Warning I'm dropping the F-Bomb!

Last night was rough. I spent most of the day whining at God. Oh and swearing up a blue streak. Just a warning....FUCK...is my new favorite word.
I've decided it's a healthy way for me to express. Plus I'm pretty sure God would have put the Fbomb in the bible if they'd been using it way back when. The bible was written to meet us where we are and people are often guilty of waiting until they are complete fucked before they read HIS word.

So you've been warned.

I'm a fucking Rock Star. I've whined that I've been an amazing Wive! I've not just done a great job but I've had a rough ride and am still awesome. I read Proverbs 31...whining more at God. I feel whining at God is also encouraged FYI. Shoot God added the enitre book of Lamentations to the Bible and what is Lamentations but old school for the book of bitching.

God has held my hand and let me yell Fuck to my hearts content. I went to bed pissed. I rolled over in the night whining at God more. Then at about 3am I just couldn't sleep and started up again. I swear I heard God chuckling at me.

Let me skip ahead to my morning bible study's verses. You're gonna like this.
Ecclesiastes 2:24-26 the message

"The best you can do with your life is have a good time and get the best you can. The way I see it, that's it - divine fate. Whether we feast of fast, it's up to God. God may give wisdome and knowledge and joy to his favorites, but sinners are assigned a life of hard labor, and end up turning their wages over to God's favoriets. Nothing but smoke - and spitting into the wind."

 

Hee hee....I have a bumper sticker that reads, "JESUS LOVE YOU, but I'm His Favorite." Yeah baby. You heard it here....I'm His Favorite.

 

So last night while wrestling with my sheets, turning the air blue, and pouting I asked for wisdom. I went so far as to quote God's words back at him. (James, if any one asked for wisdom God will give it). Then I braced myself. Then I got sick and went to the bathroom. (I do after all call my blog TMI)

God let it rip.

 

The knot in my stomach has been replaced with fire. Goody. I was reminded that I have been obedient and that I plan on continuing to be obedient. I don't have a choice as far as I see it. I've been granted wisdom and I understand what matters, people. Everything else is just stuff.

 

I'm not going to spill the beans on everything God has let me in on right now. Let's just stick with I've been filled with fire. Just in case I need to inform certain parties before I spill the news.

 

I'm been given clarity on how to take responsibility for my own actions. On how to best protect my family. I'm really really excited to move to Boerne TX and get my party on with my family. I'm going to enjoy margaritas and possibly go back to school to finish my bachelor's while selling real estate part time. I'm going to have a good time and bask in the LOVE offered to God's favorites.

 

And I'm gonna say FUCK alot more often. Hee hee.....

The Tower of Terror.

Bwahahaha Welcome to the Tower of Terror! A haunted hotel that was abandoned years ago. Come inside, if you dare.

Dude, this is totally a ride at Disney.

I was trying to explain to my daughter why I was crying about filling out paperwork and looking at Christmas ornaments.  I told her that I'm terrified but it's the same kind of terrified you get when you're standing in line at a new roller coaster. Your hands get sweaty, your nerves stretched. You look around at all the laughing people and think, "Don't they realize we're all gonna die?" A look crosses your face. Some poor stranger, leans over and says, "First time? I can tell. You're gonna love it." You wonder if the survivors are all brain damaged and give him a week smile. You're daughter walks off saying you talk too much but that she knows you love roller coasters so what's the big deal.

I'm starting to suspect Katie likes calling me on crap. This will make for an interesting bunch of teen years.

So I'm moving forward. Like I had an option not too, really. First there's Monday, then Tuesday, now Wednesday....Nobody consulted me on this.

This week is gonna be horrible. I'm going to get through it because I'm hidden in God but I'm still walking through fire here.
Romans 12:2 today's verse from my app...

"Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you

fit into it without even thinking.

Instead, fix your attention on God.

You'll be changed from the inside out.

Readily recognize what he wants from you,

and quickly respond to it."

 

Verses that God laid on my heart last Thursday. The first part was to offer the everyday parts of my life to him. I've been doing that because, like I said before, it's easy to give what you haven't a clue to do about.

 

I've also been reminded to get my blinders on. To look neither right or left but focus solely on God. I'm not exactly getting that right all day long. I'll start the day just fine. Coffee, biblestudy app, feel encouraged, don the armour of God.....get slammed with naughty pictures left for me to find....take a nap because I just can do nothing else....start over with more coffee and more biblestudy apps...

My days are starting to feel like weeks.

 

To change my focus, I'm going to flip this around now. I'm going to share with you not the pain in my heart or how I'm still bleeding but let's count some blessings.

 

I have memorized gobs of verses. Its an amazing gift from my parents. As a kids I was tasked with memorizing a verse a day...for like 10+ years. Now as my heart flips, a new verse rises to the top like a spiritual magic 8 ball. Way better of course because the word of God is useful and fills the heart and soul. I'm surrounded in God's word. I always internally add, the word - is God - God is Love, I'm surrounded in Love. Exactly what a bleeding heart needs most.

 

I'm hugely gifted with music. Listening to the right song at the right time is a balm. Making myself a mixed CD was an activity that I was able to do without any thoughts one way or the other. Allowing me moments of pause. If you know music than you understand that a pause can make it all sweeter. Pausing now and again is such a blessing.

 

I'm also getting some flyers in my inbox for relationship rescue. While that's not going to happen here I'm finding them to be a huge blessing. I was living a dream. My eyes are gently being pried open by this flyer. (My eyes are being slammed opened plenty too). Here is the advice,

 

1. Don't focus or talk about your problems with your spouse. Focus on love. Find a neutral topic and don't stray from it. This is relationship building.

 

2. Find a way to touch that is very very simple. Very non sexual. The same way you'd touch a child...but don't be condescending. This is to recognize how distant you've become. When you're with a child you adore you can't help but reach out and touch them. It's a form of loving that we've all but lost. While I'm not reaching out and touching Mike, HELL NO, I'm realizing I need to say less to my kids and sneak more hugs.

 

3. Give. Give. Give. Giving is an attitude of abundance. Giving gets you out of a poverty mindset and into a "how can I love on you today" attitude. Expect your returns from God. Obedience is always rewarded by God. So...Love one another. This one is easier than it sounds. When you're at the fridge, offer to get everyone a drink. When you're getting up from the table surprise whoever's doing the dishes by taking that task for the night. Get the idea? This giving is for you more than for them. Not all that crazy.

 

I'm doing these things with my relationships not because I'm trying to change my course but because I understand that this is awesome advice for any relationship. When I'm struggling with my teenagers in a few years this advice will still be exactly right.

 

So I'm standing in line for the Tower of Terror. I'm terrified but I have a feeling I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

 

 

You want me to do WHAT?!?

My kids are crazy. I like them exactly that way. On Sunday they got silly sunglasses with mustaches attached. It's freaking hilarious. Strangers stop to compliment them on their fine mustaches or to let me know I let the kids out the house without a good shave. It's been awesome.
Who knew all you need to have fans is a mustache?
Magnum PI suddenly makes perfect sense.

Along with their fine mustaches they end up schooling me more than I teach them. Today after taking Katie to her new middle school we were overtaken by a heavy rain storm. Tyler was sitting in the front seat of the car and immediately piped up with, "Cool, we've got front row seats."
Being all serious and Mommy like I instantly went contemplative and thought, "Dude, how right you are."
Not a moment later, "The clouds must be having an emotional outbreak but look you can see the Sun, it will be okay." I heard, Son...like God....and kinda wondered about God's mysterious ways. Just in case I was getting to weirded out Tyler then added, "Or Angels are peeing on us."

Oh, did you snort your coffee? Yeah I almost went off the road. Oops. My kids are very entertaining.
I truly am blessed beyond measure.

Now, as I share more today, please keep in mind that I'm fragile. All human and filled with soft gooey bits. I need you all to just let me share without comments from the peanut gallery.

For all the crap and garbage that I've discovered. For all that we'll be going through still, I still love my husband. It's not a switch you can just turn off. I've spent 14 years building this marriage and just like Rome not being built in a day neither was my life.

It still looks like I'm getting a divorce but I really don't know one way or the other if I want one. I know I don't plan on standing for shenanigans. I know that I will protect my kids whatever the personal cost to me. But here is the kicker, I don't have to know one way or another and I have a certain freedom there that allows me to forgive.

God isn't asking me to fight for my marriage, He's asking to Fight on my behalf.
God isn't asking me "What do you want", He's asking me to let Him carry me through to a better way.

God is asking for my complete obedience without a lick of understanding.

I'm sure that thinking things through and letting time give me perspective work but that's not this game. When Jesus stretched out his hand to Paul to walk beside him on the water, Paul didn't get a chance to "think about it, go slow, give it time". Paul had to obey or not walk with Jesus.
Sinking was a very real option. Drowning extremely likely.

In order for me to grow as a human being I've been asked to shine God's light into my soul and identify my weaknesses. I have a huge need to talk, communicate, make others ears bleed. It's something I've always tried to put a positive spin on but quite frankly over talking is one of the fastest and easiest ways to get in deep doo doo.
I also seem to collect toxic relationships. I've got boundaries issues. I want and crave to be liked so much at times I'm no better than New Jersey's mascot Snookey. Selling her dignity for fame.
And I like to do things my way.
EXACTLY my way. (I like all my soup cans to face forward and they are in catagories based on usage) (Oh and my closet is organized by color...My shrink has told me its a control issue...a coping mechanism for damaged people...duh) (I also habitually close closet doors but that's a very long story)(have I mentioned I like over sharing?)

So of course, God would be asking me to do it His way.

God would also use my weakness to communicate. I'm extremely humbled by the responses to my blog but I've also worried that it's truly going to take a miracle for any huge changes. Airing all my dirty laundry isn't helping my case with Mike. Mike prefers to keep his private life, private. In other words, none of your business.
I have to be obedient and right now I feel that is sharing my flaws in a blog.

I do see how it actually has protected me a great deal. Sharing has led to others reaching out and comforting me, educating me, and letting God speak to me. Awesome.
It's come with back lash as well. Many well meaning pieces of advice that I have no intentions of following.
(Like when I was pregnant, a lady at the grocery store told me to be careful about bathing because water could enter my belly button and drown the baby. I kid you not, she was dead serious.) (I'm keeping a list of awesome divorce advice as well....bwahaha)

Today, God's way for my life entails, blogging, taking the kids to school, calling my new apartment complex, a pedicure, and laundry. I'm not allowed to understand or make decisions. I'm just supposed to obey. Oh and I'm supposed to remember to pick up the kids after school....hm....
 

Yeah, I love a good sports car.

I'm a huge fan of cartoons. No surprises there I'm sure. I also love analogies. In order to wrap my head around things, put things in perspective and just handle everything I've used silly analogies.

My favorite is that I'm a Ferrari.
Never doubt that I'm red.
I am amazing. Plush, sleek, fun and oh so good to the driver. Sure Ferrari's have their faults but not many Ferrari owners complain. In fact, truthfully, most people don't aim that high.
Most people are extremely happy with a Toyota or Honda. I'm personally a huge Honda fan. Reliability and all.
I started thinking that I was a Ferrari when Tyler was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This humorous thought was a coping mechanism for me. I would tell myself that I was simply being thrown in high gear and wasn't used to it but was taking the corners beautifully. I was made by God for speed and high performance.

I'm discovering that not only had I been letting the wrong person drive (me) I've also been looking at trials the wrong way. I needed to remember my analogy. That I was a Ferrari, built for speed and high performance.

I'm kinda showing alot of wear these days but it doesn't change my intrinsic value. Even in a junk yard a Ferrari is worth more than a Ugo. (spelling? you know the dumpy little car I'm talking about)
You can throw a Ferrari away but that doesn't change the fact that the right set of eyes will know exactly what they are looking at.

I also delight in playfully naming my friends and family. Katie is of course a red Ferrari like her mom. Tyler is perhaps a Range Rover? Or Muscle Car? Something all boy but built for a rough time. After all this kid is amazing and no one would ever know the trauma he has had to endure. (FUCK TUMORS).

I'm thinking KIA, fits Mike. Cute and likable enough on the outside but that's it.
You can see how this is fun, yes?

I'm getting alot of loving advice to slow down. It's not really possible. I've gone as slow as I can. The trigger was pulled and not by me. I'm simply letting God back in the drivers seat and letting him teach me how I was built for speed. Built for Higher Performance. I'm going to learn again how the right driver takes corners with precision.

 

The begining of the end.

Mike and I sat down tonight and I told him what I'd learned from Legal Assistance on Friday.

It's pathetic really. Divorce is so easy that they have a packet you can download and fill out all by yourself. Then you file and wait. A whopping 18-30 days. That's it.

14 years of marriage, dissolved.

I'm reeling.

While I'm just crying over spilt milk here I keep thinking that if I'd just known before the affair....

Ugh.

We had a good talk. We were friendly and stayed on topic. Topics I'd prepared, cried over, prayed over and given to God. It was horribly civil.

 
So that's that. We start filling out our internet packet tomorrow. The kids will start public school and I start a crash course in Real Estate next week. I'll finish the Real Estate course by Oct 8th. The grandparents are going to visit, hug on the kids and then we move. Right now it's looking like our official move date is mid-October but I will need to call for housing first.

I'm officially getting a divorce.

I'm packing the kids, favorite toys, Christmas ornament and photos. That's it. We're starting over. It's terrifying and yet I see a bright future on the horizon.





 

I'm a giant freaking ninny.

Turn from sin.
Flee from sin.
Sure, duh.

As I've read this in the past I thought turning from sin was more of a...turn off the TV kinda thing. I've seen fleeing from evil like a silly cartoon where you're chased by a big dog.
In every situation I thought I wasn't in sin but just looking at the possibility of sinning and walking away.
Turning off the tv can be tough but it isn't painful. Not walking into a dark alley, creepy bar, seems like a good idea.

I'm learning something new here. This time I'm being asked to flee from sin. Not as an act of running away because I'm scared but as a physical distance from sin. This time I wasn't on the outside looking in but rather in too deep and totally invested.

This time it is painful. Like being asked to chop off your own arm painful. However, like that movie (that I refuse to watch) about the hiker that does indeed chop off his own arm to live, I too must do this to live. When that movie came out (still never gonna watch it) I wondered if I would have the strength of mind, character, etc to do whatever it takes to live. I guess I do. Or rather, I'm a giant freaking ninny, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I dreamed last night about my marriage. Good time and bad times feeling neutral but watching as I was sinking into the depths of the ocean with my eyes closed. Then at the last moment my eyes were opened and I was in so deep I literally woke up gasping for air. Awake in bed my dream finished. I saw myself struggling to do whatever it took to swim to the top and take a deep breath of air. On top of the waves I discovered a life vest and my kids. We headed towards an island of waving people happy to see us.

I just took it in. Shook my head, went and made coffee.

I then sat down to my morning bible study. A new study I started yesterday on retaining God's character during tough times. And read this,
"As you reflect back on the journey you've been on, how is God working in your heart and the lives of others to move out into new waters of faith and service for HIS glory?"
I got chills.

I will never doubt that this divorce wasn't exactly part of God's plan for my life. I'm not expecting to ever understand and I'm OK with that.

Quantum Physics has a silly little problem that scientists are always struggling with. Did this thing exist before we started looking for it or did it appear because we were looking for it?  Quacks the lot of them. These are the same people who are charging in with "facts" that God is just a good feeling you get from your frontal lobe. Sure.

The Bible says to Seek God and you WILL FIND HIM. God didn't just appear because I needed him. He's been actively seeking my heart. Now that's a love story! I'm so delighted to discover the daily treats He's got in store for me.
I said earlier that perhaps I didn't understand love. My heart has known more that it ever let on. I'm so glad that I've gotten out of my head and been given another chance to lead with my heart.

 

Learning Hate.

I knew someday I'd have to teach my children how to hate but I thought it was far off. Perhaps once they'd started dating. Never today.

Today Tyler snuggled up next to me on the couch and said, "I hate her mom. I want her to die."

Oh, sweetheart.

Our first lesson on hate had begun without me noticing.

"Tyler, no. You can't hate her. You can hate cheating. You can hate sin but you can't hate her."

"But Mom, she's terrible. She took Daddy."

"No, she's human. Sin is terrible and Daddy made a choice to sin."

"Can I hate Dad?"

This was a delicate dance that will require many more conversations. I wish I could just tell Tyler and have complete instant understanding but that's never gonna happen. I called Katie to join us.

Today we talked about hate.

Hate is powerful and can protect. When you hate innocent people being hurt, hate lying, and hate cheating you are standing for Love, Protection and Honesty. People sin though and do these things to us all the time. We are never to hate people. This is an interesting idea to the kids. They were highly interested that I was encouraging them to hate. To hate on purpose. That hating protects. This was something they'd never hear about or thought about.

Until this week hate was how you treated vegatables, showers and bedtime. It wasn't an issue about hating people. We'd learned about hateful people and to steer clear of them but this was diferent.

Learning how to HATE what their Daddy has done to them while not hating Dad.... Well, it's going to take direct intervetion from the Holy Spirit to understand.

I also told them that when you HATE the wrong way it's like peeing in the pool. Hating the wrong way is a poison to you and everyone around you. Hating people is destructive and destroys. It's weak and not God's plan. But that even God hates.

Proverbs 6:16-19

"Here are six things God hates, and

one more that he loathes with a passion:

eyes that are arrogant,

a tongue that lies,

hands that murder the innocent,

a heart that hatches evil plots,

feet that race down a wicked track,

a mouth that lies under oath,

a troublemaker in the family."

God hates. We are supposed to hate. Hating wrong causes pain and destroys peoples lives. Hating right means always lovingly, kindly, treating the person but being very immovable about what is wrong. It means being honest and assertive becaues you hate lies and sneakiness.

It means behaving with dignity because you hate and refuse to manipulate.

Hating God's way is constructive. Hating sin but loving the sinner allows you to stand against sin and still forgive the person.

Take a stand against dishonesty, abuse, disrespect, control, oppression. Hate them. When you dont' you lower the standards in your life. Just like water dribbles down to the lowest spot on the ground, if you allow mistreatment, then people who mistreat others will find you and give you what you tolerate.

Never tolerate sin.

Proverbs 6:32

"Adultery is a brainless act, soul-destroying, self-destructive; Expect a bloody nose, a black eye, and a reputaion ruined for good." The Message

"A man who takes part in adultery has no sense; he will destroy himself." NIV

Poor Mike. He's currently a brainless troublemaker in the family. Destroying himself but we are still called to love him. We are to hate adultery, cheating, lying, troublemaking but never Mike.

You try telling this to the troublemakers son. I hope Tyler is even able to listen. I hate what sin is doing to us. I hate seeing that look of pain on my childrens faces but this isn't ever going away.

If you know someone who is struggling in their marrage please share my blog with them so they can better count the cost of divorce. The price is so very high.

I'm counting the cost of my actions each and every day. I'm both honored and saddened to teach my children about sin. They are better understanding their personal salvation in a way that most 9 and 12 year olds don't have to face.

We're going to lean in and learn from our problems. We just learned that problems can be dealt with in three ways.

1. Change yourself. ( If your neighbor is noisy can you just ignore it? Work on your attitude?)

2. Change your enviroment simply. ( Would moving to another room solve it? Can you wear headphones to drown them out?)

3. Remove the problem or yourself. ( Can you move apartments? Can you go outside? Can you ask them to turn it down?)

However I'm not sure this applies this time.

I've learned that you just don't tolerate sin. If the person involved can't help but continue to sin than you have to remove yourself from them. You don't just sit by and watch. You flee from evil.

If you watch some murder an innocent and do nothing you are an assessory.

Because I told Tyler and Katie that hating wrong was like peeing in the pool they figured out that it was something people do but don't admit to. They are sharp kids. I agree that far too often even Christians think we have to tolerate everything to love the sinner. Or they end up hating the Sinner just as much as the Sin.

Oh man is this a hard hard lesson to teach your kids. I've never been so personally violated and struggled so hard to hate properly.

I'm not entirely sure I like that Jesus died on the cross to save people from such behaviour. I kinda don't mind sinners burning in hell. That is until I remember that there is no sin scale and I'm kinda totally a sinner...For all have sinned.....bummer.

I'd much rather have taught my kids how to make a cake.