story of Love that all runs through out. My children love me and love each other. It's fun to see my kids act like they don't have any friends but then prefer to play with each other time and again. Never admitting that they are each others best friend.
Moving is hard but it's a new beginning.
I love getting to decorate all the time. I love meeting new people and collecting friends.
I adore getting to explore without ever being far from home. My home is where my heart is so I am privileged to get to see the world with my heart. My family.
Even when my whole world exploded I can see so many good changes.
I remember being horribly sad when I heard that Yellow Stone National Park was devastated by fire. It was a black scar on the earth where once was lush forests. It was heartbreaking.
I remember at the time someone, I think my Dad, explained that it was actually a good thing. That the earth needed the renewal. The fire cleared out the funk, the dead, the broken. The fire caused new seeds to burst forth and the ash nourished the soil.
If you look at Yellow Stone today you see wonderful lush life again. I read somewhere that the fire actually caused seeds to sprout from trees that they previously though extinct. The fire gave new life to a forest that we didn't realize needed it.
My life is the same.
I'm coming to life like never before.
I still fight the effects of the burn but I can see the new life. I can feel hope for a lush future.
It's far too much to put in a Christmas card.
So as you think of us, please continue to pray. We are still under attack. Godly marriages everywhere are. Mike hasn't said anything but I can promise he's under attack too. We can't fight this. Only God can. Pray. As you pray, thank Him, Praise Him, for blessing us with renewal. For giving us a life better than we'd imagined.
And pray for me and Tyler as we struggle through Christmas with Mono.
I should probably rethink hanging the mistletoe this year.
Tyler has Mono and I know I need to get tested as well. In fact I'm pretty sure I gave it to him.
It's an "interesting" level of exhaustion that I have previously only experienced after giving birth.
It's left me with a body that refuses to stay awake and a brain that can't sleep. I'm left with the inability to use my normal distractions and must face my own brain.
There's the usual banter about needing to feed the family, plan meals, clean house, laundry but layered in is a sneaky evil attacking me.
Thoughts that I feel are in fact a spiritual attack. I'm not usually one for going all woo woo but I'm feeling strongly that these thoughts are coming from somewhere other than my head and heart.
I'm familiar with the fact the Satan wants to destroy marriage and I'm feeling like he's aimed his weapons at me.
I'll be laying my head down to nap and I'll start mentally going over all the pinterest projects I'd love to try when out of nowhere the picture will switch and I'll graphically imagine my husband getting a blow job by the other woman. Quickly I'll tell myself to stop and I'll dredge up a verse. I've got some on index cards by my bed. I'm starting to think I need to carry those index cards in my pocket.
Because Mike is still in a sling he's still not supposed to be driving. Which means I'm driving everyone, everywhere. Being super exhausted I'll think I can close my eyes at a red light. I'll be in the middle of an innocent conversation about what flavor hot chocolate can we have with dinner, close my eyes, only to suddenly feel like I need to drive to where Mike is supposed to be to see if I might catch him lying to me. Ugh.
My head and heart are in agreement that I want to be who God tells me I am. I'm a good wife, I'm a good friend, I am adored lavishly by God. I'm faithful and forgiving.
I'm learning more and more what it means to forgive. I feel like I've leveled up my game to the big leagues. I know the bible warns that this is a spiritual battle but I got to say this has me feeling tortured. I wish I could say that with each attack they get shorter and less potent. Nope. I can say that I've memorized quite a bit more scripture in the last few weeks than in the last few years.
I'm learning that shining God's light on a situation is always the best and only way to do things. I can tell you that just God's word against these thoughts blows them up like an explosion on mythbusters. I feel that each time I recognize an attack I run and hide behind God. I know that God's got this one. I'm wondering why and how I keep getting out from under God. You'd think I'd be smart enough to just hide in Christ and stay put. Oops..
I find the struggle gets even harder when talking to people. At home with my family I'm confident I'm doing the right thing. It feels wonderful and healing.
When I'm alone I wonder if I'm being a doormat.
Wonder if I'm a sucker.
Wonder if I'm teaching my kids to forgive or just to roll over and be taken advantage of.
I have to constantly, vocally give this to God.
I find though that in conversation I can't quite express that I want to let God heal my marriage because I'm afraid of sounding like a wimp. I don't know if I like myself for being so forgiving. I'm struggling here. I want to sound confident and in charge but explaining that I'm working on showing grace to someone who has horribly hurt me because if our situation was reversed it's how I would want to be treated leaves me sounding....disjointed and depressed. It's not how I want to sound. I want God's love to pour from me because I feel His love for me so lavishly that it just overflows onto those around me.
I want to be an example of forgiving 70x7 but also showing that Christians aren't supposed to be doormats that are trusting like a puppy. We are sharp and empowered with God's wisdom. I'm sharp and I'm empowered with God's wisdom because I asked for it and He gave it to me. Says so, right in James.
I'm learning that when I speak God's truth of grace and what I'm learning about how to forgive and be forgiven that I'm embracing faith and God's power in my life. I'm learning that I can banish the horrible thoughts with just the name Jesus. Probably sounds like I'm swearing as I lay there trying to sleep.
Ah well, I'm a work in progress. Swearing is the least of my worries.
As we celebrate Christmas I'm unable to write an annual Christmas letter. It would end up feeling more like an emotional grenade. You'd open it and start reading only to find yourself horrified with all the crap.
January was moving, saying goodbye to too many wonderful people, and goodbye to stuff that was stolen or smashed to bits by movers. February more of the same....we actually moved just after Valentines. Yet another holiday missed that makes me feel neglected.
March was lonely and spent trying to shove 2400square feet into 1600sq ft.
April, May....I made a friend but started homeschooling because my kids were drowning in school.
June and July I was getting my homeschooling groove on, house hunting, etc while Mike was deployed. Tyler started getting sick again.
I'll stop there.
It's been a trying year.
But that doesn't even come close to the story of Love that all runs through out. My children love me and love each other. It's fun to see my kids act like they don't have any friends but then prefer to play with each other time and again. Never admitting that they are each others best friend.
Moving is hard but it's a new beginning.
I love getting to decorate all the time. I love meeting new people and collecting friends.
I adore getting to explore without ever being far from home. My home is where my heart is so I am privileged to get to see the world with my heart. My family.
Even when my whole world exploded I can see so many good changes.
I remember being horribly sad when I heard that Yellow Stone National Park was devastated by fire. It was a black scar on the earth where once was lush forests. It was heartbreaking.
I remember at the time someone, I think my Dad, explained that it was actually a good thing. That the earth needed the renewal. The fire cleared out the funk, the dead, the broken. The fire caused new seeds to burst forth and the ash nourished the soil.
If you look at Yellow Stone today you see wonderful lush life again. I read somewhere that the fire actually caused seeds to sprout from trees that they previously though extinct. The fire gave new life to a forest that we didn't realize needed it.
My life is the same.
I'm coming to life like never before.
I still fight the effects of the burn but I can see the new life. I can feel hope for a lush future.
It's far too much to put in a Christmas card.
So as you think of us, please continue to pray. We are still under attack. Godly marriages everywhere are. Mike hasn't said anything but I can promise he's under attack too. We can't fight this. Only God can. Pray. As you pray, thank Him, Praise Him, for blessing us with renewal. For giving us a life better than we'd imagined.
And pray for me and Tyler as we struggle through Christmas with Mono.
I should probably rethink hanging the mistletoe this year.
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