Apology accepted. Aahh.

Forgiveness is an interesting thing.
It's an action, a verb, an emotion and a thing.

Friday I had two conversations about the need to express emotions.

Katie and I were talking about something and she was repeating back to me words I've used recently. Which is quite frankly the coolest and scariest thing to come out of a child. She was telling me about her day at school and how she got frustrated, I don't recall the details but I do remember her telling me she knew it was okay to feel frustrated but that she needed to take a moment to not express it in an unproductive way. In this case she opted to just walk away. I was super impressed. I'm not sure I would have done the same at her age.

The thought was that emotions are very important and you shouldn't stop them. It's good to cry, feel sad, angry, hurt, happy, joyful, etc... If you don't feel them they back up and clog your system. We joked (and later told Mike to his face) that not feeling makes you spiritually constipated. We've spent the better part of two weeks feeling and learning to feel them in proper ways.

I was expressing fear. Fear that I was just hanging around to with no good reason. Fear that I would be stuck forgiving everyday with no relief in sight. Fear that I was going to get swallowed by a whale. Hey, I never said I was rational.

I realized I was being a dork. I put my blinders back on and let God know that I was more than ready for my apology. I felt much better.

As Friday finished I was realizing that I might never trust Mike again but that it didn't really matter. I trusted God just fine. God's got it and I know it. Knew it. I don't have to fear being a doormat, I trust God. I don't have to worry about trusting Mike, I trust God.
I went to bed with a mild head cold and peace in my heart.

Saturday, Mike worked and I got perhaps the best massage of my life. I swear I felt feeling taller, lighter and perhaps even a bit floaty. What, you've never felt floaty? Neither had I. Best massage ever. I have another booked for the 13th.
Errands were run, kids watched TV and rotted on the couch while I avoided studying. It was a great day.

And Saturday I got the best apology ever.

When I was telling God that I was ready for my apology I started to wonder what a great apology looked like and mentally went straight for Anne of Green Gables. You remember the scene? It's a great bit of story telling. Anne, however is making up a great deal because she has no real clue what she's doing.

I needed more than that. Forgiveness is something we do as Christians not for the other person so much as for ourselves. Forgiving is for us. Repenting is for them. It's a relationship. While you can do one without the other, they are infinitely better together.

I'd started to forgive Mike in many ways but not really. I thought I was forgiving him. I was really trying. I was laying my problems at God's feet and doing what I thought was required for the formula to work.

Oh but I can tell you that a real apology followed by freely given forgiveness is where it is at.

Did I mention it was an awesome apology? It covered everything. Which told me that Mike's been listening. Really listening. It told me that God has been speaking to him and he's been listening to that too.  It freed me. I didn't realize I was still carrying a burden. Now that I'm even more floaty, I know that I was. I was carrying the burden of wondering if I was offering forgiveness when I needed to be walking the other way. I'm glad I stayed.

We're still in separate rooms and will be for a while longer. If nothing else we both have head colds. However, I'm basking in the awesome power of forgiveness. Not something I did but rather a gift from God. I've never thought of forgiveness, an act I perform, as a gift from God. Oh man, is it ever.

Mike is also doing amazingly better. He's coming out from under his fog. He doesn't seem like a stranger but more like the guy I married. We've had a chance to talk and after the APOLOGY, it's been brilliant.

This ordeal was discribed very accuratly as a canyon between us. The act of repenting and forgiving has laid a bridge between us. We've still got to use the bridge but it's a far sight better than it was a week ago. Now there is hope for a bright future. A future without head colds...fingers crossed.




 

If I could just remember......

It's embarrassing the speed at which I can forget what I'm doing.
 I can be up to my elbows in washing dishes, go to the bathroom and then sit down to FB. Only to remember that I was doing the dishes hours later while changing loads of laundry.

For me I know I have to have systems in place to stay focused. I'm guessing no one is surprised I get distracted all the time?

Well yesterday and all last night was no different. I don't know when it happened but I started focusing on all the crap of the last five or so years.

I was remembering all the little stabs and huge hurts. Conversations years old where I remember the topic of conversation was, we are headed for danger, I'm feeling treated like a pal, a roommate.

It was an easy leap from there to, "why am I prolonging this?"

Overall I spent the entire time feeling like I was in a major car accident. Bruised all over. Bleeding from many major wounds. Taking stock and realizing that I'm missing tiny pieces of myself all over. Scars are starting to form and in my mind's eye they were frankenstien worthy bits of ragged heart that barely fit together anymore. Agonizing to use, to feel, to think.

Last night I went to bed wondering how anyone ever heals from such an event. "Is it normal at this point to just die from heart failure?" "Or would I be having a heart attack soon?"
Never doubt my capacity for the dramatic.

I struggled with dreams until 4am. Then I struggled with downright nightmares.

I had gone to bed reading articles on Focus on the Family about infidelity in marriage (for the person about to or committing such acts, not helpful on my end). It highlighted even more just what a lost cause this all seems to be. Making me feel retarded for even trying. Labeling me codependant for staying in the area. Ugh.

What misery.

I got up with my alarm clock and started in with my morning system to help me stay focused. I turn off the alarm then immediately turn on my lamp. If I don't turn on my lamp, I'm going back to sleep. Then usually with my eyes still shut I put my feet on the floor. I can do this without actually getting out of bed.

Eventually I make my way to the coffee pot. I need routines and systems. They add structure to my life. I know that I don't really need coffee, I need the routine. My next routine is one that I'm terrible at but started almost three years ago when I bought my iphone. I have my morning bible study app. Now more than ever I think I need an iphone implant.

Immediately I was admonished for my thinking. I was no better than God's people wandering the desert. Awesome.

Reminded me that you get what your looking for.
Asked, "So what are you focused on?" Hm...I think I've been trying to teach exactly that to my kids. Oops. I'm a knucklehead. I was totally focusing on all the ways we'd flunked Marriage.

I was focusing on all the rotting bits.

Yeah, I'm super awesome.

So I'm putting on my morning blinders. I'm putting my focus back on God.
I have a mission statement, "I want to live a God Centered, God Celebrated, Richly Abundant Loving Life."
It doesn't say a darn thing about my past but rather the path I want to walk each day. It's broad enough to cover all my bases but give me excellent focus. I can hit crossroads and ask myself, which one honors God? and put my feet in that direction.

I know this.

Hey, squirrel.

What was I doing?
I think I'm supposed to be doing the dishes. Or maybe I was eating breakfast....hm.....
 

Guilty.

I'm guilty. I'm very surprised by this to say the least but I am completely and utterly guilty.

Of what you ask?

Why of being surprised when people sin.

 Think about it.

This is kinda stupid. Okay, wait, no kinda, this is stupid. The bible is very clear, FOR ALL HAVE SINNED. So why am I'm constantly surprised?

Is this an attitude I've cultivated as a Christian? Cause that sucks. I'm supposed to be following Christ's example. I don't remember "showing shock" as an example laid out for me. I seem to remember love and forgiveness? Hmm...yes, Love for sure. Wait, definately forgiveness.

Have Christians become so incredibly lost?
How did I get to the point where I was looking to love the sinner not the sin and still acting all shocked when people sinned? I even do it when watching TV. The evening news is always shocking. Duh. We're all sinning.

I was thinking through the concept of  "and you shall know them by their fruits" while looking at my cherry tree. Now it's fall so there aren't any cherries on this tree but I can see it full of cherries. I know what an abundant fruit tree looks like. It's bending from the weight of it's branches and all but tosses fruit at you when you walk by. It smells amazing. A perfume that will settle in your bones and be long remembered. You can't help but never forget the sight, smells, taste and experience of an abundant fruit tree.

Step back from this fruit tree and what do you see? Well unless there are lots of small animals then there is rotting fruit on the ground. The fruit that has fallen doesn't change the fact that the fruit on the tree is still good. It just happens.

Sinning is an unfortunate reality. Happens to the best of us, the worst of us and everyone in between.

So lets look at our days and lift our eyes. Let's stop being surprised by the rotten and start enjoying the beauty of the fruit tree. I'm guessing there are plenty of examples of "fruits", Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Self-Control.

Galations 5:22-23

"But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in a n orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

Yeah, I'm going to start looking for that.

 

Whales and Secret Agents.

When obeying God expect your direction to change, constantly.
I was thinking He'd make my path clear but at the moment I feel more like a kid being hung over a dumpster while some punk feels me up for loose change.
I'm currently out of loose change.

Yesterday I was experiencing alot of fear because basically GOD said...You need to stay in New Jersey. I've spent the last two days moping due to this.

I read Jonah. You remember the dude that got eaten by a whale when he didn't go in the direction God had planned? Yeah, that Jonah. Keep reading and Jonah gets mad that God is showing mercy. I can totally relate. I both want to see mercy and realize that we are all undeserving sinners and I was totally getting my panties in a wad over it.

God didn't give me any enlightenment on the situation until I just accepted that God is allowed to show Mercy to sinners. Which is good, cause we all are.

So...no guacamole and margaritas yet. My BBQ tank must remain low. I swear half my problems are do to a BBQ, maragarita deficiency but I'm staying in New Jesery.

Something was really bothering me about this. Alot of somethings. I was feeling like I wasn't going to get the distance I needed to regroup. To replensih myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It was then God reminded me of

Galations 6:7

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."(NIV)

"Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others -ignoring God!- harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's spirit do the growth work in him, harvest a crop of real life, eternal life."

 

Ah...that's better. Thanks Lord. Now before you think that I'm just saying Mike isn't recieving mercy and I'm happy about that let me share what this message laid on my heart means to me.

I'm going to add a few more verses to the mix, Matt7:6 says to guard your treasures, which is myself, my heart, my children and their hearts. I'm also to guard my marriage.

Proverbs 4:23, again with the NIV,

 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

 

So I posted, Warning I'm dropping the FBomb, that I had some news/information and I didn't share what it was. Well, here it is, I needed a year and a lawyer before proceeding. I don't want to make life changing decisions while emotionally distressed. I didn't want to make live changing decisions without expert advice. This is part of guarding my treasures.

I had been whining that I felt this was all completely out of my control and my good friend Jo promptly told me I was being silly and needed to take back my control in the situation. I love good friend Jo.

 

Oh, I still pulled plenty of triggers. I'm not sitting on my laurels here. For a smart girl, this is making me feel slow. I'm learning here. I've known for a long time, just because you can doesn't mean you should. I've just always thought that about fashion.

 

So a man reaps what he sows and I need to guard my treasures. Basically Mike is getting an apartment so that he can reap what he's sown while I stay in the house guarding the treasures. This is not unloving but very loving. Although, yes it means basically Mike is getting the boot.

 

We've come to an understanding about some issues. I've drawn some lines in the sand. The one I like the best is about the kids. I've told him that he is welcome to be with us, to join us but only as a parent, not as a playmate. Far too often I've seen Dads turn into 9year olds with no boudaries when it comes to visitations. NO NO NO. Part of protecting my heart and protecting my kids is facing reality. The reality is Mike is a grown man who needs to get his act together. If he was an abusive drunk (he's not) then I would have all kinds of guards in place before he came near the children. I would most definately kick his butt to the curb until he's gotten his life back under control. So since this is more of a self-control issue I can recognize that my heart needs to see him being responsible. I can't make Mike do anything but I did ask and he has agreed. When we do play it will be as a family after the chores are done. Teaching the kids that you work first then play. An appropriate reality to teach now.

 

Moving right along.

 

So while I'm not physically moving anymore I am separating myself from danger and putting limits on sin. I've forgiven Mike but I've also got my guard up. I will not be jumping back into the frying pan here. I'm going to "sow" seeds of protection for my heart and for the kids. I'm going to reap, protection. In the meantime Mike has "sown" self destruction and I understand that means we have to separate if I'm to protect.

 

I asked the kids the other day what would happen if I they got in trouble. They immediately started sharing my creative punishment methods with me, "make us cut weeds with scissors", "send us to our rooms", "no video games or tv", "grounding", "pay a fine", "lose a toy", "spanking" - which earned a, "oh really", from me as they've been far to big to spank for years now. I must stop here to thank pinterest for sharing a list with me on creative punishments that fit the crime. I do so enjoy other slightly devious parents.

 

I digress.

 

Basically we discussed that Mike has made a terrible mistake...mistakes...and is now grounded. He will be living without us because we love him. Not because we wish him ill. I talked about how sometimes its hard to punish a child because they look so dang cute in timeout that you want to let them off the hook. Tyler proceeded to practice the dang cute look.

I'm not saying I'm Mike's parent or that I'm punishing him. Not at all! I'm protecting and guarding. God is the one who will take over from there. I was however, in the spirit of protecting, using this as a teachable moment so the kids would understand how to look at this separation. It would be irresponsible to let them come to their own conclusions.

 

Tyler would probably decide Mike is a secret agent on a super secret mission to save to the world. He's grip on reality needs some fine tuning. Katie is a preteen and could go either way on this. She could let all the fairy tales stored in her heart die a miserable dramatic death or she could see him as an exhiled prince. Or perhaps I'm selling her short. She does seem to completely understand that an affair is sexual and about more than sex. She is more perceptive that she lets on.

 

So we're moving forward. There is a shimmer of hope on the horizon but we are a very very long way off from this being over. In fact, I'm discovering that the hardest parts are probably yet to come.

 

 

 

 



Oooh...let the battle begin.

So I'm guessing many of you have seen Mike's FB post.
Oh the changes a day can bring.

Let me first start with, I'm still leaving for Boerne, TX as planned.

So while I find the details very interesting, you only get the overview. Yesterday, I'd decided that I wasn't filing now and I needed a lawyer. I don't understand the law well enough to do right by the kids. I also felt I needed a year of health insurance to help my establishment in Texas. I was going to mull over the details of this and confront Mike later but the opportunity came late afternoon. So I, told him he was going to be on the line for a year. I'd only had two weeks to process this and I wanted space and perspective. blah blah blah....

At the begining of yesterday I had hunted down Mike's command to report him. I was thinking about HATING RIGHT. I was feeling that I was allowing shennanigans by not following the rules. I didn't want to ruin Mike just get him an ass-whopping. I was good with the thought that the girlfriend would be hunted down and fired. That Mike would be put under a microscope like a bug and possibly held for mental health evaluations.

I told him as much that afternoon.

I'm really stuggling to not just skip to the end of a the story. I'm finding it insanely hard to get the details out in an understandable order. Ugh. I'm also horrible at telling joke. Sure I'm funny but jokes...I start laughing before I've finished the set up. Then I tell the punchline before the set up is complete enough for the punchline to even make since. All while laughing like a lunatic. At least I'm still entertaining. I'm such a giver.

Back to yesterday.

I've mentioned before that when my heart flips I'm offered up a verse. Well about an hour after I bragged to my friend that I'd reported my husband my heart offered up this. "Love your enemies. Do good to those who hurt you." Ah man. Then I was treated to, "Do not enjoy the suffering of your enemies because I can turn it back to you." (that's my translation...it's in proverbs but I couldn't put my finger on it this morning)

Dear God, I thought because I was whining that I've been such an awesome wife that you were going to let me be part of the ass kicking party. Just a small role but I thought it was a gift. I'm not so sure I like being convicted that I need to love and forgive more. I'd really prefer the role of glorious....oh...that's your role...my bad. I'll work on the whole love and forgive. Yeah, nice talk. Yes..I love you too. Yeah, I get that was my spankin. A tiny spankin that lets me know I'm getting frisky. Ok...

My heart was torn between ripping Mike a new one and the lessons God's laying on my heart. I'm God's favorite and all so I'm obeying HIM in everything. Which isn't as confusing as it might sound.
I still got to yell and for drama I threw a temper tantrum and hopped up and down. Which was extremely satisfying due to being on the second floor and having the whole house shake.
Then we got down to talking. We ended up having dinner and still talking.

Yeah, basically, we suck at talking. We've both been listening this time. Concessions have been made. The Divorce is officially off the table til October 2013. We will be living apart during that time. Mike has broken off his other relationship and given me transparency over his accounts, emails, phone, skype, etc... His post was how we'd decided he'd let me know he'd broken it off with Bobbi. I'm thinking he needs more transparency in his life.

I'm still moving to Boerne. I'm still going to live it up and have a blast on his dime. I will answer the phone when he calls.

I'm not sure I made it clear enough that while I'd love him to be my husband he's got to be completely changed. I'm not touching him with a ten foot pole in his current condition. His separation from God is so huge it's like a living shimmering thing. His life is going to suck until he figures this out.

In the meantime my heart is hidden in the Lord. God's totally got this.
So the details of everything and nothing have changed.
I'm good with that because I know exactly what I'm supposed to do.
No if ands or butts.
It's like a superpower knowing this clearly the path I'm supposed to walk.
You can know that in your life too.
I'll bet you can guess what it is? TOTAL OBEDIENCE TO GOD. FOR EVERYTHING.
Super easy...but you have to die to self.....

Make no mistake, this is war. There are casualties and drama. News reels reporting half truths and hearsy. Not this news reel of course....

Interestingly enough the other day I was telling a friend that when God sends you to war it's just like when the ARMY sends you. You get equipted with exactly what you're gonna need. God is way more prepared for this battle, never doubt HE's got your gear down. The Army isn't stupid enough to send a guy out to war in his pj's. How much more awesome is God than the Army?

Warning I'm dropping the F-Bomb!

Last night was rough. I spent most of the day whining at God. Oh and swearing up a blue streak. Just a warning....FUCK...is my new favorite word.
I've decided it's a healthy way for me to express. Plus I'm pretty sure God would have put the Fbomb in the bible if they'd been using it way back when. The bible was written to meet us where we are and people are often guilty of waiting until they are complete fucked before they read HIS word.

So you've been warned.

I'm a fucking Rock Star. I've whined that I've been an amazing Wive! I've not just done a great job but I've had a rough ride and am still awesome. I read Proverbs 31...whining more at God. I feel whining at God is also encouraged FYI. Shoot God added the enitre book of Lamentations to the Bible and what is Lamentations but old school for the book of bitching.

God has held my hand and let me yell Fuck to my hearts content. I went to bed pissed. I rolled over in the night whining at God more. Then at about 3am I just couldn't sleep and started up again. I swear I heard God chuckling at me.

Let me skip ahead to my morning bible study's verses. You're gonna like this.
Ecclesiastes 2:24-26 the message

"The best you can do with your life is have a good time and get the best you can. The way I see it, that's it - divine fate. Whether we feast of fast, it's up to God. God may give wisdome and knowledge and joy to his favorites, but sinners are assigned a life of hard labor, and end up turning their wages over to God's favoriets. Nothing but smoke - and spitting into the wind."

 

Hee hee....I have a bumper sticker that reads, "JESUS LOVE YOU, but I'm His Favorite." Yeah baby. You heard it here....I'm His Favorite.

 

So last night while wrestling with my sheets, turning the air blue, and pouting I asked for wisdom. I went so far as to quote God's words back at him. (James, if any one asked for wisdom God will give it). Then I braced myself. Then I got sick and went to the bathroom. (I do after all call my blog TMI)

God let it rip.

 

The knot in my stomach has been replaced with fire. Goody. I was reminded that I have been obedient and that I plan on continuing to be obedient. I don't have a choice as far as I see it. I've been granted wisdom and I understand what matters, people. Everything else is just stuff.

 

I'm not going to spill the beans on everything God has let me in on right now. Let's just stick with I've been filled with fire. Just in case I need to inform certain parties before I spill the news.

 

I'm been given clarity on how to take responsibility for my own actions. On how to best protect my family. I'm really really excited to move to Boerne TX and get my party on with my family. I'm going to enjoy margaritas and possibly go back to school to finish my bachelor's while selling real estate part time. I'm going to have a good time and bask in the LOVE offered to God's favorites.

 

And I'm gonna say FUCK alot more often. Hee hee.....

The Tower of Terror.

Bwahahaha Welcome to the Tower of Terror! A haunted hotel that was abandoned years ago. Come inside, if you dare.

Dude, this is totally a ride at Disney.

I was trying to explain to my daughter why I was crying about filling out paperwork and looking at Christmas ornaments.  I told her that I'm terrified but it's the same kind of terrified you get when you're standing in line at a new roller coaster. Your hands get sweaty, your nerves stretched. You look around at all the laughing people and think, "Don't they realize we're all gonna die?" A look crosses your face. Some poor stranger, leans over and says, "First time? I can tell. You're gonna love it." You wonder if the survivors are all brain damaged and give him a week smile. You're daughter walks off saying you talk too much but that she knows you love roller coasters so what's the big deal.

I'm starting to suspect Katie likes calling me on crap. This will make for an interesting bunch of teen years.

So I'm moving forward. Like I had an option not too, really. First there's Monday, then Tuesday, now Wednesday....Nobody consulted me on this.

This week is gonna be horrible. I'm going to get through it because I'm hidden in God but I'm still walking through fire here.
Romans 12:2 today's verse from my app...

"Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you

fit into it without even thinking.

Instead, fix your attention on God.

You'll be changed from the inside out.

Readily recognize what he wants from you,

and quickly respond to it."

 

Verses that God laid on my heart last Thursday. The first part was to offer the everyday parts of my life to him. I've been doing that because, like I said before, it's easy to give what you haven't a clue to do about.

 

I've also been reminded to get my blinders on. To look neither right or left but focus solely on God. I'm not exactly getting that right all day long. I'll start the day just fine. Coffee, biblestudy app, feel encouraged, don the armour of God.....get slammed with naughty pictures left for me to find....take a nap because I just can do nothing else....start over with more coffee and more biblestudy apps...

My days are starting to feel like weeks.

 

To change my focus, I'm going to flip this around now. I'm going to share with you not the pain in my heart or how I'm still bleeding but let's count some blessings.

 

I have memorized gobs of verses. Its an amazing gift from my parents. As a kids I was tasked with memorizing a verse a day...for like 10+ years. Now as my heart flips, a new verse rises to the top like a spiritual magic 8 ball. Way better of course because the word of God is useful and fills the heart and soul. I'm surrounded in God's word. I always internally add, the word - is God - God is Love, I'm surrounded in Love. Exactly what a bleeding heart needs most.

 

I'm hugely gifted with music. Listening to the right song at the right time is a balm. Making myself a mixed CD was an activity that I was able to do without any thoughts one way or the other. Allowing me moments of pause. If you know music than you understand that a pause can make it all sweeter. Pausing now and again is such a blessing.

 

I'm also getting some flyers in my inbox for relationship rescue. While that's not going to happen here I'm finding them to be a huge blessing. I was living a dream. My eyes are gently being pried open by this flyer. (My eyes are being slammed opened plenty too). Here is the advice,

 

1. Don't focus or talk about your problems with your spouse. Focus on love. Find a neutral topic and don't stray from it. This is relationship building.

 

2. Find a way to touch that is very very simple. Very non sexual. The same way you'd touch a child...but don't be condescending. This is to recognize how distant you've become. When you're with a child you adore you can't help but reach out and touch them. It's a form of loving that we've all but lost. While I'm not reaching out and touching Mike, HELL NO, I'm realizing I need to say less to my kids and sneak more hugs.

 

3. Give. Give. Give. Giving is an attitude of abundance. Giving gets you out of a poverty mindset and into a "how can I love on you today" attitude. Expect your returns from God. Obedience is always rewarded by God. So...Love one another. This one is easier than it sounds. When you're at the fridge, offer to get everyone a drink. When you're getting up from the table surprise whoever's doing the dishes by taking that task for the night. Get the idea? This giving is for you more than for them. Not all that crazy.

 

I'm doing these things with my relationships not because I'm trying to change my course but because I understand that this is awesome advice for any relationship. When I'm struggling with my teenagers in a few years this advice will still be exactly right.

 

So I'm standing in line for the Tower of Terror. I'm terrified but I have a feeling I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.