I'm a giant freaking ninny.

Turn from sin.
Flee from sin.
Sure, duh.

As I've read this in the past I thought turning from sin was more of a...turn off the TV kinda thing. I've seen fleeing from evil like a silly cartoon where you're chased by a big dog.
In every situation I thought I wasn't in sin but just looking at the possibility of sinning and walking away.
Turning off the tv can be tough but it isn't painful. Not walking into a dark alley, creepy bar, seems like a good idea.

I'm learning something new here. This time I'm being asked to flee from sin. Not as an act of running away because I'm scared but as a physical distance from sin. This time I wasn't on the outside looking in but rather in too deep and totally invested.

This time it is painful. Like being asked to chop off your own arm painful. However, like that movie (that I refuse to watch) about the hiker that does indeed chop off his own arm to live, I too must do this to live. When that movie came out (still never gonna watch it) I wondered if I would have the strength of mind, character, etc to do whatever it takes to live. I guess I do. Or rather, I'm a giant freaking ninny, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I dreamed last night about my marriage. Good time and bad times feeling neutral but watching as I was sinking into the depths of the ocean with my eyes closed. Then at the last moment my eyes were opened and I was in so deep I literally woke up gasping for air. Awake in bed my dream finished. I saw myself struggling to do whatever it took to swim to the top and take a deep breath of air. On top of the waves I discovered a life vest and my kids. We headed towards an island of waving people happy to see us.

I just took it in. Shook my head, went and made coffee.

I then sat down to my morning bible study. A new study I started yesterday on retaining God's character during tough times. And read this,
"As you reflect back on the journey you've been on, how is God working in your heart and the lives of others to move out into new waters of faith and service for HIS glory?"
I got chills.

I will never doubt that this divorce wasn't exactly part of God's plan for my life. I'm not expecting to ever understand and I'm OK with that.

Quantum Physics has a silly little problem that scientists are always struggling with. Did this thing exist before we started looking for it or did it appear because we were looking for it?  Quacks the lot of them. These are the same people who are charging in with "facts" that God is just a good feeling you get from your frontal lobe. Sure.

The Bible says to Seek God and you WILL FIND HIM. God didn't just appear because I needed him. He's been actively seeking my heart. Now that's a love story! I'm so delighted to discover the daily treats He's got in store for me.
I said earlier that perhaps I didn't understand love. My heart has known more that it ever let on. I'm so glad that I've gotten out of my head and been given another chance to lead with my heart.

 

Learning Hate.

I knew someday I'd have to teach my children how to hate but I thought it was far off. Perhaps once they'd started dating. Never today.

Today Tyler snuggled up next to me on the couch and said, "I hate her mom. I want her to die."

Oh, sweetheart.

Our first lesson on hate had begun without me noticing.

"Tyler, no. You can't hate her. You can hate cheating. You can hate sin but you can't hate her."

"But Mom, she's terrible. She took Daddy."

"No, she's human. Sin is terrible and Daddy made a choice to sin."

"Can I hate Dad?"

This was a delicate dance that will require many more conversations. I wish I could just tell Tyler and have complete instant understanding but that's never gonna happen. I called Katie to join us.

Today we talked about hate.

Hate is powerful and can protect. When you hate innocent people being hurt, hate lying, and hate cheating you are standing for Love, Protection and Honesty. People sin though and do these things to us all the time. We are never to hate people. This is an interesting idea to the kids. They were highly interested that I was encouraging them to hate. To hate on purpose. That hating protects. This was something they'd never hear about or thought about.

Until this week hate was how you treated vegatables, showers and bedtime. It wasn't an issue about hating people. We'd learned about hateful people and to steer clear of them but this was diferent.

Learning how to HATE what their Daddy has done to them while not hating Dad.... Well, it's going to take direct intervetion from the Holy Spirit to understand.

I also told them that when you HATE the wrong way it's like peeing in the pool. Hating the wrong way is a poison to you and everyone around you. Hating people is destructive and destroys. It's weak and not God's plan. But that even God hates.

Proverbs 6:16-19

"Here are six things God hates, and

one more that he loathes with a passion:

eyes that are arrogant,

a tongue that lies,

hands that murder the innocent,

a heart that hatches evil plots,

feet that race down a wicked track,

a mouth that lies under oath,

a troublemaker in the family."

God hates. We are supposed to hate. Hating wrong causes pain and destroys peoples lives. Hating right means always lovingly, kindly, treating the person but being very immovable about what is wrong. It means being honest and assertive becaues you hate lies and sneakiness.

It means behaving with dignity because you hate and refuse to manipulate.

Hating God's way is constructive. Hating sin but loving the sinner allows you to stand against sin and still forgive the person.

Take a stand against dishonesty, abuse, disrespect, control, oppression. Hate them. When you dont' you lower the standards in your life. Just like water dribbles down to the lowest spot on the ground, if you allow mistreatment, then people who mistreat others will find you and give you what you tolerate.

Never tolerate sin.

Proverbs 6:32

"Adultery is a brainless act, soul-destroying, self-destructive; Expect a bloody nose, a black eye, and a reputaion ruined for good." The Message

"A man who takes part in adultery has no sense; he will destroy himself." NIV

Poor Mike. He's currently a brainless troublemaker in the family. Destroying himself but we are still called to love him. We are to hate adultery, cheating, lying, troublemaking but never Mike.

You try telling this to the troublemakers son. I hope Tyler is even able to listen. I hate what sin is doing to us. I hate seeing that look of pain on my childrens faces but this isn't ever going away.

If you know someone who is struggling in their marrage please share my blog with them so they can better count the cost of divorce. The price is so very high.

I'm counting the cost of my actions each and every day. I'm both honored and saddened to teach my children about sin. They are better understanding their personal salvation in a way that most 9 and 12 year olds don't have to face.

We're going to lean in and learn from our problems. We just learned that problems can be dealt with in three ways.

1. Change yourself. ( If your neighbor is noisy can you just ignore it? Work on your attitude?)

2. Change your enviroment simply. ( Would moving to another room solve it? Can you wear headphones to drown them out?)

3. Remove the problem or yourself. ( Can you move apartments? Can you go outside? Can you ask them to turn it down?)

However I'm not sure this applies this time.

I've learned that you just don't tolerate sin. If the person involved can't help but continue to sin than you have to remove yourself from them. You don't just sit by and watch. You flee from evil.

If you watch some murder an innocent and do nothing you are an assessory.

Because I told Tyler and Katie that hating wrong was like peeing in the pool they figured out that it was something people do but don't admit to. They are sharp kids. I agree that far too often even Christians think we have to tolerate everything to love the sinner. Or they end up hating the Sinner just as much as the Sin.

Oh man is this a hard hard lesson to teach your kids. I've never been so personally violated and struggled so hard to hate properly.

I'm not entirely sure I like that Jesus died on the cross to save people from such behaviour. I kinda don't mind sinners burning in hell. That is until I remember that there is no sin scale and I'm kinda totally a sinner...For all have sinned.....bummer.

I'd much rather have taught my kids how to make a cake.

Rejoice, Give and Do something.

God's sense of humor isn't lost on me and I'm been given opportunities to laugh this morning.

I woke up to encouraging texts, coffee and GLEE. The new season starts with some of my favorite people struggling with new beginings. I felt right at home.

I then proceeded to be reminded of things I say. Which is both awesome, frightening, and hilarious.

When we struggled with losing everything financially in Denver, God's lessons on Rejoicing Always started. Since then I've tried to keep champange in my fridge as a physical reminder that I'm to celebrate. It's a symbol of Rejoicing the good times. God's plan is to give us hope and a future!
(As a side note my friend Jo also told me I was just looking for excuses to party but...can you blame me?)

When we struggled through the valley of the shadow of death with Tyler I was taught to GIVE EVERYTHING to God.

During Deployment I learned that a bad attitude and a good attitude can NOT co exsist. It's like a coin, only one side can ever face up at a time. I've had great joy sharing coins with other deployed wives and hearing how this has also blessed them.

Rejoice, Give, and Do.

I've got a list started of all the doo doing I need to be doing...hee hee.
Thank you for supporting me, praying for me and please stay with me while I ...(can't resist) doo do.

What Doesn't Kill you....

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Really? What about diarrhea while camping? Does it really make you stronger?
This is one of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes jokes. I have a terrible sense of humor. So do most of you, egging me on all the time.

Today was terrible and not terrible. Diarrhea while camping would qualify as all terrible, FYI.

I'm riding quite a roller coaster.
One minute I'm justifying and forgiving and in utter denial.
Immediately I remember fresh hurts.
I'm still broken that Tyler climbed into bed with me crying last night. I'm torn up that he petted my hair and I realized it's been far too long since I've had loving touch.
Which makes me mad.
So I start telling myself that it's okay to be mad. That anybody would be mad if they discovered "cancer" in their house.
So I get a little sad that the "cancer" is my husband.
Realizing that I have to act soon. Not really ready to do anything. Today is official one week.

Ugh.

Did you recognize all the stages of grief? It's almost a tragic comedy performance. I can do all of them at lightening speed. I stop on different stages each go round.

I did get a chance to talk to some wonderful people who helped me hold it together.
Then I saw Mike friended his girlfriend on FB. Ugh.Words can't describe this, it required lots of leaking.

So I spent the evening at a friends house. She and I ate pizza and laughed at songs, silly stuff and vented.
Going through all the stages of grief in mere moments. Who knew couches could be roller coasters?

Grief is really hard work.

I did get a few gifts though. I loved all my phone calls. You know who you are. Each person uplifting me in a different way. Encouraging me gently while letting me know they loved me.

I need that.

I felt very attacked by thoughts of wrongs today. It was extremely hard to focus on God. To hide my heart in HIM. To don the armour of God. Ridiculously hard today.

It's just so hard to watch your children cry. Divorce is so very very ugly.
However, I couldn't stand for letting cancer live in my body. I did have a tumor cut out of my son's head far to recently for my heart to forget. God required nothing less than ALL then and God is asking for nothing less this time. I know that you can't allow a "cancer" room to grow. I'm feeling very much like I'm being asked to perform self heart surgery.

Today I felt like I didn't have much to give. My ALL has been beaten down by tears. I'm glad to give it to Him. I realize I'm no one's Saviour. I can do nothing without HIM and ALL THINGS through/with HIM. However, regardless of how positive I might be this makes me very very tired.

Tonight I must simply find rest. I'm very grateful that God promises in Him I can.


 

I'm all right?

Yeah, it's the middle of the night but I felt a prompting to share what was on my mind.

I have a deep seated, irrational fear. Everyone does. It's not silly but it's so unlikely that I can't believe I waste time on it. I'm sorta afraid of really deep water. Mostly because my imagination is so amazing that I can come up with some fantastic sea monsters lurking in those deep waters. However, that's not it. I hate hate hate creepy crawlies. Those of you who carry this deep seated fear skip down a bit.

When I was 14 and on a babysitting job I walked into a dark room and started the ceiling fan only to have roached shower down on me. Lots of screaming. I took of my shirt trying to get them off of me and....well that 10yr boy has mentioned many many times that I was the love of his life as a boy.

However, thats not it either. I'm afraid of amputation. Not on others. I'm not freaked out by trauma faced by others. I'm not even afraid of having to do it to someone else. Yes, I've exaimed this fully. I'm horribly afraid of losing a piece of me.

I just woke up from a horrible nightmare. I was lying in a hospital bed and my entire left side had been removed. It was such a vivid dream from my perspective that I felt numb. I figured that made about as much sense as Mike asking for a divorce, which one is real?

I'm going through all the stages of grieve but acceptance. I'm kinda refusing to get that far yet. In the meantime I race through each stage throughout the day feeling like a nutcase. The "rollercoaster" ride of a lifetime.

So I'm laying in a hosptial bed. A sheet is covering my body and the sheet doesn't look right. I'm no longer whole. A nurse stops in to bring me flowers and tells me that I have visitors. They all file in and tell me I'm going to be fine. It will be an adjustment but I'll be better for it.
Many of them are also "half" a person. They all function beautifully. Each in their own way. In wheel chairs, on crutches, prosthetics, etc... but all just half a person.
Learning to keep their heads turned slightly so that they appear whole.
"You're strong and this will make you stronger."

Sure. Cause basically, I'm all right now. Ha ha. Joke's on me. I'm all right. My left side has been removed. Of course I'm going to be stronger I have to compensate for the loss of my entire left side.

I was very relieved to wake up.
I also laughed. I love humor for healing so much that I can't decided if the dream was a gift or an attach and decided it doesn't matter cause I like laughing. Laughing heals me as much as crying does.

Before everyone starts hopping up and down listen closely, I realize that the left side was where I was letting God live, not Mike. I was letting myself be half a person because I was doing it all myself.
Oops.

God's plan for me is to be whole. I do know what that looks like. A right and a left side, ha ha.
God knit me together...not symetical but on purpose. His purpose.

I've been loving 100% in my marriage. Trying to tempt with sex. Keeping favorite drinks in the fridge. I've enjoyed it. I never realized I was compensating. Turning my head ever so slightly to look whole.

God reminded me that He has a GOOD plan for me. A plan to give me HOPE. Jeremiah 29:11-13 in the message reads,

"I say this because I know what I am planning for you,"

 says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you.

 I will give you hope and a good future.

Then you will call my name (check).

You will come to me and pray to me (check, check.)

 and I will listen to you (check again).

You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me!"

Going back to my dream, I read the words, search with all your heart and wondered if it was even possible to search without the other half of my heart. God reminded me that He was there all along. I could have been whole with Him the entire time.

I'm able to go back to sleep now. It's not even 4am. I've been given God's peace once more. I KNOW that I'm going to Whole. Which is more that...hee hee....All right.

After stewing.

I love getting to stew on things for a day. I always have.
I imagine that it's easy to see what I've been thinking as you really don't need to be a mindreader since I'm blogging.

It's been gently pointed out to me that...blah blah, this and that, blah blah. I'd like to share where my heart is at this moment hoping to make the mud clear.

I've discovered that the intamcy in marriage that God planned for us has been missing in my life. That means to me that I don't truly understand love. I'm not in any way blaming anyone. It's like discovering that there are more flavors of ice cream than vanilla. Awe inspiring. Makes you to know exactly what God meant.
I offically crave to know true intamcy and don't know if I'll settle ever again. That's what God showed me this morning.

God's strengthened and loved me over the last couple of days so much that I'm offically spoiled rotten. I never want to not be spoiled by God. It's brilliant. So my heart cries and it's hard to take because growing up always is. Plus being a know-it-all I don't like having new information so late in the game.

As for the rest. I do need to treat my outsides as well as I've been treating my insides. I've been not eating or drinking. It just hurt too much. Not eating is a bad idea. Now my kids kept insisting on meals and no one other than me was starving but I was directly being told to stop it. So I'm not making charts and planning to spend hours as the yet. I did drink enough water today and breakfast and lunch. We'll see about dinner as it's not going so well. I need to be more gentle.

Now for a little bit deeper.

I'm craving and contemplating all this intamcy stuff. It's big. (hee hee, that's what she said)
Seriously though, it makes Mike's betrayal hurt more. It also makes the cross more real. Mike isn't the first or the last person to sin. And there isn't a sin scale so little white lies are the same as an affair in God's book.
This is interesting. There's a book by Townsend and Cloud...like Nine things you must do? It's somewhere and I'm looking for it. I remember reading that every Christian needs to learn to HATE RIGHT. That whole Hate the Sin, not the sinner.

Well, I get that but.... I'm also thinking I hate anything that isn't exactly God's plan for me. I'm becoming more timid as I look into my recent and not so recent past to see all the ways I've separated myself, willingly from God.
And I HATE Separation from God.

It's been a really good day for stewing. Weather almost feels like fall......
 

DisneyWorld.

I didn't feel like sharing before my coffee this morning but I did. Now I get to share with you the gift I realize I was given. I'd much rather share good things. I'm still not sold on sharing my dirty laundry with you all but God is insisting. I'm not in the mood to tell God I've got a headache. That would come back to bite me so I'll behave and keep obeying.

So this gift.
We got to go to Disney World for the first time every last Christmas. It's as awesome as they say. It delights in so many many ways. I'm not sure if I loved Space Mountain or the Teacups best. I loved seeing people celebrate and being happy. The economy didn't matter, Disney is always packed.
Truly a magical place.
But..you knew this was coming....
I wouldn't want to ride Space Mountain for weeks on end.
I wouldn't love living out of a hotel after a while.
I would truly hate having to eat vacation food for more than just a while.
Disney World is a magic place to visit not live.

We are called to live in Christ. He's got the best roller coasters. His food satisfies forever. He's also got the best gift shop ever. Yeah, I love the gift shop.

I've decided to view the last 14 years this way. God planted this in my mind as a gift. A totally rocking one. I've just had the best time but I wasn't living in Christ.
My marriage was part Space Mountain, long lines, and wonderful treats that never satify like HIM.
I'm going to tell people about my marriage like I share about Disney.

You tell people the highlights. That is if you have friends...complainers don't as a rule.
I got the best souveniers. Two beautiful awesome amazing children.
(I'm grateful that souvenier isn't possible anymore...LOL)
I enjoyed the rides while they lasted.
I'm slightly more mature now and realized nothing but God lasts forever. (My maturity is mere moments old so lets not get all excited)

I really loved Disney World.