Beware...Target is dangerous.

Yesterday at Target I saw a red scarf.
 It was like hearing a siren's song. I was drawn to it.
Long, with a sheen that just begged to be touched. I couldn't help myself, I walked right over and touched it.
 Looking around I realized it was out of place so I started up the isles looking for where it was supposed to be.
Turning the corner I saw them. A rainbow of gorgeous scarves all silky soft and singing out their siren's song.
 I didn't dare walk towards them.
I turned and muttered to myself, I thought quietly but apparently not, "Just get one, you don't need five scarves, you only have one neck."
At the end of the isle next to my kids was a nice lady trying on sunglasses. She glanced up at my muttering, raised an eyebrow and said, "Come on Momma, you gotta take care of yourself."

I smiled and said something stupid and disjointed about maybe coming back later and getting them as stocking stuffers. Or maybe I was saying that I was going to let the kids get them for me?

At that moment Mike came up behind me and mentioned I was slurring like a drunk again. Ugh.

In my defense I try to take care of myself. After eight or so years of making it my new year's goal I'm proud to announce that once or twice now I've left the house in "clean clothes without holes or stains".  I've started to think I stain them in the washing machine but that's neither here nor there.

I've managed to remember to wear make-up most days and I brush my teeth after my morning coffee and before bed. I've figured out how to get a shower in everyday should I so choose. This has not always been an option.

I feel rather pulled together. Sorta.

In July (a month that feels infamous now...) I got word from my Dr. that I was no longer testing as a diabetic. That while my morning numbers were high, overall my AIC for the last two years has been completely non-diabetic. As of right now I've been without meds since May. Apparently not eating ice cream, cookies, chips, and candy plus regular walking are all I need to be... not diabetic.

So what did I turn to for comfort in my hour of need? An extra walk? nope. More potato soup, with bacon sprinkles. I haven't gained weight but I'm feeling convicted about too many white starches. White starches tend to taste best with bacon or butter.....sometimes both. I truly know better but this has led to poor sleeping habits, extra trips to the bathroom and my current favorite, slurred speech.

Oops.

Momma needs to take care of herself. Figures I'd be faced with this during October, November, and December. Ironically I don't like most Halloween candy but skittles and starburst are my weakness. I kinda passionately hate turkey, dressing, stuffing, cranberries, gravy..... I mean has anyone else seen that the consistancy of gravy is like a runny nose? I know I have problems. Since I'm a huge fan of green beans, onions, carrots and potato, well and pie, I like to think no one has noticed I hate Thanksgiving food. But December......just shoot me. I love it all.

Chocolate covered cherries, yeah baby. I love the cheap ones at Walmart and the liquor soaked ones....drool....and the Godiva ones.... I love candy canes, hot chocolate, all the fancy little show off desserts people labor over. I think my pants just got snug thinking about it.

So I decided that instead of my twice a month massages I should use that money for a personal trainer. Ten minutes later I realized that a better idea would be to act God what to do and then follow that advice.

I wasn't feeling convicted to give up my massages. I was feeling convicted to find a massage therapist that doesn't leave brusies.

I just kinda feel an overwhelming need to go for a walk.  Then at church the pastor related Christians's to runners THREE times. So I'm starting couch to 5k....again.  This time I'm getting the kids to join me. They could stand to get more exercise.

I feel very positive about this. Unlike trying to convince myself to do one of my 30 or so exercise videos, that I love, I'll be exercising my children. They need increased stamina and are looking pale even for them.

Why is it so easy to take care of my kids but so damn hard to give myself the same attention?

So....today's bossy message from me to you - get off your butt! Take care of yourself this holiday season! You know what needs to be done.

We'll compare notes in January. I look forward to it.
 

Christian's Gone Wild.

My pastor, trying to make Corinthians relateable said that it could be described as, "Christian's Gone Wild". I was really trying to listen but had to take a moment to picture this in all it's glory.
I giggled.

I really do go to the right church. All that's happened to me in the last few months has made me truly understand, "hunger and thirst after His righteousness". I'm waking up each morning like a love sick teen. I've cracked open my daily bible study before I've had my coffee. Now that's love.

Each week I'm eager to hear God's word from the pulpit. More eager than for a new release - in theater's now. Again, this is quite a change for me. Don't get me wrong I've enjoyed church a great deal as an adult but now I've got to have it! I need Jesus like a fix and I'm not going to rehab....(hummed a bit of Amy Winehouse thinking about this...)

Exciting changes are taking place. What surprises me the most are the changes in me. Not just because I'm ignoring the scale either. I've had to answer some huge questions that establish who I am and what I believe.

I've said for years that forgiveness is for you not them. Recently I've had to put this into practice. I've learned that forgiveness is so much more. It's not just turning the other cheek but taking the blow. Absorbing it. Accepting the cost as worth the price. Jesus did this for us. He took on our sins. He paid. I'm walking this now. It's interesting.

I've learned that I'm not capable of this kind of forgiveness but that Christ through me is. Interestingly the moment of whether or not to forgive had me thinking, "If our roles were reversed and I'd hurt someone I love, how would I want to be treated?" I would want to be worth the price to them. Regardless of our past, betting on our future, I believe Mike is worth the price. I honestly thought that an affair was a deal killer. I've learned forgiveness. I feel like I should get to level up for this. Gold stars? Power points?

Secondly I've learned that God tells me who I am. Not my job, not my car (a sweet ride for sure), not my friends, not my status as a wife and mother. God has something in His heart for me. An amazing plan.

Third, I'm learning about being broken. The analogy of a pot being shattered so that God can start over and rework it come to mind. I'm not broken in a bad way. This event was the break that put God back into sharp focus. I'm not ready to thank God that my husband had an affair but crazy enough I can already see how I'm a better person in just a few short months. I'm not tooting my own horn here, I'm tooting God's. He's worked me over and the results are looking fantastic.

So back to Corinthian's Gone Wild.
Still picturing this in my head, while giggling.

1 Corinthians 1:4-6

 Every time I think of you - and I think of you  often! -

I thank God for your lives of free and open access to God, given by Jesus.

There's no end to what has happened in you - it's beyond speech, beyond knowledge.

The evidence of Christ has been clearly verified in your lives.

 

7-9 Just think - you don't need a thing, you've got it all!

 All God's gifts are right in front of you as you wait expectantly

 for our Master Jesus to arrive on the scene for the Finale.

And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you stead

 and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus.

 God who got you started in this spiritual adventure,

shares with us the life of His Son and our Master Jesus.

He will never give up on you.

Never forget that.

I love this. I love knowing that I have all I need. That God's right alongside me to keep me steady. Way better than having Superman or Hulk. I've got God. Sweet, right?

Thing is, this passage was written for those who are sanctified. Which is a fancy way of saying, made Holy, Set apart by God. If you've accepted Christ as your Savior and you're redeemed....then that means you.

This interests me. Sanctified also means removed from sin. Like a yolk separated from the white. I've had some interesting thoughts on this.
Would you agree that to be forgiven by Christ means you are redeemed or saved?
Would you agree that to be redeemed is to be sanctified?

Then why are Christians, who are set apart, fighting God's awesome plans for them. What are Christians thinking? Not trusting God. Recklessly developing themselves without God's input. Then going so far as to say, "it's just the way they are made?"

Are you or aren't you Redeemed? Are you or aren't you Saved?

The series is called, "Let it be said of us."
Our Pastor was gently telling us that Christians who are redeemed and set apart don't blend in. Christians are supposed to STAND OUT. That our first obstacle is to be different.

I've been different for many years so I didn't see this as an issue. I'm learning that being a Christian is alot like standing out like a sore thumb less like a fashion faux paux.
Contrary to traditional advice when I discovered my husband's affair I didn't keep this information to myself. It quickly spread like wildfire. You all know. Not a fashion faux paux.

Traditional advice says to protect each other by holding your tongue about family secrets.
I'm discovering that God's way in my case was different. He wanted my dirty laundry to be aired.
His way seems crazy mysterious but I've got to tell you there has been a ton of perks. Yes, perks of telling the world my marriage is in trouble.

Gobs of people praying for my marriage and family.
Accountability for me and for my husband. You try misbehaving when you are telling people you are a Christian trying to be obedient to God.
Love. Lots of love. People reaching out to me and loving on me. Many of them did this southern style...with food. I wouldn't have been hugged or prayed for nearly as much if I hadn't said anything.

I still haven't figured out why the pastor called those Corinthian's Christians Gone Wild. If I'd been able to listen after that I'm sure he said why. However, I want it to be said of me, that I'm obedient, I love Jesus like he's an addiction I can't get enough of and that if you've ever asked who STOOD OUT as a Christian to you - you think of me. I'm Redeemed.

And as a bonus update on my saga....Mike had shoulder surgery. He's in a sling for a total of six weeks. Which means he can't drive or tie his own shoes. He's using this opportunity to show me and tell me he loves me. He's basically underfoot 24/7 and it's a good thing. I like being adored, appreciated, and helped. It doesn't hurt that trust doesn't have to be an issue...the poor man can't tie his own shoes...he is completely at my mercy....bwahahaha....I'm still feeding him.
 

It's not the end of the World....

It's been almost a month since I've blogged. What a rollercoaster! If it's not one thing than it's another.

First Tyler, he's been throwing up again. To skip to the good news, it's not a brain tumor issue. Yay. On the downside that means we have no idea what it is. However, it's extremely awesome to hear from the Neurosurgeon that his brain is healing beautifully and shows no sign of any problems. Tyler has been down graded to a yearly MRI.  Woot Woot.

Of course, that still leaves us with his weekly vomiting,only in the mornings,poor to terrible school performance and all that jazz. Good times.

I was waiting to say anything about Tyler because I wanted to get our MRI results from the Dr. first. Normally we get a quick turn around but this time we had two weeks. Then I call Grandma and friends to update them. No point in worrying needlessly.

While we were in a holding pattern Mike and I were doing good. Mike is/was getting better daily. Still lots of bumps in the road but I could see that he really did want to make things work again.
Lots of little things that added up to being treated well and not taken forgranted. Like taking out the trash without being asked. I spilled wax from a scentsy warmer and was too busy to take care of it. Later I caught him scraping it up. While this is just a little thing this is also HUGE. Mike has never seemed to even notice all the little things around him let alone clean up. This thrilled me enormously! Having another adult who takes responsiblily for our surroundings is heavenly.

Which brings me to "expectations". I've been thinking alot about what to expect from myself, from Mike, from God....I found Ephesians 5:25-28.

"Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives,

 exactly as Christ did for the church - a love marked by giving, not getting.

 Christ's love make the church whole.

His words evoke her beauty.

Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her,

dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.

And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.

They're really doing themselves a favor - since they're already "one" in marriage. "

 

I've got to say I love that and just in case I missed it a few of my friends on FB posted that verse the same day. God really wanted my attention. Well God, you have it. As I started mulling on what it would be like to be loved like that.....we got a terrible phone call.

 

Mike's Mom was in the hospital. Long story short, she's with Jesus now. It was sudden and we miss her terribly. However, it's interesting too. I've found myself slightly jealous that she's with Jesus. As I talk about this with the kids, Tyler had the best analogy. "It's like she's on the best Disney Cruise ever but there's no phone reception. Someday we'll get to join her but til then she gets to have all the fun without us." Ok.

 

Gayle was the best Mother-in-Law. She was an amazing woman and I'm glad that we got to be there in the end. Being a military family, one of our biggest fears is not being there when family needs us. God provided. It's crazy but we only had luggage because I was preparing to walk out the door less than a month ago. Mike had given me the money I needed to move to Texas and gotten a new credit card (for his new life plans) giving us access to plenty of funds to fly to California with no notice. Everything we thought we were doing for something else ended up preparing us to be able to go Gayle for her passing and memorial. All plans made by God. I'm in awe.

 

It totally brings to life Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you...." He knew.

 

Which brings us to FrankenStorm. Yeah, we got back home to Jersey after the memorial to discover that the world was mad. Crazy. Bonkers. About to be hit by a hurricane. Nuts. The grocery store had already been picked over. No batteries, flashlights, bottled water....We did manage to get plenty of great supplies but it was interesting. 

 

Hurricane Sandy came and left. It rained and poured. The wind blew. We had TV and popcorn. Just looking at our house you'd think nothing special had happened. It was kinda a bummer that schools were closed but the kids didn't mind. Gave us extra time to get over jet lag.

 

Others were not so lucky. Even a block away people were without power for days. Downed trees, damaged power lines, junk that flew in. Good fun.

 

Now we take a deep breath and prepare for a Nor'easter. Which I'd never heard of. Apparently it's a storm that goes West to East. Whatever. They are expecting it to get cold and windy. Not a big deal until you realize that we've used up all our emergency resources and are waiting for stuff on back order. Power goes out now and we might be without for days. Well, it's never dull around here.

 

Did I mention that Mike had surgery yesterday? End of July Mike injured his shoulder. The same day I sent him an email telling him that his treatment of me was awful and I wanted an appology or he needed to find a hotel, before he told me he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, he texted me he'd hurt himself and was at the ER. It was a bad day all round. I was mad at him. He was tired, overworked and now sitting in an ER waiting to find out what he'd done. They thought at the time he'd torn his shoulder muscle.

 

After seeing a specialist he discovered it was the kind of injury that never heals and needs surgery. He got that yesterday. Once they opened him up they discovered it was a split tendon. They put in a plastic pin to anchor his muscle back in place. Ouch. He's going to be in a sling for a month while scar tissue forms and creates more anchors for the muscle and tendon. Double ouch. No driving while this happens....interesting.

 

So what does this last month say about us? Well.....on the one hand our relationship feels like it did before but feels completely diferent at the same time. We'd started sharing a room again a week before we'd heard about his Mom. Which made life easier when we were in CA because we didn't need separate sleeping arrangements. Of course, he'll be in a recliner for a while which puts us back to separate rooms for a while. It feels like two steps forward ten steps back some days.

 

Any intimancy we may be recovering is challenged immediately. A nauseating rollercoaster to be sure. I believe that like Mike's shoulder we are on our way to recovering. After all, it's not the end of the world. It's just a brain tumor, funeral, surgery, Hurricane, Nor'easter kind of month. However, my highlights still look good and we all know that with good hair everything is easier.

 

 



 

Secret Formula for Success.....Revealed!

Read a few self-help or finance/business books and you'll run across the formula for success, "Be, Do, Have".  This has not made any sense to me for years.
If I'm dirt poor I should just Be rich? Then I'm supposed to Do Rich? Because that's how I'll have Riches?
 Hmm...So I'm picking up the phone and ordering one of everything on QVC.
Nope, I'm not rich.
But I just believed it in my heart, acted on it and reaped ...... debt.

I've tried applying it in other ways.
To the same confused results.
I'd argue that I believed! I acted on my belief! What was I doing wrong?
I want to be successful. I am successful in so many ways! So why not ALL WAYS?
 Be, Do, Broke has felt more believable.

I can't tell you how many years I've chewed on this thought of Be, Do, Have.
I think I was 16? the first time it crossed my path. This magical formula for success.

Thankfully God designed our brains like super computers and my brain has been collecting information for years. Storing this information so that I can access it when it's time.

Usually I feel like I'm being smacked with a 2x4 when I have an "Ah HA" moment but this time it snuck up on me. I get it.

It makes so much sense all of a sudden I feel mildly embarrassed it too me so long.

So....I started a new BibleStudy Group on Tuesday. Running my finger over the list of options my inner brat did cartwheels and clapped when I saw "Bad Girls of the Bible" on the list. I totally picked that one!

First day we jumped right into infidelity. Ouch.

Potiphar's Wife. You know that giant hussy who wanted some bed play with Joseph? I had a hard time feeling it from the hussy's point of view. Go figure. Although I didn't have a hard time imagining what a stud muffin Joseph might have looked like. I'm still human after all.

Moving right along. As we got to the end of the lesson we were asked to evaluate our lives and see what things in our life were stumbling blocks. "How can we fill our idle time (if we have any!) with appropriate thoughts? Are there specific things you need to avoid, such as R-rated movies? Internet temptations? Steamy novels? Make a list, then make a commitment to steer clear of those things that appeal to your flesh at the risk of your spiritual growth."

I'll tell you, this question bothered me. I hated it. Felt like it was all wrong. They stuck one of my all time favorite verses here.
Philippians 4:8
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
The book then used the words, "Philippians encourages us to replace.." I'll stop there. I figured out what my problem is. This very isn't about removing it's about doing. Hm...

I asked Tyler to swap over the laundry.
Did I find dry clothes today?
nope.
Why? Because he didn't turn on the dryer.
Hm....another cause and effect that is so simple it's ridiculous.

This verse isn't asking us to search our homes and life for bad stuff to remove. It is imploring us to search GOOD. I get this. I've been mentioning that you get what you're looking for. You find what you are seeking. Whatever you concentrate on grows.
Ah...This is the BE.
Are you looking for the bad or concentrating on the good?
Einstein used a coin to describe this. Forgive me for repeating myself, I love this example. Put a coin in your hand. Only one side can face up at a time. Just like only one thought can be held in your mind at a time. Turn the coin over....it's like you changed your mind.
One side is good.
One side is bad.

These days I get filling myself with everything that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable. I'm not wasting my time trying to remove crap. I'm focusing on awesome. Sure my life's stats kinda suck these days but I'm filled with peace and love. My heart is being guarded by God. I don't have a better reason for why I'm smiling everyday. I laugh without fear of my future. I'm focusing on God.

I think I've figured out BE DO HAVE.
Your brain is like a super computer.
Be is the program. The platform from which all functions are run. If you don't have software what good is the hardware?
From that software program is DO.
Your DOing is just an expression of your software. It can only DO what was programed.
HAVE is simply the results.

God expressed it in His word as reaping what we sow.
He has instructed us time and time again that our entire focus needs to be HIM.

I see plenty around me still struggling with this. It strikes me as being as simple as telling Tyler to start the dryer or it won't work. Tyler was being obedient and doing what I'd asked. Tyler wasn't trying to get it wrong. It was silly mostly. Nothing to get upset over. However, it's frustrating to keep checking the dryer expecting dry clothes....when it was never started in the first place.

My Biblestudy has an answer for that too.
Romans 5:6-8 (Message)
"Christ arrives right on time to make this happen, He didn't and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented Himself for this sacrificial death when we were far to weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have know what to do anyway."
 skipping down
 "But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him."

In the same way I just chuckled at how useless it was to get Tyler to help with the laundry, and reached out and started the dryer God reaches out and puts us right.

God is so awesome He's just asking for us to focus on Him. To BE in love with HIM. To Be 100% focused on HIM. He's got all the rest.

Because I've been focusing my everything on GOD I've been doing what comes naturally. I've not been worried about tomorrow. Barely had time to give it a thought while singing along with BarlowGirl on Pandora. I'm too busy loving my Saviour to give a rip.

I'm liking this formula for success.

I'm so blessed God thought I was worth it.

The secret of course, is that you are totally worth it too!

 

What's your native language?

So inbetween coughing, popping cough drops and studying real estate I've been mulling on Love.

I know I've got the book, Love Languages....I remember stealing it from Kerri....I can even remember that it's got a hot pink cover. That doesn't mean I've gotten up and found it.

I think the five love languages are: touch, acts of service, words of encouragment, time, and gifts. I briefly remember telling Mike he needs to work on loving me with all of them. In a less bratty moment I realized that's not fair. Sure I'm the wounded one but I'm not the only one. I don't get to forgive and have a monopoly on healing. Bummer.

So I've noticed Mike has been trying. I've seen acts of service and I'm grateful but I'm realizing that it's not my love language. I got to asking myself, "if I could only have one expression of love which one makes me feel cherished?" I love acts of service. I think it's what adults should do but I don't feel cherished just because the dishwasher got loaded.

I love spending time with my kids but it's not enough for either of us. Just spending quality time together isn't my cherished point. I do love spending quality time with the family but I don't think it's anyone's cherish point at my house. I'm not sure about Mike but the rest of us are definately touch.

If we could only have one love language we love hugs. Funny because outside of the house we aren't big on getting hugs from everyone else. At home we are constantly touching each other. When I started to pay attention to it I had to laugh. We're sharing germs at the speed of light. Tyler comes home from school and starts in on his sister immediately. Pretends she's not in the room and sits on her. Or other sillyiness. Katie is just as touchy feely. Gets her touch on by getting in the way, sitting on us, teasing us into tickling her. We are major snugglers. As I type this Tyler is squished between Mike and I on a loveseat. Space is overrated.

The other top love language at my house is encouraging words. Funny. I'm the queen of sarcasm. Way to rock the love. Thankfully Katie and Tyler are also fluent native speakers of sarcasm. Mike, not so much. Don't get me wrong, he's good but not a native speaker. We'll continue to work him over.

I've noticed Mike has been trying to encourage us verbally. It's interesting because while I never mind hearing marvelous things about myself I don't need them to feel loved. In fact I have a very hard time not making fun of encouraging words unless they are spoken in my native tongue, sarcasm.

One more learning curve we're navigating. Those of you who are loved and cherished through words of encouragement are probably cringing thinking about this. Poor Mike has felt unloved and under cherished because we love a backhanded compliment and prefer hugs. Worse, we've laughed at his attempts to shower us in lavish praise. Oops.

We're learning. Apparently we're a tad slow at this house but we're trying.
I love hearing about how God loves us lavishly and abundantly. I want to know all about this good loving.

Oh and gifts. I want to learn more about gifts. Growing up I learned that gifts come with strings attached and I learned how to reject gifts. Not a good thing. I'm having to relearn this whole gift thing as an adult. I've figured out I love love love giving gifts. I love hunting for things that will be perfect for the person I want to give to. Plus I've gotten some marvelous gifts in the last few years that make me all warm and fuzzy inside.

My girlfriends got me a bottle of wine with a naughty name....speaking my language. Another friend got me a starbucks mug (or two) and I favor it now. It makes me smile everytime I use my mug, which is daily when my dishwasher gets loaded properly.

I'm glad God isn't limited and can love me in every way. I can't wait to see how He loves on me today. While I'm looking for it I'll try to say something encouraging to Mike...in English. I'm a bit rusty with English.

Apology accepted. Aahh.

Forgiveness is an interesting thing.
It's an action, a verb, an emotion and a thing.

Friday I had two conversations about the need to express emotions.

Katie and I were talking about something and she was repeating back to me words I've used recently. Which is quite frankly the coolest and scariest thing to come out of a child. She was telling me about her day at school and how she got frustrated, I don't recall the details but I do remember her telling me she knew it was okay to feel frustrated but that she needed to take a moment to not express it in an unproductive way. In this case she opted to just walk away. I was super impressed. I'm not sure I would have done the same at her age.

The thought was that emotions are very important and you shouldn't stop them. It's good to cry, feel sad, angry, hurt, happy, joyful, etc... If you don't feel them they back up and clog your system. We joked (and later told Mike to his face) that not feeling makes you spiritually constipated. We've spent the better part of two weeks feeling and learning to feel them in proper ways.

I was expressing fear. Fear that I was just hanging around to with no good reason. Fear that I would be stuck forgiving everyday with no relief in sight. Fear that I was going to get swallowed by a whale. Hey, I never said I was rational.

I realized I was being a dork. I put my blinders back on and let God know that I was more than ready for my apology. I felt much better.

As Friday finished I was realizing that I might never trust Mike again but that it didn't really matter. I trusted God just fine. God's got it and I know it. Knew it. I don't have to fear being a doormat, I trust God. I don't have to worry about trusting Mike, I trust God.
I went to bed with a mild head cold and peace in my heart.

Saturday, Mike worked and I got perhaps the best massage of my life. I swear I felt feeling taller, lighter and perhaps even a bit floaty. What, you've never felt floaty? Neither had I. Best massage ever. I have another booked for the 13th.
Errands were run, kids watched TV and rotted on the couch while I avoided studying. It was a great day.

And Saturday I got the best apology ever.

When I was telling God that I was ready for my apology I started to wonder what a great apology looked like and mentally went straight for Anne of Green Gables. You remember the scene? It's a great bit of story telling. Anne, however is making up a great deal because she has no real clue what she's doing.

I needed more than that. Forgiveness is something we do as Christians not for the other person so much as for ourselves. Forgiving is for us. Repenting is for them. It's a relationship. While you can do one without the other, they are infinitely better together.

I'd started to forgive Mike in many ways but not really. I thought I was forgiving him. I was really trying. I was laying my problems at God's feet and doing what I thought was required for the formula to work.

Oh but I can tell you that a real apology followed by freely given forgiveness is where it is at.

Did I mention it was an awesome apology? It covered everything. Which told me that Mike's been listening. Really listening. It told me that God has been speaking to him and he's been listening to that too.  It freed me. I didn't realize I was still carrying a burden. Now that I'm even more floaty, I know that I was. I was carrying the burden of wondering if I was offering forgiveness when I needed to be walking the other way. I'm glad I stayed.

We're still in separate rooms and will be for a while longer. If nothing else we both have head colds. However, I'm basking in the awesome power of forgiveness. Not something I did but rather a gift from God. I've never thought of forgiveness, an act I perform, as a gift from God. Oh man, is it ever.

Mike is also doing amazingly better. He's coming out from under his fog. He doesn't seem like a stranger but more like the guy I married. We've had a chance to talk and after the APOLOGY, it's been brilliant.

This ordeal was discribed very accuratly as a canyon between us. The act of repenting and forgiving has laid a bridge between us. We've still got to use the bridge but it's a far sight better than it was a week ago. Now there is hope for a bright future. A future without head colds...fingers crossed.




 

If I could just remember......

It's embarrassing the speed at which I can forget what I'm doing.
 I can be up to my elbows in washing dishes, go to the bathroom and then sit down to FB. Only to remember that I was doing the dishes hours later while changing loads of laundry.

For me I know I have to have systems in place to stay focused. I'm guessing no one is surprised I get distracted all the time?

Well yesterday and all last night was no different. I don't know when it happened but I started focusing on all the crap of the last five or so years.

I was remembering all the little stabs and huge hurts. Conversations years old where I remember the topic of conversation was, we are headed for danger, I'm feeling treated like a pal, a roommate.

It was an easy leap from there to, "why am I prolonging this?"

Overall I spent the entire time feeling like I was in a major car accident. Bruised all over. Bleeding from many major wounds. Taking stock and realizing that I'm missing tiny pieces of myself all over. Scars are starting to form and in my mind's eye they were frankenstien worthy bits of ragged heart that barely fit together anymore. Agonizing to use, to feel, to think.

Last night I went to bed wondering how anyone ever heals from such an event. "Is it normal at this point to just die from heart failure?" "Or would I be having a heart attack soon?"
Never doubt my capacity for the dramatic.

I struggled with dreams until 4am. Then I struggled with downright nightmares.

I had gone to bed reading articles on Focus on the Family about infidelity in marriage (for the person about to or committing such acts, not helpful on my end). It highlighted even more just what a lost cause this all seems to be. Making me feel retarded for even trying. Labeling me codependant for staying in the area. Ugh.

What misery.

I got up with my alarm clock and started in with my morning system to help me stay focused. I turn off the alarm then immediately turn on my lamp. If I don't turn on my lamp, I'm going back to sleep. Then usually with my eyes still shut I put my feet on the floor. I can do this without actually getting out of bed.

Eventually I make my way to the coffee pot. I need routines and systems. They add structure to my life. I know that I don't really need coffee, I need the routine. My next routine is one that I'm terrible at but started almost three years ago when I bought my iphone. I have my morning bible study app. Now more than ever I think I need an iphone implant.

Immediately I was admonished for my thinking. I was no better than God's people wandering the desert. Awesome.

Reminded me that you get what your looking for.
Asked, "So what are you focused on?" Hm...I think I've been trying to teach exactly that to my kids. Oops. I'm a knucklehead. I was totally focusing on all the ways we'd flunked Marriage.

I was focusing on all the rotting bits.

Yeah, I'm super awesome.

So I'm putting on my morning blinders. I'm putting my focus back on God.
I have a mission statement, "I want to live a God Centered, God Celebrated, Richly Abundant Loving Life."
It doesn't say a darn thing about my past but rather the path I want to walk each day. It's broad enough to cover all my bases but give me excellent focus. I can hit crossroads and ask myself, which one honors God? and put my feet in that direction.

I know this.

Hey, squirrel.

What was I doing?
I think I'm supposed to be doing the dishes. Or maybe I was eating breakfast....hm.....