Finally we start Marriage Counseling....

I feel like I need to blog but I also feel scattered, cranky and want to just pretend everything is all right until Christmas is over.

In October I told Mike that we NEEDED to go to Marriage Counseling but he needed to be in charge. Some of the things that brought Mike to the point of asking for a divorce included, I do everything, I used him as just a paycheck, and he doesn't get enough respect.

So he was in charge of counseling.

Somewhere alone the way he heard us agree that he needed to work on himself before we started counseling together. My intent was for him to start his counseling and get on meds then start Marriage Counseling. In my mind this was a month. In his mind we wouldn't start marriage counseling til the new year.

After many frustrated additional conversations he relented to get us counseling now. Of course, nothing is ever straight forwards so he spent the month of November discovering that TriCare/Military One Source can't tell you anything about a counselor, you just get assigned someone based on who the person who took your call thinks you need. Not to be difficult but I was insisting on a Christian Counselor. Someone who would better understand our needs.

We ended up with the base Chapel. I'm pleased with this. I prefer it in fact. It's where I would have started. They're are enough of them I can find one I like plus they are Christian and understand military life.

So we had an appointment on Wednesday.

Earlier in the week we'd been sitting in the same room while Mike received the call that there was an opening. He asked me if I was available then and I put it in my phone before he'd even hung up the phone. Wednesday, 2pm with Chaplain SoandSo, at beige building 555.

Mike also put it in his phone. Wednesday, 1pm with Chaplain SoandSo, at beige building 555.

Did you catch that? I thought 2? He thought 1?

We didn't catch this until 12:30 Wednesday. I thought I still had an hour to get ready and he wanted to walk out the door. We were driving separate cars because he needed to be somewhere and I was heading to work after. In the spirit of graciousness I slapped on some mascara and headed out.

I could drag this one out for the full story but it's not all that interesting. It's just another example of how poorly we communicate. The appointment was at 2. The Chaplain was out of his office til 1:15 but took us then anyway. Which ended up being a blessing because he saw us until Mike had to leave at 2:50.

I really liked our Chaplain. He stared by asking how we'd met. We argued the details a bit but I thought in a humorous way.

Then he asked me why we were there.

 I wished he'd started with Mike.

So I laid it out at well as I could.

So the ball started rolling.

Then it started snowballing. Gathering speed.

Splat.

I knew marriage counseling wouldn't be easy but I was surprised at how much I still hurt days later. Not in the ways I thought either.

The chaplain used a tool with us to help us quantify our relationship. Asked us to rate on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest where we felt we were on:

Knowing - I answered 1. I know Mike just fine. I know his clothing size, favorite meals, favorite music, how he likes to spend his free time, what he'd do with a financial windfall, what he wishes he could be doing, etc.... but I also know that Mike doesn't know my favorite meals, my clothing size, how I'd like to spend a windfall, or what I wish I could be doing.

He knows I like flowers so he tries but he has treated the details like they are too complicated, too worth the effort to learn what kinds of flowers. What colors and styles.

Moving along.

Trust - We both answered low. I gave him a 3. I do trust him with the kids. I trust him to do his job at work but well it's not a pretty picture. I do feel he chooses himself before us (me and or the kids).

Reliability - another low low score. I know that he will always be agreeable and say that he'll do something. I also know that doesn't mean a darn thing. So while I feel I can rely on him to watch the kids and feed himself I'm not always sure that he follow through on much else. However I do feel he is extremely reliable at work. I believe he is well liked, admired and respected at work. I believe that wouldn't be the case if they felt he was either unreliable or untrust worthy.

Commitment - We both scored this high. This one is interesting though. I'm committed to God first, this marriage is second. I'm not entirely sure why Mike answered the way he did.

When the Chaplain asked Mike responded it was because I fought for him. Yeah. I find this both extremely unflattering and false.

What I saw as gathering facts and asking what and why Mike saw as fighting for us.

I even blogged about giving this completely over to God and not fighting. Curiously I don't understand the male mind but I would have taken that as a clue that I was just done.

So Mike is committed because I fought for him and I'm committed because I promised before God, til death do we part.

Touch - predictably another low score. I'm a super huge fan of touch. I'm pretty sure it's one of my love languages. I'm not a huge fan of hugging everyone because they are special. I don't want to be flippant with them. In the last few years this area of our marriage has suffered. I was fine during deployment but was really hoping that when he got home we'd be on each other like white on rice. However, that didn't happen and over the last year we've become roommates. I've been nagging him to see a doctor because I felt it was unnatural that he could go for so long without. In hindsight, I wish he'd just said something. I've been dying a little inside because my husband never wants to have sex.

Knowing that he does in fact, makes it worse.

I both feel like I should tell him in great detail how lucky he is to have a wife as awesome as me that also wants to play in the bedroom all the time. I'm one of a kind.

However, it also feels very degrading to have to convince ones own husband of these facts.

So this simple task completed I felt like we'd gotten to the heart of plenty of problems.

This is where the Chaplain let us know that while he doesn't usually say this, "you too have hit rock bottom". He then mentioned that he was sure we could creatively come up with what could be worse but that we needed to realize that this was awful.

I had to let that sink in.

I'm not sure I'd let myself think it.

It was and is very true. It's easier to make excuses that life could be worse. Easily in fact. We hold a brain tumor card in our deck of tricks.

After thinking about it I felt relieved. As if I was being freed from looking for another shoe to drop. I honestly didn't realize I was doing that.

We're at rock bottom here. This is what a marriage was never meant to be.

OK.

Then the Chaplain gave us instructions. I'm to find a counselor just for me. OK again. I like talking and I like hearing I'm not crazy in a "let's get you fitted for a comfy white jacket with snazzy buckles" kinda way.

We were both challenged to remember why we fell in love the first time and why we like each other. This is harder as I'm not entirely sure we like each other. Oh we admire things about each other but as a whole package.....I'm not even sure Mike likes himself.

Then on to the best and worst part of our whole session.

Romance.

We were challenged to watch a romantic movie together. I cringed. I get annoyed at female leads in most of these and want to laugh at the stupid crap the guys do. I don't enjoy them much.

This however was were I admitted that I do in fact crave romance in my life. Previously I'd been a book a week romance addict. I confessed that I've come to realize that in trying to meet my own needs through books I've basically been having an emotional affair and blocking Mike from getting the chance to romance me. It's a tricky one. I'm still pro romance novels, don't get me wrong but like an alcoholic I was using them to numb the pain. Oops.

I got rid of all my romance novels and it's been hard. Through the years certain books have become cherish friends that support me though moves. Having the ability to comfort myself during the stress of moving and meeting new friends has been a great tool but not if I'm going to be hurting my marriage at the same time.

So romance.

Now what.

This should be interesting.

I was asked how I was going to support Mike in this quest. I said that when asked, I would do my best to tell him everything and be very open about what I want and need.

I'm wondering if I should just make him a list of movies to watch. Jokingly I thought about labeling the movies we own with stickers, the don't you dare act like this guy, and please pretty please try these..... with my luck the stickers would accidentally get stuck on some action flicks and Mike would be trying to figure out how exactly he was supposed to be like Brad Pitt in Mr and Mrs. Smith. (spies who shoot at each other). On the other hand perhaps some Trekkie and bond movies are in order.

So on that note I will end this super long blog.

If you have any suggestions for how to show a girl she's cherished send them in a PM to Mike on FB........My favorite color is dark purple but I also love black, red, blue, green and orange. No pastels. I don't have a favorite number and I currently love Mumford and Sons, Bruno Mars and Vivaldi. I prefer kick butt movies to dramas and I like skittles....It's a good place to start.



 

I know NOTHING. It's official.

"Trust the Lord with all your heart." - check

"Lean not on your own understanding." - check. Sorta. I'm trying but I keep trying to understand. It's a delicate balance most days.

"In all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight." I wonder what a straight path looks like. Does it mean no surprises? Is it like those roads in TX where you can see for miles and miles? Submit...hm....

I've heard this word many times before. Submit.
My current understanding of this word is best described as a yield sign. In traffic you yield the right of way. Not because you feel some weird need to be a doormat or because you're being nice but because this makes the flow of traffic work. You're not giving up anything you're contributing to the ease of traffic. Makes sense to me. Nine times out of ten I wish most stop signs were yields. Oh and for those of you who come to a full stop at a yield sign, stop it.

"Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil." Interesting. I'm good with not being wise in my own eyes. I'm constantly asking for God's wisdom. I know just enough to realize I know NOTHING. As for fearing the Lord..... this puzzles me.

I heard once that fear here meant respect. So let's check the other translations and see if it sheds some light on the situation.
 King James, fear.
Message, well the Message doesn't do strict verse so...."Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!"
To muddy the waters a bit more, Amplified reads, "reverently fear and worship the Lord and turn [entirely] from evil."
So fear.
When I think fear I naturally go to being afraid. I'm thinking that means.....but wait right before fear was - you know nothing. So now I'm puzzled again. I truly don't believe I'm supposed to be afraid of the Lord but I am reduced to a puddle thinking about the breath and width of His capabilities. If you were to combine Hulk's strength, Thor's good looks, Iron Man's awesomeness, Captain America's.....you'd be ridiculous. God made the whole freaking universe. From scratch. Take that Iron Man.

My app this morning was set to NIV so that's were I started but not that I've seen this in the Message I dont' want to go back.

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart;" That sounds more like it. Check.

"don't try to figure out everything on your own." I can see He was expecting me. I'll work on it. I will listen to the Holy Spirit. I will.

"Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." This is where I am. This is where I'm trying to live.

So I'm laying around napping and wondering if I'm doing it right. Sure, I'm supposed to be resting because I have Mono but I also just got my Real Estate's license and started working. Sorta. I mean I've gone into the office and had business cards made. I told some people.
Seems to me this is a perfect time to be - Listening for God's voice in everything I do and everywhere I'm going. Kinda feels like I'm missing something because I'm getting to take naps and do laundry.

Makes me wonder. Waiting on the Lord. Am I supposed to be doing something? Or is trusting hard because waiting is hard?
I'm a military wife. We're called to wait all the freaking time. So I know that I hate waiting. As I mulling on this I picture myself in a giant Dr.'s office. Green plastic sofa's gathered around low round coffee tables. Not a bright green but somewhere between puke and not quite sage. Meant to be timeless and classic but just wrong. On the coffee tables for our waiting pleasure are magazines that you would never touch on a regular day. Articles about how to stay regular after 40 or parenting tips to avoid disciplining your toddler. Ugh. Makes me think Catholics might be on to something with this purgatory. It's called waiting.

Interestingly this is when the brilliance of this passage hits me. God also added the parts about how I know nothing and I need to fear Him. He knew all along that this waiting thing is difficult.

Look at poor Sarah and Abraham. She got tired of waiting on the the Lord and told her husband to get the maid pregnant. How'd that work out?

Jonah decided he wasn't going to listen and he thought he knew better. God reminded him of the Fear we are to show the Lord and stuffed him in a whale for a few days. I'd rather not warrant such extremes.

So I'm waiting on the Lord. I'm wondering how in the world I'm supposed to feel productive while being so passive. It's new. It's crazy. I'm going to make sure that everyone knows that's where I am.
I'm yielding all to God. Giving Him right of way.

I'm waiting on the Lord in my new job.
I'm waiting on the Lord in my marriage.
I'm waiting on the Lord for my everything.

While weird, I'm telling you, if feels good. I'm not stressed out over Christmas. I'm excited about the opportunities God is preparing just for me. I'm feeling rested and at peace. In December, crazy right?

Plus I'm digging the promises in the following verses. They are good in every translation.


 

Torture and Christmas Cards.

I'm finding myself feeling tortured.
Tyler has Mono and I know I need to get tested as well. In fact I'm pretty sure I gave it to him.
It's an "interesting" level of exhaustion that I have previously only experienced after giving birth.

It's left me with a body that refuses to stay awake and a brain that can't sleep. I'm left with the inability to use my normal distractions and must face my own brain.

There's the usual banter about needing to feed the family, plan meals, clean house, laundry but layered in is a sneaky evil attacking me.

Thoughts that I feel are in fact a spiritual attack. I'm not usually one for going all woo woo but I'm feeling strongly that these thoughts are coming from somewhere other than my head and heart.

I'm familiar with the fact the Satan wants to destroy marriage and I'm feeling like he's aimed his weapons at me.

I'll be laying my head down to nap and I'll start mentally going over all the pinterest projects I'd love to try when out of nowhere the picture will switch and I'll graphically imagine my husband getting a blow job by the other woman.  Quickly I'll tell myself to stop and I'll dredge up a verse. I've got some on index cards by my bed. I'm starting to think I need to carry those index cards in my pocket.

Because Mike is still in a sling he's still not supposed to be driving. Which means I'm driving everyone, everywhere. Being super exhausted I'll think I can close my eyes at a red light. I'll be in the middle of an innocent conversation about what flavor hot chocolate can we have with dinner, close my eyes, only to suddenly feel like I need to drive to where Mike is supposed to be to see if I might catch him lying to me. Ugh.

My head and heart are in agreement that I want to be who God tells me I am. I'm a good wife, I'm a good friend, I am adored lavishly by God. I'm faithful and forgiving.

I'm learning more and more what it means to forgive. I feel like I've leveled up my game to the big leagues. I know the bible warns that this is a spiritual battle but I got to say this has me feeling tortured. I wish I could say that with each attack they get shorter and less potent. Nope. I can say that I've memorized quite a bit more scripture in the last few weeks than in the last few years.

I'm learning that shining God's light on a situation is always the best and only way to do things. I can tell you that just God's word against these thoughts blows them up like an explosion on mythbusters. I feel that each time I recognize an attack I run and hide behind God. I know that God's got this one. I'm wondering why and how I keep getting out from under God. You'd think I'd be smart enough to just hide in Christ and stay put. Oops..

I find the struggle gets even harder when talking to people. At home with my family I'm confident I'm doing the right thing. It feels wonderful and healing.

When I'm alone I wonder if I'm being a doormat.
Wonder if I'm a sucker.
Wonder if I'm teaching my kids to forgive or just to roll over and be taken advantage of.

I have to constantly, vocally give this to God.

I find though that in conversation I can't quite express that I want to let God heal my marriage because I'm afraid of sounding like a wimp.  I don't know if I like myself for being so forgiving. I'm struggling here. I want to sound confident and in charge but explaining that I'm working on showing grace to someone who has horribly hurt me because if our situation was reversed it's how I would want to be treated leaves me sounding....disjointed and depressed. It's not how I want to sound. I want God's love to pour from me because I feel His love for me so lavishly that it just overflows onto those around me.

I want to be an example of forgiving 70x7 but also showing that Christians aren't supposed to be doormats that are trusting like a puppy. We are sharp and empowered with God's wisdom. I'm sharp and I'm empowered with God's wisdom because I asked for it and He gave it to me. Says so, right in James.

I'm learning that when I speak God's truth of grace and what I'm learning about how to forgive and be forgiven that I'm embracing faith and God's power in my life. I'm learning that I can banish the horrible thoughts with just the name Jesus. Probably sounds like I'm swearing as I lay there trying to sleep.

Ah well, I'm a work in progress. Swearing is the least of my worries.

As we celebrate Christmas I'm unable to write an annual Christmas letter. It would end up feeling more like an emotional grenade. You'd open it and start reading only to find yourself horrified with all the crap.
January was moving, saying goodbye to too many wonderful people, and goodbye to stuff that was stolen or smashed to bits by movers. February more of the same....we actually moved just after Valentines. Yet another holiday missed that makes me feel neglected.
March was lonely and spent trying to shove 2400square feet into 1600sq ft.
April, May....I made a friend but started homeschooling because my kids were drowning in school.
June and July I was getting my homeschooling groove on, house hunting, etc while Mike was deployed. Tyler started getting sick again.
I'll stop there.
It's been a trying year.

But that doesn't even come close to the story of Love that all runs through out. My children love me and love each other. It's fun to see my kids act like they don't have any friends but then prefer to play with each other time and again. Never admitting that they are each others best friend.

Moving is hard but it's a new beginning.
I love getting to decorate all the time. I love meeting new people and collecting friends.
I adore getting to explore without ever being far from home. My home is where my heart is so I am privileged to get to see the world with my heart. My family.

Even when my whole world exploded I can see so many good changes.
I remember being horribly sad when I heard that Yellow Stone National Park was devastated by fire. It was a black scar on the earth where once was lush forests. It was heartbreaking.
I remember at the time someone, I think my Dad, explained that it was actually a good thing. That the earth needed the renewal. The fire cleared out the funk, the dead, the broken. The fire caused new seeds to burst forth and the ash nourished the soil.
If you look at Yellow Stone today you see wonderful lush life again. I read somewhere that the fire actually caused seeds to sprout from trees that they previously though extinct. The fire gave new life to a forest that we didn't realize needed it.
My life is the same.
I'm coming to life like never before.
I still fight the effects of the burn but I can see the new life. I can feel hope for a lush future.
It's far too much to put in a Christmas card.

So as you think of us, please continue to pray. We are still under attack. Godly marriages everywhere are. Mike hasn't said anything but I can promise he's under attack too. We can't fight this. Only God can. Pray. As you pray, thank Him, Praise Him, for blessing us with renewal. For giving us a life better than we'd imagined.
And pray for me and Tyler as we struggle through Christmas with Mono.

I should probably rethink hanging the mistletoe this year.

It's a Doozie.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart."

With your ALL.

"Lean not on your own understanding."

Words I'm sure you've heard before. I'm coming to think that - "lean not on your own understanding" is a warning that we'll think its crazy. It's not what we'd plan.

I find myself trusting each day and I'm amazed by each day. Speechless might even cover it. Some days good amazed but more often than not just frankly confused, befuddled and silent to protect myself from my own stupid questions.

I've got a good idea that God's Plan is freaking amazing. I've also got a good handle on I have no clue as to how to even handle the idea of this awesomeness. It's way beyond my understanding.

So, what's got me all....trusting. Well, Thanksgiving was eye opening. We got to see some wonderful friends and had some great times. We are super grateful that our kids aren't little anymore and that we don't have to help bathe them, diaper them or feed them. It's really wonderful having kids that bath...someday we'll know what that's like.

It was hard celebrating gratitude this year. I'm still hurt but I recognize that I'm healing. I still love Mike and I even still like him. We have miles to travel still and another holiday to get through but I've got hope. Not so much for some of my friends. I've always understood that holidays can be rough but I've tasted a small portion of the pain and I want no more. It was hard enough that Gayle died this year. Add the pain of an affair, a kid recovering from a brain tumor, learning difficulties at school....I'm done. All I've got is trusting.

I'm holding on to this verse,
"You are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned,
nor shall the flames scorch you.
For I am the Lord your God."
Isaiah 43:2-3

I've shared this before.
I'm holding onto it now because we're not done yet.
We got home from Thanksgiving sick. Suspected Strep throat sent us to the Doctors to discover, Sinus Infections, Bronchitis, and drum roll please, MONO. We do nothing half way at the Zeman house. 

While my suffering and pain feels personal I'm discovering that many are also suffering. Part of me wants to throw a diva fit to let you all know that my pain is bigger than your pain but why in the world would I want to win that prize?

I do want to share that if God leads you to this, than He has a brilliant plan to lead you through it. I've already seen that Mike is desiring a closer relationship with Him. Awesome.
I've seen my kids turn to Him in prayer. Fabulous.
I've found myself not planning and trusting God. Craziness.
A few short months ago that wasn't the norm at this house. Now it is.
While I'm not a fan of pain I'm delighted at the maturing of our faith at the Zeman house.

So hold on.
God's still got this one.
It's a doozie.