Whales and Secret Agents.

When obeying God expect your direction to change, constantly.
I was thinking He'd make my path clear but at the moment I feel more like a kid being hung over a dumpster while some punk feels me up for loose change.
I'm currently out of loose change.

Yesterday I was experiencing alot of fear because basically GOD said...You need to stay in New Jersey. I've spent the last two days moping due to this.

I read Jonah. You remember the dude that got eaten by a whale when he didn't go in the direction God had planned? Yeah, that Jonah. Keep reading and Jonah gets mad that God is showing mercy. I can totally relate. I both want to see mercy and realize that we are all undeserving sinners and I was totally getting my panties in a wad over it.

God didn't give me any enlightenment on the situation until I just accepted that God is allowed to show Mercy to sinners. Which is good, cause we all are.

So...no guacamole and margaritas yet. My BBQ tank must remain low. I swear half my problems are do to a BBQ, maragarita deficiency but I'm staying in New Jesery.

Something was really bothering me about this. Alot of somethings. I was feeling like I wasn't going to get the distance I needed to regroup. To replensih myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It was then God reminded me of

Galations 6:7

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."(NIV)

"Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others -ignoring God!- harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's spirit do the growth work in him, harvest a crop of real life, eternal life."

 

Ah...that's better. Thanks Lord. Now before you think that I'm just saying Mike isn't recieving mercy and I'm happy about that let me share what this message laid on my heart means to me.

I'm going to add a few more verses to the mix, Matt7:6 says to guard your treasures, which is myself, my heart, my children and their hearts. I'm also to guard my marriage.

Proverbs 4:23, again with the NIV,

 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

 

So I posted, Warning I'm dropping the FBomb, that I had some news/information and I didn't share what it was. Well, here it is, I needed a year and a lawyer before proceeding. I don't want to make life changing decisions while emotionally distressed. I didn't want to make live changing decisions without expert advice. This is part of guarding my treasures.

I had been whining that I felt this was all completely out of my control and my good friend Jo promptly told me I was being silly and needed to take back my control in the situation. I love good friend Jo.

 

Oh, I still pulled plenty of triggers. I'm not sitting on my laurels here. For a smart girl, this is making me feel slow. I'm learning here. I've known for a long time, just because you can doesn't mean you should. I've just always thought that about fashion.

 

So a man reaps what he sows and I need to guard my treasures. Basically Mike is getting an apartment so that he can reap what he's sown while I stay in the house guarding the treasures. This is not unloving but very loving. Although, yes it means basically Mike is getting the boot.

 

We've come to an understanding about some issues. I've drawn some lines in the sand. The one I like the best is about the kids. I've told him that he is welcome to be with us, to join us but only as a parent, not as a playmate. Far too often I've seen Dads turn into 9year olds with no boudaries when it comes to visitations. NO NO NO. Part of protecting my heart and protecting my kids is facing reality. The reality is Mike is a grown man who needs to get his act together. If he was an abusive drunk (he's not) then I would have all kinds of guards in place before he came near the children. I would most definately kick his butt to the curb until he's gotten his life back under control. So since this is more of a self-control issue I can recognize that my heart needs to see him being responsible. I can't make Mike do anything but I did ask and he has agreed. When we do play it will be as a family after the chores are done. Teaching the kids that you work first then play. An appropriate reality to teach now.

 

Moving right along.

 

So while I'm not physically moving anymore I am separating myself from danger and putting limits on sin. I've forgiven Mike but I've also got my guard up. I will not be jumping back into the frying pan here. I'm going to "sow" seeds of protection for my heart and for the kids. I'm going to reap, protection. In the meantime Mike has "sown" self destruction and I understand that means we have to separate if I'm to protect.

 

I asked the kids the other day what would happen if I they got in trouble. They immediately started sharing my creative punishment methods with me, "make us cut weeds with scissors", "send us to our rooms", "no video games or tv", "grounding", "pay a fine", "lose a toy", "spanking" - which earned a, "oh really", from me as they've been far to big to spank for years now. I must stop here to thank pinterest for sharing a list with me on creative punishments that fit the crime. I do so enjoy other slightly devious parents.

 

I digress.

 

Basically we discussed that Mike has made a terrible mistake...mistakes...and is now grounded. He will be living without us because we love him. Not because we wish him ill. I talked about how sometimes its hard to punish a child because they look so dang cute in timeout that you want to let them off the hook. Tyler proceeded to practice the dang cute look.

I'm not saying I'm Mike's parent or that I'm punishing him. Not at all! I'm protecting and guarding. God is the one who will take over from there. I was however, in the spirit of protecting, using this as a teachable moment so the kids would understand how to look at this separation. It would be irresponsible to let them come to their own conclusions.

 

Tyler would probably decide Mike is a secret agent on a super secret mission to save to the world. He's grip on reality needs some fine tuning. Katie is a preteen and could go either way on this. She could let all the fairy tales stored in her heart die a miserable dramatic death or she could see him as an exhiled prince. Or perhaps I'm selling her short. She does seem to completely understand that an affair is sexual and about more than sex. She is more perceptive that she lets on.

 

So we're moving forward. There is a shimmer of hope on the horizon but we are a very very long way off from this being over. In fact, I'm discovering that the hardest parts are probably yet to come.

 

 

 

 



Oooh...let the battle begin.

So I'm guessing many of you have seen Mike's FB post.
Oh the changes a day can bring.

Let me first start with, I'm still leaving for Boerne, TX as planned.

So while I find the details very interesting, you only get the overview. Yesterday, I'd decided that I wasn't filing now and I needed a lawyer. I don't understand the law well enough to do right by the kids. I also felt I needed a year of health insurance to help my establishment in Texas. I was going to mull over the details of this and confront Mike later but the opportunity came late afternoon. So I, told him he was going to be on the line for a year. I'd only had two weeks to process this and I wanted space and perspective. blah blah blah....

At the begining of yesterday I had hunted down Mike's command to report him. I was thinking about HATING RIGHT. I was feeling that I was allowing shennanigans by not following the rules. I didn't want to ruin Mike just get him an ass-whopping. I was good with the thought that the girlfriend would be hunted down and fired. That Mike would be put under a microscope like a bug and possibly held for mental health evaluations.

I told him as much that afternoon.

I'm really stuggling to not just skip to the end of a the story. I'm finding it insanely hard to get the details out in an understandable order. Ugh. I'm also horrible at telling joke. Sure I'm funny but jokes...I start laughing before I've finished the set up. Then I tell the punchline before the set up is complete enough for the punchline to even make since. All while laughing like a lunatic. At least I'm still entertaining. I'm such a giver.

Back to yesterday.

I've mentioned before that when my heart flips I'm offered up a verse. Well about an hour after I bragged to my friend that I'd reported my husband my heart offered up this. "Love your enemies. Do good to those who hurt you." Ah man. Then I was treated to, "Do not enjoy the suffering of your enemies because I can turn it back to you." (that's my translation...it's in proverbs but I couldn't put my finger on it this morning)

Dear God, I thought because I was whining that I've been such an awesome wife that you were going to let me be part of the ass kicking party. Just a small role but I thought it was a gift. I'm not so sure I like being convicted that I need to love and forgive more. I'd really prefer the role of glorious....oh...that's your role...my bad. I'll work on the whole love and forgive. Yeah, nice talk. Yes..I love you too. Yeah, I get that was my spankin. A tiny spankin that lets me know I'm getting frisky. Ok...

My heart was torn between ripping Mike a new one and the lessons God's laying on my heart. I'm God's favorite and all so I'm obeying HIM in everything. Which isn't as confusing as it might sound.
I still got to yell and for drama I threw a temper tantrum and hopped up and down. Which was extremely satisfying due to being on the second floor and having the whole house shake.
Then we got down to talking. We ended up having dinner and still talking.

Yeah, basically, we suck at talking. We've both been listening this time. Concessions have been made. The Divorce is officially off the table til October 2013. We will be living apart during that time. Mike has broken off his other relationship and given me transparency over his accounts, emails, phone, skype, etc... His post was how we'd decided he'd let me know he'd broken it off with Bobbi. I'm thinking he needs more transparency in his life.

I'm still moving to Boerne. I'm still going to live it up and have a blast on his dime. I will answer the phone when he calls.

I'm not sure I made it clear enough that while I'd love him to be my husband he's got to be completely changed. I'm not touching him with a ten foot pole in his current condition. His separation from God is so huge it's like a living shimmering thing. His life is going to suck until he figures this out.

In the meantime my heart is hidden in the Lord. God's totally got this.
So the details of everything and nothing have changed.
I'm good with that because I know exactly what I'm supposed to do.
No if ands or butts.
It's like a superpower knowing this clearly the path I'm supposed to walk.
You can know that in your life too.
I'll bet you can guess what it is? TOTAL OBEDIENCE TO GOD. FOR EVERYTHING.
Super easy...but you have to die to self.....

Make no mistake, this is war. There are casualties and drama. News reels reporting half truths and hearsy. Not this news reel of course....

Interestingly enough the other day I was telling a friend that when God sends you to war it's just like when the ARMY sends you. You get equipted with exactly what you're gonna need. God is way more prepared for this battle, never doubt HE's got your gear down. The Army isn't stupid enough to send a guy out to war in his pj's. How much more awesome is God than the Army?

Warning I'm dropping the F-Bomb!

Last night was rough. I spent most of the day whining at God. Oh and swearing up a blue streak. Just a warning....FUCK...is my new favorite word.
I've decided it's a healthy way for me to express. Plus I'm pretty sure God would have put the Fbomb in the bible if they'd been using it way back when. The bible was written to meet us where we are and people are often guilty of waiting until they are complete fucked before they read HIS word.

So you've been warned.

I'm a fucking Rock Star. I've whined that I've been an amazing Wive! I've not just done a great job but I've had a rough ride and am still awesome. I read Proverbs 31...whining more at God. I feel whining at God is also encouraged FYI. Shoot God added the enitre book of Lamentations to the Bible and what is Lamentations but old school for the book of bitching.

God has held my hand and let me yell Fuck to my hearts content. I went to bed pissed. I rolled over in the night whining at God more. Then at about 3am I just couldn't sleep and started up again. I swear I heard God chuckling at me.

Let me skip ahead to my morning bible study's verses. You're gonna like this.
Ecclesiastes 2:24-26 the message

"The best you can do with your life is have a good time and get the best you can. The way I see it, that's it - divine fate. Whether we feast of fast, it's up to God. God may give wisdome and knowledge and joy to his favorites, but sinners are assigned a life of hard labor, and end up turning their wages over to God's favoriets. Nothing but smoke - and spitting into the wind."

 

Hee hee....I have a bumper sticker that reads, "JESUS LOVE YOU, but I'm His Favorite." Yeah baby. You heard it here....I'm His Favorite.

 

So last night while wrestling with my sheets, turning the air blue, and pouting I asked for wisdom. I went so far as to quote God's words back at him. (James, if any one asked for wisdom God will give it). Then I braced myself. Then I got sick and went to the bathroom. (I do after all call my blog TMI)

God let it rip.

 

The knot in my stomach has been replaced with fire. Goody. I was reminded that I have been obedient and that I plan on continuing to be obedient. I don't have a choice as far as I see it. I've been granted wisdom and I understand what matters, people. Everything else is just stuff.

 

I'm not going to spill the beans on everything God has let me in on right now. Let's just stick with I've been filled with fire. Just in case I need to inform certain parties before I spill the news.

 

I'm been given clarity on how to take responsibility for my own actions. On how to best protect my family. I'm really really excited to move to Boerne TX and get my party on with my family. I'm going to enjoy margaritas and possibly go back to school to finish my bachelor's while selling real estate part time. I'm going to have a good time and bask in the LOVE offered to God's favorites.

 

And I'm gonna say FUCK alot more often. Hee hee.....

The Tower of Terror.

Bwahahaha Welcome to the Tower of Terror! A haunted hotel that was abandoned years ago. Come inside, if you dare.

Dude, this is totally a ride at Disney.

I was trying to explain to my daughter why I was crying about filling out paperwork and looking at Christmas ornaments.  I told her that I'm terrified but it's the same kind of terrified you get when you're standing in line at a new roller coaster. Your hands get sweaty, your nerves stretched. You look around at all the laughing people and think, "Don't they realize we're all gonna die?" A look crosses your face. Some poor stranger, leans over and says, "First time? I can tell. You're gonna love it." You wonder if the survivors are all brain damaged and give him a week smile. You're daughter walks off saying you talk too much but that she knows you love roller coasters so what's the big deal.

I'm starting to suspect Katie likes calling me on crap. This will make for an interesting bunch of teen years.

So I'm moving forward. Like I had an option not too, really. First there's Monday, then Tuesday, now Wednesday....Nobody consulted me on this.

This week is gonna be horrible. I'm going to get through it because I'm hidden in God but I'm still walking through fire here.
Romans 12:2 today's verse from my app...

"Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you

fit into it without even thinking.

Instead, fix your attention on God.

You'll be changed from the inside out.

Readily recognize what he wants from you,

and quickly respond to it."

 

Verses that God laid on my heart last Thursday. The first part was to offer the everyday parts of my life to him. I've been doing that because, like I said before, it's easy to give what you haven't a clue to do about.

 

I've also been reminded to get my blinders on. To look neither right or left but focus solely on God. I'm not exactly getting that right all day long. I'll start the day just fine. Coffee, biblestudy app, feel encouraged, don the armour of God.....get slammed with naughty pictures left for me to find....take a nap because I just can do nothing else....start over with more coffee and more biblestudy apps...

My days are starting to feel like weeks.

 

To change my focus, I'm going to flip this around now. I'm going to share with you not the pain in my heart or how I'm still bleeding but let's count some blessings.

 

I have memorized gobs of verses. Its an amazing gift from my parents. As a kids I was tasked with memorizing a verse a day...for like 10+ years. Now as my heart flips, a new verse rises to the top like a spiritual magic 8 ball. Way better of course because the word of God is useful and fills the heart and soul. I'm surrounded in God's word. I always internally add, the word - is God - God is Love, I'm surrounded in Love. Exactly what a bleeding heart needs most.

 

I'm hugely gifted with music. Listening to the right song at the right time is a balm. Making myself a mixed CD was an activity that I was able to do without any thoughts one way or the other. Allowing me moments of pause. If you know music than you understand that a pause can make it all sweeter. Pausing now and again is such a blessing.

 

I'm also getting some flyers in my inbox for relationship rescue. While that's not going to happen here I'm finding them to be a huge blessing. I was living a dream. My eyes are gently being pried open by this flyer. (My eyes are being slammed opened plenty too). Here is the advice,

 

1. Don't focus or talk about your problems with your spouse. Focus on love. Find a neutral topic and don't stray from it. This is relationship building.

 

2. Find a way to touch that is very very simple. Very non sexual. The same way you'd touch a child...but don't be condescending. This is to recognize how distant you've become. When you're with a child you adore you can't help but reach out and touch them. It's a form of loving that we've all but lost. While I'm not reaching out and touching Mike, HELL NO, I'm realizing I need to say less to my kids and sneak more hugs.

 

3. Give. Give. Give. Giving is an attitude of abundance. Giving gets you out of a poverty mindset and into a "how can I love on you today" attitude. Expect your returns from God. Obedience is always rewarded by God. So...Love one another. This one is easier than it sounds. When you're at the fridge, offer to get everyone a drink. When you're getting up from the table surprise whoever's doing the dishes by taking that task for the night. Get the idea? This giving is for you more than for them. Not all that crazy.

 

I'm doing these things with my relationships not because I'm trying to change my course but because I understand that this is awesome advice for any relationship. When I'm struggling with my teenagers in a few years this advice will still be exactly right.

 

So I'm standing in line for the Tower of Terror. I'm terrified but I have a feeling I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

 

 

You want me to do WHAT?!?

My kids are crazy. I like them exactly that way. On Sunday they got silly sunglasses with mustaches attached. It's freaking hilarious. Strangers stop to compliment them on their fine mustaches or to let me know I let the kids out the house without a good shave. It's been awesome.
Who knew all you need to have fans is a mustache?
Magnum PI suddenly makes perfect sense.

Along with their fine mustaches they end up schooling me more than I teach them. Today after taking Katie to her new middle school we were overtaken by a heavy rain storm. Tyler was sitting in the front seat of the car and immediately piped up with, "Cool, we've got front row seats."
Being all serious and Mommy like I instantly went contemplative and thought, "Dude, how right you are."
Not a moment later, "The clouds must be having an emotional outbreak but look you can see the Sun, it will be okay." I heard, Son...like God....and kinda wondered about God's mysterious ways. Just in case I was getting to weirded out Tyler then added, "Or Angels are peeing on us."

Oh, did you snort your coffee? Yeah I almost went off the road. Oops. My kids are very entertaining.
I truly am blessed beyond measure.

Now, as I share more today, please keep in mind that I'm fragile. All human and filled with soft gooey bits. I need you all to just let me share without comments from the peanut gallery.

For all the crap and garbage that I've discovered. For all that we'll be going through still, I still love my husband. It's not a switch you can just turn off. I've spent 14 years building this marriage and just like Rome not being built in a day neither was my life.

It still looks like I'm getting a divorce but I really don't know one way or the other if I want one. I know I don't plan on standing for shenanigans. I know that I will protect my kids whatever the personal cost to me. But here is the kicker, I don't have to know one way or another and I have a certain freedom there that allows me to forgive.

God isn't asking me to fight for my marriage, He's asking to Fight on my behalf.
God isn't asking me "What do you want", He's asking me to let Him carry me through to a better way.

God is asking for my complete obedience without a lick of understanding.

I'm sure that thinking things through and letting time give me perspective work but that's not this game. When Jesus stretched out his hand to Paul to walk beside him on the water, Paul didn't get a chance to "think about it, go slow, give it time". Paul had to obey or not walk with Jesus.
Sinking was a very real option. Drowning extremely likely.

In order for me to grow as a human being I've been asked to shine God's light into my soul and identify my weaknesses. I have a huge need to talk, communicate, make others ears bleed. It's something I've always tried to put a positive spin on but quite frankly over talking is one of the fastest and easiest ways to get in deep doo doo.
I also seem to collect toxic relationships. I've got boundaries issues. I want and crave to be liked so much at times I'm no better than New Jersey's mascot Snookey. Selling her dignity for fame.
And I like to do things my way.
EXACTLY my way. (I like all my soup cans to face forward and they are in catagories based on usage) (Oh and my closet is organized by color...My shrink has told me its a control issue...a coping mechanism for damaged people...duh) (I also habitually close closet doors but that's a very long story)(have I mentioned I like over sharing?)

So of course, God would be asking me to do it His way.

God would also use my weakness to communicate. I'm extremely humbled by the responses to my blog but I've also worried that it's truly going to take a miracle for any huge changes. Airing all my dirty laundry isn't helping my case with Mike. Mike prefers to keep his private life, private. In other words, none of your business.
I have to be obedient and right now I feel that is sharing my flaws in a blog.

I do see how it actually has protected me a great deal. Sharing has led to others reaching out and comforting me, educating me, and letting God speak to me. Awesome.
It's come with back lash as well. Many well meaning pieces of advice that I have no intentions of following.
(Like when I was pregnant, a lady at the grocery store told me to be careful about bathing because water could enter my belly button and drown the baby. I kid you not, she was dead serious.) (I'm keeping a list of awesome divorce advice as well....bwahaha)

Today, God's way for my life entails, blogging, taking the kids to school, calling my new apartment complex, a pedicure, and laundry. I'm not allowed to understand or make decisions. I'm just supposed to obey. Oh and I'm supposed to remember to pick up the kids after school....hm....
 

Yeah, I love a good sports car.

I'm a huge fan of cartoons. No surprises there I'm sure. I also love analogies. In order to wrap my head around things, put things in perspective and just handle everything I've used silly analogies.

My favorite is that I'm a Ferrari.
Never doubt that I'm red.
I am amazing. Plush, sleek, fun and oh so good to the driver. Sure Ferrari's have their faults but not many Ferrari owners complain. In fact, truthfully, most people don't aim that high.
Most people are extremely happy with a Toyota or Honda. I'm personally a huge Honda fan. Reliability and all.
I started thinking that I was a Ferrari when Tyler was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This humorous thought was a coping mechanism for me. I would tell myself that I was simply being thrown in high gear and wasn't used to it but was taking the corners beautifully. I was made by God for speed and high performance.

I'm discovering that not only had I been letting the wrong person drive (me) I've also been looking at trials the wrong way. I needed to remember my analogy. That I was a Ferrari, built for speed and high performance.

I'm kinda showing alot of wear these days but it doesn't change my intrinsic value. Even in a junk yard a Ferrari is worth more than a Ugo. (spelling? you know the dumpy little car I'm talking about)
You can throw a Ferrari away but that doesn't change the fact that the right set of eyes will know exactly what they are looking at.

I also delight in playfully naming my friends and family. Katie is of course a red Ferrari like her mom. Tyler is perhaps a Range Rover? Or Muscle Car? Something all boy but built for a rough time. After all this kid is amazing and no one would ever know the trauma he has had to endure. (FUCK TUMORS).

I'm thinking KIA, fits Mike. Cute and likable enough on the outside but that's it.
You can see how this is fun, yes?

I'm getting alot of loving advice to slow down. It's not really possible. I've gone as slow as I can. The trigger was pulled and not by me. I'm simply letting God back in the drivers seat and letting him teach me how I was built for speed. Built for Higher Performance. I'm going to learn again how the right driver takes corners with precision.

 

The begining of the end.

Mike and I sat down tonight and I told him what I'd learned from Legal Assistance on Friday.

It's pathetic really. Divorce is so easy that they have a packet you can download and fill out all by yourself. Then you file and wait. A whopping 18-30 days. That's it.

14 years of marriage, dissolved.

I'm reeling.

While I'm just crying over spilt milk here I keep thinking that if I'd just known before the affair....

Ugh.

We had a good talk. We were friendly and stayed on topic. Topics I'd prepared, cried over, prayed over and given to God. It was horribly civil.

 
So that's that. We start filling out our internet packet tomorrow. The kids will start public school and I start a crash course in Real Estate next week. I'll finish the Real Estate course by Oct 8th. The grandparents are going to visit, hug on the kids and then we move. Right now it's looking like our official move date is mid-October but I will need to call for housing first.

I'm officially getting a divorce.

I'm packing the kids, favorite toys, Christmas ornament and photos. That's it. We're starting over. It's terrifying and yet I see a bright future on the horizon.