It's not the end of the World....

It's been almost a month since I've blogged. What a rollercoaster! If it's not one thing than it's another.

First Tyler, he's been throwing up again. To skip to the good news, it's not a brain tumor issue. Yay. On the downside that means we have no idea what it is. However, it's extremely awesome to hear from the Neurosurgeon that his brain is healing beautifully and shows no sign of any problems. Tyler has been down graded to a yearly MRI.  Woot Woot.

Of course, that still leaves us with his weekly vomiting,only in the mornings,poor to terrible school performance and all that jazz. Good times.

I was waiting to say anything about Tyler because I wanted to get our MRI results from the Dr. first. Normally we get a quick turn around but this time we had two weeks. Then I call Grandma and friends to update them. No point in worrying needlessly.

While we were in a holding pattern Mike and I were doing good. Mike is/was getting better daily. Still lots of bumps in the road but I could see that he really did want to make things work again.
Lots of little things that added up to being treated well and not taken forgranted. Like taking out the trash without being asked. I spilled wax from a scentsy warmer and was too busy to take care of it. Later I caught him scraping it up. While this is just a little thing this is also HUGE. Mike has never seemed to even notice all the little things around him let alone clean up. This thrilled me enormously! Having another adult who takes responsiblily for our surroundings is heavenly.

Which brings me to "expectations". I've been thinking alot about what to expect from myself, from Mike, from God....I found Ephesians 5:25-28.

"Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives,

 exactly as Christ did for the church - a love marked by giving, not getting.

 Christ's love make the church whole.

His words evoke her beauty.

Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her,

dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.

And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.

They're really doing themselves a favor - since they're already "one" in marriage. "

 

I've got to say I love that and just in case I missed it a few of my friends on FB posted that verse the same day. God really wanted my attention. Well God, you have it. As I started mulling on what it would be like to be loved like that.....we got a terrible phone call.

 

Mike's Mom was in the hospital. Long story short, she's with Jesus now. It was sudden and we miss her terribly. However, it's interesting too. I've found myself slightly jealous that she's with Jesus. As I talk about this with the kids, Tyler had the best analogy. "It's like she's on the best Disney Cruise ever but there's no phone reception. Someday we'll get to join her but til then she gets to have all the fun without us." Ok.

 

Gayle was the best Mother-in-Law. She was an amazing woman and I'm glad that we got to be there in the end. Being a military family, one of our biggest fears is not being there when family needs us. God provided. It's crazy but we only had luggage because I was preparing to walk out the door less than a month ago. Mike had given me the money I needed to move to Texas and gotten a new credit card (for his new life plans) giving us access to plenty of funds to fly to California with no notice. Everything we thought we were doing for something else ended up preparing us to be able to go Gayle for her passing and memorial. All plans made by God. I'm in awe.

 

It totally brings to life Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you...." He knew.

 

Which brings us to FrankenStorm. Yeah, we got back home to Jersey after the memorial to discover that the world was mad. Crazy. Bonkers. About to be hit by a hurricane. Nuts. The grocery store had already been picked over. No batteries, flashlights, bottled water....We did manage to get plenty of great supplies but it was interesting. 

 

Hurricane Sandy came and left. It rained and poured. The wind blew. We had TV and popcorn. Just looking at our house you'd think nothing special had happened. It was kinda a bummer that schools were closed but the kids didn't mind. Gave us extra time to get over jet lag.

 

Others were not so lucky. Even a block away people were without power for days. Downed trees, damaged power lines, junk that flew in. Good fun.

 

Now we take a deep breath and prepare for a Nor'easter. Which I'd never heard of. Apparently it's a storm that goes West to East. Whatever. They are expecting it to get cold and windy. Not a big deal until you realize that we've used up all our emergency resources and are waiting for stuff on back order. Power goes out now and we might be without for days. Well, it's never dull around here.

 

Did I mention that Mike had surgery yesterday? End of July Mike injured his shoulder. The same day I sent him an email telling him that his treatment of me was awful and I wanted an appology or he needed to find a hotel, before he told me he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, he texted me he'd hurt himself and was at the ER. It was a bad day all round. I was mad at him. He was tired, overworked and now sitting in an ER waiting to find out what he'd done. They thought at the time he'd torn his shoulder muscle.

 

After seeing a specialist he discovered it was the kind of injury that never heals and needs surgery. He got that yesterday. Once they opened him up they discovered it was a split tendon. They put in a plastic pin to anchor his muscle back in place. Ouch. He's going to be in a sling for a month while scar tissue forms and creates more anchors for the muscle and tendon. Double ouch. No driving while this happens....interesting.

 

So what does this last month say about us? Well.....on the one hand our relationship feels like it did before but feels completely diferent at the same time. We'd started sharing a room again a week before we'd heard about his Mom. Which made life easier when we were in CA because we didn't need separate sleeping arrangements. Of course, he'll be in a recliner for a while which puts us back to separate rooms for a while. It feels like two steps forward ten steps back some days.

 

Any intimancy we may be recovering is challenged immediately. A nauseating rollercoaster to be sure. I believe that like Mike's shoulder we are on our way to recovering. After all, it's not the end of the world. It's just a brain tumor, funeral, surgery, Hurricane, Nor'easter kind of month. However, my highlights still look good and we all know that with good hair everything is easier.

 

 



 

Secret Formula for Success.....Revealed!

Read a few self-help or finance/business books and you'll run across the formula for success, "Be, Do, Have".  This has not made any sense to me for years.
If I'm dirt poor I should just Be rich? Then I'm supposed to Do Rich? Because that's how I'll have Riches?
 Hmm...So I'm picking up the phone and ordering one of everything on QVC.
Nope, I'm not rich.
But I just believed it in my heart, acted on it and reaped ...... debt.

I've tried applying it in other ways.
To the same confused results.
I'd argue that I believed! I acted on my belief! What was I doing wrong?
I want to be successful. I am successful in so many ways! So why not ALL WAYS?
 Be, Do, Broke has felt more believable.

I can't tell you how many years I've chewed on this thought of Be, Do, Have.
I think I was 16? the first time it crossed my path. This magical formula for success.

Thankfully God designed our brains like super computers and my brain has been collecting information for years. Storing this information so that I can access it when it's time.

Usually I feel like I'm being smacked with a 2x4 when I have an "Ah HA" moment but this time it snuck up on me. I get it.

It makes so much sense all of a sudden I feel mildly embarrassed it too me so long.

So....I started a new BibleStudy Group on Tuesday. Running my finger over the list of options my inner brat did cartwheels and clapped when I saw "Bad Girls of the Bible" on the list. I totally picked that one!

First day we jumped right into infidelity. Ouch.

Potiphar's Wife. You know that giant hussy who wanted some bed play with Joseph? I had a hard time feeling it from the hussy's point of view. Go figure. Although I didn't have a hard time imagining what a stud muffin Joseph might have looked like. I'm still human after all.

Moving right along. As we got to the end of the lesson we were asked to evaluate our lives and see what things in our life were stumbling blocks. "How can we fill our idle time (if we have any!) with appropriate thoughts? Are there specific things you need to avoid, such as R-rated movies? Internet temptations? Steamy novels? Make a list, then make a commitment to steer clear of those things that appeal to your flesh at the risk of your spiritual growth."

I'll tell you, this question bothered me. I hated it. Felt like it was all wrong. They stuck one of my all time favorite verses here.
Philippians 4:8
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
The book then used the words, "Philippians encourages us to replace.." I'll stop there. I figured out what my problem is. This very isn't about removing it's about doing. Hm...

I asked Tyler to swap over the laundry.
Did I find dry clothes today?
nope.
Why? Because he didn't turn on the dryer.
Hm....another cause and effect that is so simple it's ridiculous.

This verse isn't asking us to search our homes and life for bad stuff to remove. It is imploring us to search GOOD. I get this. I've been mentioning that you get what you're looking for. You find what you are seeking. Whatever you concentrate on grows.
Ah...This is the BE.
Are you looking for the bad or concentrating on the good?
Einstein used a coin to describe this. Forgive me for repeating myself, I love this example. Put a coin in your hand. Only one side can face up at a time. Just like only one thought can be held in your mind at a time. Turn the coin over....it's like you changed your mind.
One side is good.
One side is bad.

These days I get filling myself with everything that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable. I'm not wasting my time trying to remove crap. I'm focusing on awesome. Sure my life's stats kinda suck these days but I'm filled with peace and love. My heart is being guarded by God. I don't have a better reason for why I'm smiling everyday. I laugh without fear of my future. I'm focusing on God.

I think I've figured out BE DO HAVE.
Your brain is like a super computer.
Be is the program. The platform from which all functions are run. If you don't have software what good is the hardware?
From that software program is DO.
Your DOing is just an expression of your software. It can only DO what was programed.
HAVE is simply the results.

God expressed it in His word as reaping what we sow.
He has instructed us time and time again that our entire focus needs to be HIM.

I see plenty around me still struggling with this. It strikes me as being as simple as telling Tyler to start the dryer or it won't work. Tyler was being obedient and doing what I'd asked. Tyler wasn't trying to get it wrong. It was silly mostly. Nothing to get upset over. However, it's frustrating to keep checking the dryer expecting dry clothes....when it was never started in the first place.

My Biblestudy has an answer for that too.
Romans 5:6-8 (Message)
"Christ arrives right on time to make this happen, He didn't and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented Himself for this sacrificial death when we were far to weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have know what to do anyway."
 skipping down
 "But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him."

In the same way I just chuckled at how useless it was to get Tyler to help with the laundry, and reached out and started the dryer God reaches out and puts us right.

God is so awesome He's just asking for us to focus on Him. To BE in love with HIM. To Be 100% focused on HIM. He's got all the rest.

Because I've been focusing my everything on GOD I've been doing what comes naturally. I've not been worried about tomorrow. Barely had time to give it a thought while singing along with BarlowGirl on Pandora. I'm too busy loving my Saviour to give a rip.

I'm liking this formula for success.

I'm so blessed God thought I was worth it.

The secret of course, is that you are totally worth it too!

 

What's your native language?

So inbetween coughing, popping cough drops and studying real estate I've been mulling on Love.

I know I've got the book, Love Languages....I remember stealing it from Kerri....I can even remember that it's got a hot pink cover. That doesn't mean I've gotten up and found it.

I think the five love languages are: touch, acts of service, words of encouragment, time, and gifts. I briefly remember telling Mike he needs to work on loving me with all of them. In a less bratty moment I realized that's not fair. Sure I'm the wounded one but I'm not the only one. I don't get to forgive and have a monopoly on healing. Bummer.

So I've noticed Mike has been trying. I've seen acts of service and I'm grateful but I'm realizing that it's not my love language. I got to asking myself, "if I could only have one expression of love which one makes me feel cherished?" I love acts of service. I think it's what adults should do but I don't feel cherished just because the dishwasher got loaded.

I love spending time with my kids but it's not enough for either of us. Just spending quality time together isn't my cherished point. I do love spending quality time with the family but I don't think it's anyone's cherish point at my house. I'm not sure about Mike but the rest of us are definately touch.

If we could only have one love language we love hugs. Funny because outside of the house we aren't big on getting hugs from everyone else. At home we are constantly touching each other. When I started to pay attention to it I had to laugh. We're sharing germs at the speed of light. Tyler comes home from school and starts in on his sister immediately. Pretends she's not in the room and sits on her. Or other sillyiness. Katie is just as touchy feely. Gets her touch on by getting in the way, sitting on us, teasing us into tickling her. We are major snugglers. As I type this Tyler is squished between Mike and I on a loveseat. Space is overrated.

The other top love language at my house is encouraging words. Funny. I'm the queen of sarcasm. Way to rock the love. Thankfully Katie and Tyler are also fluent native speakers of sarcasm. Mike, not so much. Don't get me wrong, he's good but not a native speaker. We'll continue to work him over.

I've noticed Mike has been trying to encourage us verbally. It's interesting because while I never mind hearing marvelous things about myself I don't need them to feel loved. In fact I have a very hard time not making fun of encouraging words unless they are spoken in my native tongue, sarcasm.

One more learning curve we're navigating. Those of you who are loved and cherished through words of encouragement are probably cringing thinking about this. Poor Mike has felt unloved and under cherished because we love a backhanded compliment and prefer hugs. Worse, we've laughed at his attempts to shower us in lavish praise. Oops.

We're learning. Apparently we're a tad slow at this house but we're trying.
I love hearing about how God loves us lavishly and abundantly. I want to know all about this good loving.

Oh and gifts. I want to learn more about gifts. Growing up I learned that gifts come with strings attached and I learned how to reject gifts. Not a good thing. I'm having to relearn this whole gift thing as an adult. I've figured out I love love love giving gifts. I love hunting for things that will be perfect for the person I want to give to. Plus I've gotten some marvelous gifts in the last few years that make me all warm and fuzzy inside.

My girlfriends got me a bottle of wine with a naughty name....speaking my language. Another friend got me a starbucks mug (or two) and I favor it now. It makes me smile everytime I use my mug, which is daily when my dishwasher gets loaded properly.

I'm glad God isn't limited and can love me in every way. I can't wait to see how He loves on me today. While I'm looking for it I'll try to say something encouraging to Mike...in English. I'm a bit rusty with English.

Apology accepted. Aahh.

Forgiveness is an interesting thing.
It's an action, a verb, an emotion and a thing.

Friday I had two conversations about the need to express emotions.

Katie and I were talking about something and she was repeating back to me words I've used recently. Which is quite frankly the coolest and scariest thing to come out of a child. She was telling me about her day at school and how she got frustrated, I don't recall the details but I do remember her telling me she knew it was okay to feel frustrated but that she needed to take a moment to not express it in an unproductive way. In this case she opted to just walk away. I was super impressed. I'm not sure I would have done the same at her age.

The thought was that emotions are very important and you shouldn't stop them. It's good to cry, feel sad, angry, hurt, happy, joyful, etc... If you don't feel them they back up and clog your system. We joked (and later told Mike to his face) that not feeling makes you spiritually constipated. We've spent the better part of two weeks feeling and learning to feel them in proper ways.

I was expressing fear. Fear that I was just hanging around to with no good reason. Fear that I would be stuck forgiving everyday with no relief in sight. Fear that I was going to get swallowed by a whale. Hey, I never said I was rational.

I realized I was being a dork. I put my blinders back on and let God know that I was more than ready for my apology. I felt much better.

As Friday finished I was realizing that I might never trust Mike again but that it didn't really matter. I trusted God just fine. God's got it and I know it. Knew it. I don't have to fear being a doormat, I trust God. I don't have to worry about trusting Mike, I trust God.
I went to bed with a mild head cold and peace in my heart.

Saturday, Mike worked and I got perhaps the best massage of my life. I swear I felt feeling taller, lighter and perhaps even a bit floaty. What, you've never felt floaty? Neither had I. Best massage ever. I have another booked for the 13th.
Errands were run, kids watched TV and rotted on the couch while I avoided studying. It was a great day.

And Saturday I got the best apology ever.

When I was telling God that I was ready for my apology I started to wonder what a great apology looked like and mentally went straight for Anne of Green Gables. You remember the scene? It's a great bit of story telling. Anne, however is making up a great deal because she has no real clue what she's doing.

I needed more than that. Forgiveness is something we do as Christians not for the other person so much as for ourselves. Forgiving is for us. Repenting is for them. It's a relationship. While you can do one without the other, they are infinitely better together.

I'd started to forgive Mike in many ways but not really. I thought I was forgiving him. I was really trying. I was laying my problems at God's feet and doing what I thought was required for the formula to work.

Oh but I can tell you that a real apology followed by freely given forgiveness is where it is at.

Did I mention it was an awesome apology? It covered everything. Which told me that Mike's been listening. Really listening. It told me that God has been speaking to him and he's been listening to that too.  It freed me. I didn't realize I was still carrying a burden. Now that I'm even more floaty, I know that I was. I was carrying the burden of wondering if I was offering forgiveness when I needed to be walking the other way. I'm glad I stayed.

We're still in separate rooms and will be for a while longer. If nothing else we both have head colds. However, I'm basking in the awesome power of forgiveness. Not something I did but rather a gift from God. I've never thought of forgiveness, an act I perform, as a gift from God. Oh man, is it ever.

Mike is also doing amazingly better. He's coming out from under his fog. He doesn't seem like a stranger but more like the guy I married. We've had a chance to talk and after the APOLOGY, it's been brilliant.

This ordeal was discribed very accuratly as a canyon between us. The act of repenting and forgiving has laid a bridge between us. We've still got to use the bridge but it's a far sight better than it was a week ago. Now there is hope for a bright future. A future without head colds...fingers crossed.




 

If I could just remember......

It's embarrassing the speed at which I can forget what I'm doing.
 I can be up to my elbows in washing dishes, go to the bathroom and then sit down to FB. Only to remember that I was doing the dishes hours later while changing loads of laundry.

For me I know I have to have systems in place to stay focused. I'm guessing no one is surprised I get distracted all the time?

Well yesterday and all last night was no different. I don't know when it happened but I started focusing on all the crap of the last five or so years.

I was remembering all the little stabs and huge hurts. Conversations years old where I remember the topic of conversation was, we are headed for danger, I'm feeling treated like a pal, a roommate.

It was an easy leap from there to, "why am I prolonging this?"

Overall I spent the entire time feeling like I was in a major car accident. Bruised all over. Bleeding from many major wounds. Taking stock and realizing that I'm missing tiny pieces of myself all over. Scars are starting to form and in my mind's eye they were frankenstien worthy bits of ragged heart that barely fit together anymore. Agonizing to use, to feel, to think.

Last night I went to bed wondering how anyone ever heals from such an event. "Is it normal at this point to just die from heart failure?" "Or would I be having a heart attack soon?"
Never doubt my capacity for the dramatic.

I struggled with dreams until 4am. Then I struggled with downright nightmares.

I had gone to bed reading articles on Focus on the Family about infidelity in marriage (for the person about to or committing such acts, not helpful on my end). It highlighted even more just what a lost cause this all seems to be. Making me feel retarded for even trying. Labeling me codependant for staying in the area. Ugh.

What misery.

I got up with my alarm clock and started in with my morning system to help me stay focused. I turn off the alarm then immediately turn on my lamp. If I don't turn on my lamp, I'm going back to sleep. Then usually with my eyes still shut I put my feet on the floor. I can do this without actually getting out of bed.

Eventually I make my way to the coffee pot. I need routines and systems. They add structure to my life. I know that I don't really need coffee, I need the routine. My next routine is one that I'm terrible at but started almost three years ago when I bought my iphone. I have my morning bible study app. Now more than ever I think I need an iphone implant.

Immediately I was admonished for my thinking. I was no better than God's people wandering the desert. Awesome.

Reminded me that you get what your looking for.
Asked, "So what are you focused on?" Hm...I think I've been trying to teach exactly that to my kids. Oops. I'm a knucklehead. I was totally focusing on all the ways we'd flunked Marriage.

I was focusing on all the rotting bits.

Yeah, I'm super awesome.

So I'm putting on my morning blinders. I'm putting my focus back on God.
I have a mission statement, "I want to live a God Centered, God Celebrated, Richly Abundant Loving Life."
It doesn't say a darn thing about my past but rather the path I want to walk each day. It's broad enough to cover all my bases but give me excellent focus. I can hit crossroads and ask myself, which one honors God? and put my feet in that direction.

I know this.

Hey, squirrel.

What was I doing?
I think I'm supposed to be doing the dishes. Or maybe I was eating breakfast....hm.....
 

Guilty.

I'm guilty. I'm very surprised by this to say the least but I am completely and utterly guilty.

Of what you ask?

Why of being surprised when people sin.

 Think about it.

This is kinda stupid. Okay, wait, no kinda, this is stupid. The bible is very clear, FOR ALL HAVE SINNED. So why am I'm constantly surprised?

Is this an attitude I've cultivated as a Christian? Cause that sucks. I'm supposed to be following Christ's example. I don't remember "showing shock" as an example laid out for me. I seem to remember love and forgiveness? Hmm...yes, Love for sure. Wait, definately forgiveness.

Have Christians become so incredibly lost?
How did I get to the point where I was looking to love the sinner not the sin and still acting all shocked when people sinned? I even do it when watching TV. The evening news is always shocking. Duh. We're all sinning.

I was thinking through the concept of  "and you shall know them by their fruits" while looking at my cherry tree. Now it's fall so there aren't any cherries on this tree but I can see it full of cherries. I know what an abundant fruit tree looks like. It's bending from the weight of it's branches and all but tosses fruit at you when you walk by. It smells amazing. A perfume that will settle in your bones and be long remembered. You can't help but never forget the sight, smells, taste and experience of an abundant fruit tree.

Step back from this fruit tree and what do you see? Well unless there are lots of small animals then there is rotting fruit on the ground. The fruit that has fallen doesn't change the fact that the fruit on the tree is still good. It just happens.

Sinning is an unfortunate reality. Happens to the best of us, the worst of us and everyone in between.

So lets look at our days and lift our eyes. Let's stop being surprised by the rotten and start enjoying the beauty of the fruit tree. I'm guessing there are plenty of examples of "fruits", Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Self-Control.

Galations 5:22-23

"But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in a n orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

Yeah, I'm going to start looking for that.

 

Whales and Secret Agents.

When obeying God expect your direction to change, constantly.
I was thinking He'd make my path clear but at the moment I feel more like a kid being hung over a dumpster while some punk feels me up for loose change.
I'm currently out of loose change.

Yesterday I was experiencing alot of fear because basically GOD said...You need to stay in New Jersey. I've spent the last two days moping due to this.

I read Jonah. You remember the dude that got eaten by a whale when he didn't go in the direction God had planned? Yeah, that Jonah. Keep reading and Jonah gets mad that God is showing mercy. I can totally relate. I both want to see mercy and realize that we are all undeserving sinners and I was totally getting my panties in a wad over it.

God didn't give me any enlightenment on the situation until I just accepted that God is allowed to show Mercy to sinners. Which is good, cause we all are.

So...no guacamole and margaritas yet. My BBQ tank must remain low. I swear half my problems are do to a BBQ, maragarita deficiency but I'm staying in New Jesery.

Something was really bothering me about this. Alot of somethings. I was feeling like I wasn't going to get the distance I needed to regroup. To replensih myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It was then God reminded me of

Galations 6:7

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."(NIV)

"Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others -ignoring God!- harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's spirit do the growth work in him, harvest a crop of real life, eternal life."

 

Ah...that's better. Thanks Lord. Now before you think that I'm just saying Mike isn't recieving mercy and I'm happy about that let me share what this message laid on my heart means to me.

I'm going to add a few more verses to the mix, Matt7:6 says to guard your treasures, which is myself, my heart, my children and their hearts. I'm also to guard my marriage.

Proverbs 4:23, again with the NIV,

 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

 

So I posted, Warning I'm dropping the FBomb, that I had some news/information and I didn't share what it was. Well, here it is, I needed a year and a lawyer before proceeding. I don't want to make life changing decisions while emotionally distressed. I didn't want to make live changing decisions without expert advice. This is part of guarding my treasures.

I had been whining that I felt this was all completely out of my control and my good friend Jo promptly told me I was being silly and needed to take back my control in the situation. I love good friend Jo.

 

Oh, I still pulled plenty of triggers. I'm not sitting on my laurels here. For a smart girl, this is making me feel slow. I'm learning here. I've known for a long time, just because you can doesn't mean you should. I've just always thought that about fashion.

 

So a man reaps what he sows and I need to guard my treasures. Basically Mike is getting an apartment so that he can reap what he's sown while I stay in the house guarding the treasures. This is not unloving but very loving. Although, yes it means basically Mike is getting the boot.

 

We've come to an understanding about some issues. I've drawn some lines in the sand. The one I like the best is about the kids. I've told him that he is welcome to be with us, to join us but only as a parent, not as a playmate. Far too often I've seen Dads turn into 9year olds with no boudaries when it comes to visitations. NO NO NO. Part of protecting my heart and protecting my kids is facing reality. The reality is Mike is a grown man who needs to get his act together. If he was an abusive drunk (he's not) then I would have all kinds of guards in place before he came near the children. I would most definately kick his butt to the curb until he's gotten his life back under control. So since this is more of a self-control issue I can recognize that my heart needs to see him being responsible. I can't make Mike do anything but I did ask and he has agreed. When we do play it will be as a family after the chores are done. Teaching the kids that you work first then play. An appropriate reality to teach now.

 

Moving right along.

 

So while I'm not physically moving anymore I am separating myself from danger and putting limits on sin. I've forgiven Mike but I've also got my guard up. I will not be jumping back into the frying pan here. I'm going to "sow" seeds of protection for my heart and for the kids. I'm going to reap, protection. In the meantime Mike has "sown" self destruction and I understand that means we have to separate if I'm to protect.

 

I asked the kids the other day what would happen if I they got in trouble. They immediately started sharing my creative punishment methods with me, "make us cut weeds with scissors", "send us to our rooms", "no video games or tv", "grounding", "pay a fine", "lose a toy", "spanking" - which earned a, "oh really", from me as they've been far to big to spank for years now. I must stop here to thank pinterest for sharing a list with me on creative punishments that fit the crime. I do so enjoy other slightly devious parents.

 

I digress.

 

Basically we discussed that Mike has made a terrible mistake...mistakes...and is now grounded. He will be living without us because we love him. Not because we wish him ill. I talked about how sometimes its hard to punish a child because they look so dang cute in timeout that you want to let them off the hook. Tyler proceeded to practice the dang cute look.

I'm not saying I'm Mike's parent or that I'm punishing him. Not at all! I'm protecting and guarding. God is the one who will take over from there. I was however, in the spirit of protecting, using this as a teachable moment so the kids would understand how to look at this separation. It would be irresponsible to let them come to their own conclusions.

 

Tyler would probably decide Mike is a secret agent on a super secret mission to save to the world. He's grip on reality needs some fine tuning. Katie is a preteen and could go either way on this. She could let all the fairy tales stored in her heart die a miserable dramatic death or she could see him as an exhiled prince. Or perhaps I'm selling her short. She does seem to completely understand that an affair is sexual and about more than sex. She is more perceptive that she lets on.

 

So we're moving forward. There is a shimmer of hope on the horizon but we are a very very long way off from this being over. In fact, I'm discovering that the hardest parts are probably yet to come.