Perspective

Perspective is a funny thing.

I've decided I'm not a fan.

Probably because I'm not always a fan of being a responsible adult.

I'm re-evaluating bible studies. I both love and recently hate them.

I adore learning the bible with others that want to soak it all in. I want to be with people that are excited about scripture as the latest best seller. I want to be able to ask questions to flesh out the truth. Not because I'm arguing but trying to understand.

This isn't what I'm finding at bible study. I'm finding pasteurized generic people watching a "profound" video. Who can when prompted feed you the proper answer and then never truly apply it to their own life. If your lucky and they are trying hard, they'll apply it to your life for you.

Seriously, I'm done with that crap.

I'm ready to move on to learning by doing.

We are to love. We are to meet needs.  I'm going to join those already doing that. I'll memorize scripture while I'm at it and call it "bible study".

My perspective is changing. I'm done sitting on the sidelines.

Which brings me to my struggle. A gut wrenching, heart bleeding, agony. One I haven't mentioned before.

My son is sick.

I've been ignoring it for months.

I was hoping it was the flu.

For those of you who don't know Tyler had a brain tumor. It was the sized of a softball in his tiny 7yr old head. It was removed Jan 2011.

but....

The barfing is back. The headaches are back. The Neurosurgeon has cleared his last MRI as not the cause of these issues. I'm going to pursue a second opinion just because I'm not sure I agree.

I'm now having to face things that suck.

The survival rate for childhood brain tumors. It's 40-80% for 5 years if properly diagnosed. - SUCKS

Watching my son, shrink. He's losing weight. Losing vitality. Getting paler. - SUCKS

Without getting all down in the dumps, I'll remind myself that I put all my trust in God. That's God's got this. That I have no control over the outcome I have obedience to God.

So, perspective.

I'm asking myself how I want to live the next few years. Really live.
I'm wanting to change everything.

If you thought a loved one was dying would you turn off the TV and play monopoly? but what if that loved one is far too tired and lacks the skills.

It's a lot to think about.

So I'm turning it over to God. OK, throwing back in His Face. I'm not yelling or weeping yet because I'm pretending I have dignity.

I'm not one to pretend for long.

So I'm asking myself, now what.

I've got one Disney trip booked.

What needs to happen now. After the Dr.'s visits and responsible stuff of life. How can I live, really LIVE. Celebrating the LIFE I have. Celebrating Tyler's LIFE.

That act of LIFE that tells those around me that I value LIFE and I'm not just watching Tyler die but showing him how to REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS.

Living in such a way that I'm not mourning missed opportunities. I'd hate to think that the worse happened, Tyler dies and I look over his last few years, hearing his voice begging to not go to school. Asking if he could play more. Asking me to play a board game when I was tired. Oh yeah, that would SUCK.

Balancing that with fiscal responsibility. It is just money but that doesn't mean I can spend the next few years wracking up debt.

How differently would you live if you knew you had 5 years instead of 75? And does anyone really know? You could be hit by a car tomorrow. You could be the first person in your family to live over 100yrs.

How do you plan/live for either?

On the one hand you don't want to run out of energy early. You want to exercise, eat right, do the right responsible things while also grabbing hold of the joys of life.

I'm thinking I want to take the kids to Habitat for Humanity this summer and build a house for someone. I find that loving others and helping others is better than just grabbing at things that make just me happy.

I want to spread love and joy.

I've got a new perspective and I want to apply it to my life and change accordingly.

We are in for quite the adventure.

(If you'd like to follow Tyler's blog you can find it at www.caringbridge.org/tylerzeman )

I knew life was like a roller coaster....I just forgot that I haven't gotten off the ride yet. So let's put our hands in the air and scream! Enjoying every moment to its fullest!

 

Complaining but seeking God's Will.

So I've got company visiting and it's got me thinking all kinds of interesting things.

After all I love my father-in-law and I'm ready to kick him to the curb too.

This morning before my cup of coffee he mentioned that he's glad Mike and I have worked out "our little misunderstanding".

It was best that he was on the other side of the room at the time.

Please don't refer to the shattering of my heart, an adulterous affair, and the destruction of my life as I knew it as - a little misunderstanding.

I really don't think I'm being too sensitive about it.

I do wonder though. My feelings are getting trampled on left and right.

Last night was a ladies fellowship / bible study and it was brutal. I'm not entirely sure how it happens but I was asked how I had time to email, facebook, twitter, etc.

I adore my phone and started with my joke that I'd happily sign up to be an iperson.

Which lead an entire room of ladies to start lecturing me on "garbage in, garbage out".

I just sat there.
 I'm not entirely sure how to respond.
After all they have just jumped to quite a few conclusions that they have no idea of.

They don't know a thing about me.
They just have the information that I love my iphone.
Dude.

A part of me wanted to defend myself and mention that I have a couple of Bible apps and love having God's word as a constant companion. I wanted to cry out that I watch Downton Abbey not E news.
However, I also realized that they didn't care.

They just needed to express their understanding of good Christian behaviour and I got to be their scapegoat.

I'm not thrilled with this development.
 I wanted to be able to complete my thoughts and share with them that having technology has freed me to have more time. Made me more effect at home and added a layer of peace. I wanted to share how God is working in my life but I keep getting cut off when I start with the problems God's saved me from.

It is the desire of my heart to share the redemption available in Jesus but I've spent more time smiling and nodding than ever before. Literally not allowed to speak.

I'm confident that God has a plan but I'm equally sure I don't know what it is.

What I do know is,

Romans 14:1
"Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don't see things the way you do. And don't jump all over them every time they do or say something you don't agree with - even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently."

skipping down

to verse 12

"So tend to your knitting. You've got your hands full taking care of your own life before God."

Ain't that the truth!

I'm going to work on listening more with my heart and less with my ears.

I'm going to pull out my yarn. Overall I think it's a good plan.

So that solves how I'm to react to the ladies at church but still leaves me pondering the passive aggressiveness of the old man.

I certainly need to listen with my heart here as well but to some degree I need to figure out how to speak out against the thoughtless disrespect he constantly serves up. I'm not entirely sure he realizes just how passive aggressive he is. Then again, he could be doing it on purpose to liven up his visit.
It wasn't as noticable when he didn't have to talk to me because I was visiting with Gayle.
I know we all miss her.

How have you dealt with passive aggressive family members who disrespect you?
How does one identify if it's on purpose or just a horrible lack of manners?

And I realize I've posted this on my blog but I mean no disrepect to anyone.
My father-in-law doesn't read my blog and you're not going to stir things up by telling him I have no idea how to get on with him?
Cause that would just be mean.



 

Are you Winnie the Pooh or Eyore?

I saw a great Steve Martin film, and of course I'm blanking on the name, where he got messages from all around him. The billboards, his car radio, his TV, were all talking directly to him.
I totally feel that way.

The message is to unite the way you talk with the way you act.
I've seen it on FB. I have it on a cute little index card I made up as a note from one of the many books I was reading.

However, it's more than that for me. I'm also getting the message to lighten up and get happy. Which I find entertaining.

I'm reading, CS Lewis, (this is me name dropping a very difficult read so you'll think I'm very smart), called the Weight of Glory. In it he makes the argument that you can boil everyone down to two kinds a people. Happy People and Unhappy People.

He goes on, (in prose that sounds closer to Shakespeare than common English) that Unhappy People are in fact happiest when miserable and we shouldn't take that away from them.

I've had a bit of time to think it over and I wholeheartedly agree. I've met plenty of people happiest when miserable. Eyore is a great example.

I'm not like that. I'm happiest when I'm happy. Closer to Winnie the Pooh. However, that's what I thought my best friend growing up was like. Katie was a Pooh. Fun, smart but not overwhelmingly so, friendly, lovable, the Leader.

I'm animated and love to joke around.
 I'm happiest when I'm being a smart ass.
Which is more Tigger than Pooh......

So I realized that I need to change the tone of my blog...sorta.

It's weird really. My blog is me but I don't think you'd realize what an obnoxious cut up I am by my blog. Sure I leave no subject unturned and it's reflecting my inner thoughts but when did I get so serious? More like Kanga...who is happiest when unhappy.

I've decided that I need to perhaps mesh all the faucets of me better. In the spirit of listening to the voices on the TV, billboards and whatnot, I'm going to be more cheeky in my thoughtfulness.

And I'll be slightly more serious in real life. Which will probably inspire a smidge more confidence in my real estate clients. Not as much confidence as I could inspire if I knew what I was doing.....but more than I am at the moment. Let's not get carried away.

It also makes me wonder if I could get away with quoting scriptures at people in real life. I certainly do it enough here. I've always treated it like it was a bit stuffy to do in person but perhaps I'm missing an opportunity to sound snooty? Which would be mildly hilarious to my way of thinking. Me, snooty? Ha!

So that's what I'm learning this week.

What would you need to do to mesh your heart and your brain into your actions? Or just as important, are you Winnie the Pooh or Eyore?

I should wear more orange.
 

Would you know it if it bit you?

What in the world does it mean to be an effective Christian woman?

I've started really listening to what's being said around me and I've decided that mostly we just repeat cliches.
"Be Bold!"
"Be meek and humble."
"Be ladylike."
"Being Ladylike never changed history."
"Seduce your husbands!"
"Guard your purity."

Ugh.

Does the church hear itself?

Being the queen of out of the box thinking I could probably put a spin on all of these that would make perfect sense and show how we can be all of it at once but to what end?

I've also discovered that people don't really want what they are asking for. They are shocked and confused when you are bold. They are horrified when you're not ladylike. They are annoyed at humility and meekness.

Last night was the Super Bowl.
Plenty of ladies that mentioned they don't care for it and don't watch it posted all about the half time show. I thought this was funny because I also don't care so I was in fact was busy catching up on Star Trek. I'm guessing that the only reason I wasn't forced to watch it is because we don't have cable or local channels and our Internet TV died on Friday. My husband was forced to watch it in a 4"x4" square on his computer. That's all CBS would provide for streaming.
Lucky me.

It brings up another delightful contradiction we hear, don't conform." Just because someone you know is doing it doesn't make it right for you." However, that never seems to address how to behave when you're married to, "someone". Or the fact that the church is asking you to conform to it's interpretation of "good Christian woman". Some churches even go so far as to have a dress code.

I'm doing a study on Tuesday nights called, gods at war.Yes, little g. It's about identifying idols/strongholds in our lives that are between us and God. It's a great study that is doing a great job of pointing out that only God can correct our behavior.
It had some questions we could use to help us identify idols in our lives.
What is your biggest disappointment?
Who's encouragement means the most to you?
Where does your time and money go?

It pointed out that people and behaviors can be idols too. Interesting.

I can see how after Tyler I strayed for total reliance on God and more reliance on Mike. Oops.
I never meant to make my husband an idol. I had to struggle with the idea that I was worshiping Mike by focusing my meal planning energies on his favorite meals. By sorting my day so that I could be free and available for him. Making favorite meals, pouring out my love, all seemed reasonable at the time. They say hindsight is 20/20 for a reason.

Looking back, I don't think I was behaving in a crazy manner but in a very acceptable normal way. However, not as God intended. God is a jealous God and He wanted my focus.

Mike also wanted my focus on God.

It was a burden for Mike. I was asking for provisions, love, support, etc....that belonged to God.  Ouch. That can break a person. Not my intent at all.

So what does this have to do with being Ladylike?

I'm starting to think that we're practising a strange religion that has messed with our perception of Good Godly Christian Woman. We have no real idea how to be humble meek and bold. Because you can't. Humility and Boldness sure but Meekness and Boldness are opposites. Our message to each other and from the church is so messy that we are unraveling it alone at home. So confused and frustrated we just do whatever and decided that's what was meant.

I'm mulling on all these things when, bam, I'm directed to this blog, http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/ and the article Are Christians Idolizing Virginity. Powerful ideas here. It's a old story that is tried and true. We take the Christian behavior and turn to it instead of turning to God. We create a whole focus that seems wonderful but is in fact not focusing on God at all.

I'm not entirely sure what ladylike looks like. I'm not clear on what it is to be humbly bold but I have figured out where to discover it. It's not google.

While I will be looking for the answer in my Bible I will also be focusing on my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It's okay if I get distracted from the topic of womanly behavior because I was focused on HIM. It would be nice to know just so that I can better lead my family but for now I'm going to trust that God's got me and I'm to be my normal animated self unless otherwise directed.

 

As Superbowl Approaches

So, as a military wife I've picked up a few interesting habits. One of them is to go to more than one church at a time.

I think I do it because I visit one, like them, but then crave more fellowship and find more. I love our main church, Hope but they don't offer anything during the week. They've decided to just have one Saturday a month for a ladies fellowship and then they offer an evening bible study for six weeks twice a year. Pathetic. I don't understand why this is? I want Sunday School on Sunday mornings, then an offering to study or fellowship or exercise every single day of the week.

So I attend PWOC on Tuesdays as my bible study. I don't attend Chapel though because they've also dropped the Sunday School thing and don't even use Bible's with the kids on Sunday mornings just coloring pages. The chapel apparently has a dinner and bible study/awanna's on Wednesday. Well, I can't eat what they serve (way to much sugar and usually all starches) and I've been invited to fellowship at Karaoke night. It was a no brainer.

All said and done I'm seeing a trend towards no Sunday School and hearing from many that it's so hard to meet people. It is connected.

But I digress. To fill my desire for study, fellowship and worship I go where I find it.

However, as we get close to Superbowl I'm noticing a trend and I recognize it from many years past. How many times in the last few years have you heard someone tell you to "Get excited at church like you do at a football game!"

When I hear this at PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) I roll my eyes. I have in fact heard this every single week for the last six weeks.

This week after if was mentioned I decided I'd had it and went to her and suggested she think out of the box, perhaps for this audience (mostly over 50 retiree's who knit during the study) you should ask them to have the enthusiasm you'd feel if Jo Anne's was having a 90% off sale. Or even, if you woke up and discovered your had the body of your youth? But no, I was told that she believes that the football analogy is valid for us gals.

Personally I don't watch the game. I ignore it and then come in the room to catch the commercials. I've never bothered to learn the game. I might some day but I'm busy and I don't really care to spend that much time in something that doesn't move my life forward. I will take the time to smile and laugh though. I find the commercials at Superbowl are excellent for a laugh.

So I guess I do sit through my bible study with the same enthusiasm as I use for the Super Bowl. This is me following the letter not the spirit of the law.

In the same day, at the same study we then broke off into our groups.

Then it got interesting.

I asked some questions that sparked confusion and debate.

My ladies group is filled with those from other denominations and not everyone is saved. They are from all walks. Our only common denominator is that we are or were military spouses.

We're doing the study, When God's People Pray. After watching some video we are asked two questions. The question was,

"Why does God refuse to listen to us when we sin?"

I was instantly on put on guard by the wording. I wanted the opportunity to establish the background of this question. My intent was to clarify that this was for believer's who were knowingly defiant. Not a sinner coming in repentance for the first time. So I asked something along the lines of,

"To be clear, we're talking not about a sinner coming for salvation or even that we need to continually renew our salvation but that this is meant for a defiant believer who doesn't want to part with their current sinful behavior?"

The immediate response was many women telling me that sin is inevitable and that we all fall under this.

I tried another approach, "If I was an old car and my engine was removed and I was restored, I would then continue my life as a restored vehicle. Sure I'd still need maintenance but it doesn't change that I'm restored."

I could barely keep track of the verses on sin being quoted to me at this point. All true. The flesh is weak. We're all sinners. blah blah blah....I understand.

Then I was treated to woman asking me if I ever worry.

It went from bad to worse because I answered that while I have worried I've recently been free from worry. Recognizing that it is a choice and I choose to give worry over to God.

I was accused of being perfect.

I laughed.

Then the gut punch. Instead of listening or trying to understand....one of the oldest ladies in the group turned her face to me and said,

"Oh, you are filled with such deep Anger."

Huh?

The chorus was taken up around the room, "Anger is a sin", "I can see it in her face", "You're sinning right now girl, get on your knees", "God knows your heart".....

Whoa. I backed up. Took a moment and asked, "what am I angry about?"

"That's between you and God."

I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the bible study.

As I was leaving, many of the woman stopped me and told me I needed counseling. I was getting extremely frustrated. I even said to the Bible Study leader, "You're the third person to suggest counseling and I'm glad that I'm in counseling. Otherwise I'd think you guys had something.  I am getting angry. I'm getting horribly frustrated that we are calling this a bible study but it's just a merry little sing along without the bouncing ball. I was unable to ask questions outside of the parameters of the established questions. My desire is to delve into the study and learn but I'm supposed to just answer, Jesus is the way."

This was not well received.

I'm sure most of you can picture this. I'm wearing my zebra print sweater, and talking loudly. I'm not a quiet girl. This was exactly the kind of excitement that was encouraged moments before at assembly but then labeled anger when faced with it.

I find myself chewing on this days later.

I'm tempted the next time I hear someone encourage us to behave like we're cheering our favorite team to do just that.

Picture it, a bare fellowship hall with folding chairs and tables. Ladies knitting while we sing a chorus slowed down so that the leader can add trills and frills with her voice. I stand up and holler, "You go girl, Woot Woot, while fist pumping."

When they read the bible I yell encouragements and my support.

I think they would lynch me.

I would be acting in the letter of the law. Not even close to the spirit but then I'm not entirely sure they understand what they are asking either.

As I've prayed over this, I received Galatians 5: 16, 17

"My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?"

NIV reads, "So I say, walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want."

God is so fabulous to me that this actually led me to two answers I've been searching for.

First, that I'm not filled with anger I'm "high-spirited" or "animated" which is a very good thing. We've come to believe that it is good and humble to be quiet, soft spoken, and nice. I challenge that by just being me. I'm not always nice. I might even hurt your feelings but my motivation is love and I do it in the spirit of truth. Usually I don't even recognize I did it until you mention it.

I can also apply the golden rule here, I would much rather be hurt all day, every day by friends who love me than lied to by enemies. So I have, done unto others what I want done to me.

Secondly, if you think back, I mentioned that the ladies of my bible study answered that sin was  inevitable. Oh this has caused me much thought. "Worry and Stress" in fact that I have in turn passed along to God asking if it could be true? Do we have to sin?

No. Short answer.

Then long answer is that we are saved by grace and through Christ we have strength. When you get to the moment of temptation it is too late. Your flesh is weak.
However, the "magic instructions" for not sinning are in Galatians 5. We have to graft our lives into God's. We have to walk in the Spirit, etc... you've heard this a thousand different ways. Because God knew we'd need to hear it over and over.

We have the choice to remain in him.

Put one more way, it's like exercise. You get in what you put out and the benefits stop when you stop exercising. You remain in health when you have the proper behavior.

This isn't implying works saves us. This is implying that we have to choose HIM. Basically everyday.

As for the question in my bible study, "Why does God refuse to listen to us when we sin?"

My answer, "Same reason I refuse to hear my children when they yell at me from the basement with the video controller in their hand. They aren't ready to listen. They are focused on what they want, not willing to even give me a moments respect and walk up stairs to find me."

Now I just have to figure out if I'm supposed to continue going to this study and continue to stir things up or walk away. I can see both sides. I'm counting on the Lord to make it very clear and I'll just obey. I should have my answer by Tuesday...8:45am. Possibly no sooner but that's okay. I live to serve.

And to share irony, I was warned. Our assembly verses was to put on the Armor of God.....Good thing I need my "belt of truth" to keep my pants up.