The Big D...

There are times I can feel the magic and wonder of the world around me. I'm completely in love with Christmas time so I dwell on the magic of Christmas a great deal.

I love watching all the Harry Potter movies at this time of year. I start before Halloween and by Christmas I've watched them. They are so full of mystery and magic.

Over Thanksgiving I was given a wonderful book that was so exactly what I needed to hear it was down right magical. Creepy even.

Has that ever happened to you? You cry out to God and then get a little creeped out when He answers?

As you can imagine I've been doing alot of crying out. It's the holiday's...so nothing is going right. We're getting sick. Tyler's proving that while completely wonderful he's going to drive me further into insanity. I'm crying out, "Lord, What in the World am I supposed to be doing with Tyler?"
"God, you fix this, I'm going to sit back and try my best to do nothing but watch."
"God, I'm trusting in you.....now what is that supposed to look like?"

"God, you're not just having me hang around my marriage waiting like a sucker are you? You do have plans to heal us, yes? This isn't going to be another learning moment is it? Cause while I trust that I can do all things.....I DON'T WANNA."

Then, BAM, God answers.

I was mumbling those things to myself in the middle of the night last night. I'm sleeping great for the most part but it's that time of the month. You know, when you panic and have to make sure your sheets are still clean in the middle of the night? Oh, you're not crazy? Well, I do this once a month at least.

Then this morning I open my app and ....drum roll....God answered my wondering. Like magic.

"Divorce
Matthew 19:10-12
Jesus' disciples objected, "If those are the terms of marrriage, we're stuck.
Why get married?"
But Jesus said, "Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life.
 It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly , never give marriage a thought.
 Others never get asked - or accepted.
 And some decided not to get married for kingdom reasons.
 But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it."

I love it. The first thing that stood out to me was - JESUS' DISCIPLES OBJECTED. Holy Crap. Yes, the DISCIPLES!!! Guys that I thought were holy, awesome, blah blah....would probably have been video gaming couch potatoes in their free time if they lived now. Go figure. The Disciples objected to not being able to divorce. Huh....

Then, "it requires a certain aptitude and grace". Alright my married friends, pat yourselves on the back. You my fine friends have apptitude and grace. Lovely. Means I have it too. Mike is going to be delighted that he has grace, he's always joking that he can barely even walk straight.

I'm encouraged. Just like that. God answered me.
I read all of Matthew 19 and in verse 6 I read, "His art". Yup, even my marriage is considered God's art. Cool.
In verse 8 I read another part of my answer, "Divorce is a concession to your hard heartedness but is not apart of God's original plan." Being frustrated up to my eyeballs with Tyler's hard headedness, I find I don't want to be labeled hard hearted. I'm going to still be being a living breathing work of art.

So, I thinking I also got answered on what does trusting look like. Today, it looks like me reading my Biblestudy. Accepting what I read to be true and delighting in the fact that God thinks I have an appittude, that I'm graceful, His work of art, and I'm capable of the largeness of Marriage.

Sweet.
Dare I say, downright magical? I get goosebumps just thinking of how perfectly He answered all my mutterings in the night.


 

Beware...Target is dangerous.

Yesterday at Target I saw a red scarf.
 It was like hearing a siren's song. I was drawn to it.
Long, with a sheen that just begged to be touched. I couldn't help myself, I walked right over and touched it.
 Looking around I realized it was out of place so I started up the isles looking for where it was supposed to be.
Turning the corner I saw them. A rainbow of gorgeous scarves all silky soft and singing out their siren's song.
 I didn't dare walk towards them.
I turned and muttered to myself, I thought quietly but apparently not, "Just get one, you don't need five scarves, you only have one neck."
At the end of the isle next to my kids was a nice lady trying on sunglasses. She glanced up at my muttering, raised an eyebrow and said, "Come on Momma, you gotta take care of yourself."

I smiled and said something stupid and disjointed about maybe coming back later and getting them as stocking stuffers. Or maybe I was saying that I was going to let the kids get them for me?

At that moment Mike came up behind me and mentioned I was slurring like a drunk again. Ugh.

In my defense I try to take care of myself. After eight or so years of making it my new year's goal I'm proud to announce that once or twice now I've left the house in "clean clothes without holes or stains".  I've started to think I stain them in the washing machine but that's neither here nor there.

I've managed to remember to wear make-up most days and I brush my teeth after my morning coffee and before bed. I've figured out how to get a shower in everyday should I so choose. This has not always been an option.

I feel rather pulled together. Sorta.

In July (a month that feels infamous now...) I got word from my Dr. that I was no longer testing as a diabetic. That while my morning numbers were high, overall my AIC for the last two years has been completely non-diabetic. As of right now I've been without meds since May. Apparently not eating ice cream, cookies, chips, and candy plus regular walking are all I need to be... not diabetic.

So what did I turn to for comfort in my hour of need? An extra walk? nope. More potato soup, with bacon sprinkles. I haven't gained weight but I'm feeling convicted about too many white starches. White starches tend to taste best with bacon or butter.....sometimes both. I truly know better but this has led to poor sleeping habits, extra trips to the bathroom and my current favorite, slurred speech.

Oops.

Momma needs to take care of herself. Figures I'd be faced with this during October, November, and December. Ironically I don't like most Halloween candy but skittles and starburst are my weakness. I kinda passionately hate turkey, dressing, stuffing, cranberries, gravy..... I mean has anyone else seen that the consistancy of gravy is like a runny nose? I know I have problems. Since I'm a huge fan of green beans, onions, carrots and potato, well and pie, I like to think no one has noticed I hate Thanksgiving food. But December......just shoot me. I love it all.

Chocolate covered cherries, yeah baby. I love the cheap ones at Walmart and the liquor soaked ones....drool....and the Godiva ones.... I love candy canes, hot chocolate, all the fancy little show off desserts people labor over. I think my pants just got snug thinking about it.

So I decided that instead of my twice a month massages I should use that money for a personal trainer. Ten minutes later I realized that a better idea would be to act God what to do and then follow that advice.

I wasn't feeling convicted to give up my massages. I was feeling convicted to find a massage therapist that doesn't leave brusies.

I just kinda feel an overwhelming need to go for a walk.  Then at church the pastor related Christians's to runners THREE times. So I'm starting couch to 5k....again.  This time I'm getting the kids to join me. They could stand to get more exercise.

I feel very positive about this. Unlike trying to convince myself to do one of my 30 or so exercise videos, that I love, I'll be exercising my children. They need increased stamina and are looking pale even for them.

Why is it so easy to take care of my kids but so damn hard to give myself the same attention?

So....today's bossy message from me to you - get off your butt! Take care of yourself this holiday season! You know what needs to be done.

We'll compare notes in January. I look forward to it.
 

Christian's Gone Wild.

My pastor, trying to make Corinthians relateable said that it could be described as, "Christian's Gone Wild". I was really trying to listen but had to take a moment to picture this in all it's glory.
I giggled.

I really do go to the right church. All that's happened to me in the last few months has made me truly understand, "hunger and thirst after His righteousness". I'm waking up each morning like a love sick teen. I've cracked open my daily bible study before I've had my coffee. Now that's love.

Each week I'm eager to hear God's word from the pulpit. More eager than for a new release - in theater's now. Again, this is quite a change for me. Don't get me wrong I've enjoyed church a great deal as an adult but now I've got to have it! I need Jesus like a fix and I'm not going to rehab....(hummed a bit of Amy Winehouse thinking about this...)

Exciting changes are taking place. What surprises me the most are the changes in me. Not just because I'm ignoring the scale either. I've had to answer some huge questions that establish who I am and what I believe.

I've said for years that forgiveness is for you not them. Recently I've had to put this into practice. I've learned that forgiveness is so much more. It's not just turning the other cheek but taking the blow. Absorbing it. Accepting the cost as worth the price. Jesus did this for us. He took on our sins. He paid. I'm walking this now. It's interesting.

I've learned that I'm not capable of this kind of forgiveness but that Christ through me is. Interestingly the moment of whether or not to forgive had me thinking, "If our roles were reversed and I'd hurt someone I love, how would I want to be treated?" I would want to be worth the price to them. Regardless of our past, betting on our future, I believe Mike is worth the price. I honestly thought that an affair was a deal killer. I've learned forgiveness. I feel like I should get to level up for this. Gold stars? Power points?

Secondly I've learned that God tells me who I am. Not my job, not my car (a sweet ride for sure), not my friends, not my status as a wife and mother. God has something in His heart for me. An amazing plan.

Third, I'm learning about being broken. The analogy of a pot being shattered so that God can start over and rework it come to mind. I'm not broken in a bad way. This event was the break that put God back into sharp focus. I'm not ready to thank God that my husband had an affair but crazy enough I can already see how I'm a better person in just a few short months. I'm not tooting my own horn here, I'm tooting God's. He's worked me over and the results are looking fantastic.

So back to Corinthian's Gone Wild.
Still picturing this in my head, while giggling.

1 Corinthians 1:4-6

 Every time I think of you - and I think of you  often! -

I thank God for your lives of free and open access to God, given by Jesus.

There's no end to what has happened in you - it's beyond speech, beyond knowledge.

The evidence of Christ has been clearly verified in your lives.

 

7-9 Just think - you don't need a thing, you've got it all!

 All God's gifts are right in front of you as you wait expectantly

 for our Master Jesus to arrive on the scene for the Finale.

And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you stead

 and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus.

 God who got you started in this spiritual adventure,

shares with us the life of His Son and our Master Jesus.

He will never give up on you.

Never forget that.

I love this. I love knowing that I have all I need. That God's right alongside me to keep me steady. Way better than having Superman or Hulk. I've got God. Sweet, right?

Thing is, this passage was written for those who are sanctified. Which is a fancy way of saying, made Holy, Set apart by God. If you've accepted Christ as your Savior and you're redeemed....then that means you.

This interests me. Sanctified also means removed from sin. Like a yolk separated from the white. I've had some interesting thoughts on this.
Would you agree that to be forgiven by Christ means you are redeemed or saved?
Would you agree that to be redeemed is to be sanctified?

Then why are Christians, who are set apart, fighting God's awesome plans for them. What are Christians thinking? Not trusting God. Recklessly developing themselves without God's input. Then going so far as to say, "it's just the way they are made?"

Are you or aren't you Redeemed? Are you or aren't you Saved?

The series is called, "Let it be said of us."
Our Pastor was gently telling us that Christians who are redeemed and set apart don't blend in. Christians are supposed to STAND OUT. That our first obstacle is to be different.

I've been different for many years so I didn't see this as an issue. I'm learning that being a Christian is alot like standing out like a sore thumb less like a fashion faux paux.
Contrary to traditional advice when I discovered my husband's affair I didn't keep this information to myself. It quickly spread like wildfire. You all know. Not a fashion faux paux.

Traditional advice says to protect each other by holding your tongue about family secrets.
I'm discovering that God's way in my case was different. He wanted my dirty laundry to be aired.
His way seems crazy mysterious but I've got to tell you there has been a ton of perks. Yes, perks of telling the world my marriage is in trouble.

Gobs of people praying for my marriage and family.
Accountability for me and for my husband. You try misbehaving when you are telling people you are a Christian trying to be obedient to God.
Love. Lots of love. People reaching out to me and loving on me. Many of them did this southern style...with food. I wouldn't have been hugged or prayed for nearly as much if I hadn't said anything.

I still haven't figured out why the pastor called those Corinthian's Christians Gone Wild. If I'd been able to listen after that I'm sure he said why. However, I want it to be said of me, that I'm obedient, I love Jesus like he's an addiction I can't get enough of and that if you've ever asked who STOOD OUT as a Christian to you - you think of me. I'm Redeemed.

And as a bonus update on my saga....Mike had shoulder surgery. He's in a sling for a total of six weeks. Which means he can't drive or tie his own shoes. He's using this opportunity to show me and tell me he loves me. He's basically underfoot 24/7 and it's a good thing. I like being adored, appreciated, and helped. It doesn't hurt that trust doesn't have to be an issue...the poor man can't tie his own shoes...he is completely at my mercy....bwahahaha....I'm still feeding him.
 

It's not the end of the World....

It's been almost a month since I've blogged. What a rollercoaster! If it's not one thing than it's another.

First Tyler, he's been throwing up again. To skip to the good news, it's not a brain tumor issue. Yay. On the downside that means we have no idea what it is. However, it's extremely awesome to hear from the Neurosurgeon that his brain is healing beautifully and shows no sign of any problems. Tyler has been down graded to a yearly MRI.  Woot Woot.

Of course, that still leaves us with his weekly vomiting,only in the mornings,poor to terrible school performance and all that jazz. Good times.

I was waiting to say anything about Tyler because I wanted to get our MRI results from the Dr. first. Normally we get a quick turn around but this time we had two weeks. Then I call Grandma and friends to update them. No point in worrying needlessly.

While we were in a holding pattern Mike and I were doing good. Mike is/was getting better daily. Still lots of bumps in the road but I could see that he really did want to make things work again.
Lots of little things that added up to being treated well and not taken forgranted. Like taking out the trash without being asked. I spilled wax from a scentsy warmer and was too busy to take care of it. Later I caught him scraping it up. While this is just a little thing this is also HUGE. Mike has never seemed to even notice all the little things around him let alone clean up. This thrilled me enormously! Having another adult who takes responsiblily for our surroundings is heavenly.

Which brings me to "expectations". I've been thinking alot about what to expect from myself, from Mike, from God....I found Ephesians 5:25-28.

"Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives,

 exactly as Christ did for the church - a love marked by giving, not getting.

 Christ's love make the church whole.

His words evoke her beauty.

Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her,

dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.

And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.

They're really doing themselves a favor - since they're already "one" in marriage. "

 

I've got to say I love that and just in case I missed it a few of my friends on FB posted that verse the same day. God really wanted my attention. Well God, you have it. As I started mulling on what it would be like to be loved like that.....we got a terrible phone call.

 

Mike's Mom was in the hospital. Long story short, she's with Jesus now. It was sudden and we miss her terribly. However, it's interesting too. I've found myself slightly jealous that she's with Jesus. As I talk about this with the kids, Tyler had the best analogy. "It's like she's on the best Disney Cruise ever but there's no phone reception. Someday we'll get to join her but til then she gets to have all the fun without us." Ok.

 

Gayle was the best Mother-in-Law. She was an amazing woman and I'm glad that we got to be there in the end. Being a military family, one of our biggest fears is not being there when family needs us. God provided. It's crazy but we only had luggage because I was preparing to walk out the door less than a month ago. Mike had given me the money I needed to move to Texas and gotten a new credit card (for his new life plans) giving us access to plenty of funds to fly to California with no notice. Everything we thought we were doing for something else ended up preparing us to be able to go Gayle for her passing and memorial. All plans made by God. I'm in awe.

 

It totally brings to life Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you...." He knew.

 

Which brings us to FrankenStorm. Yeah, we got back home to Jersey after the memorial to discover that the world was mad. Crazy. Bonkers. About to be hit by a hurricane. Nuts. The grocery store had already been picked over. No batteries, flashlights, bottled water....We did manage to get plenty of great supplies but it was interesting. 

 

Hurricane Sandy came and left. It rained and poured. The wind blew. We had TV and popcorn. Just looking at our house you'd think nothing special had happened. It was kinda a bummer that schools were closed but the kids didn't mind. Gave us extra time to get over jet lag.

 

Others were not so lucky. Even a block away people were without power for days. Downed trees, damaged power lines, junk that flew in. Good fun.

 

Now we take a deep breath and prepare for a Nor'easter. Which I'd never heard of. Apparently it's a storm that goes West to East. Whatever. They are expecting it to get cold and windy. Not a big deal until you realize that we've used up all our emergency resources and are waiting for stuff on back order. Power goes out now and we might be without for days. Well, it's never dull around here.

 

Did I mention that Mike had surgery yesterday? End of July Mike injured his shoulder. The same day I sent him an email telling him that his treatment of me was awful and I wanted an appology or he needed to find a hotel, before he told me he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, he texted me he'd hurt himself and was at the ER. It was a bad day all round. I was mad at him. He was tired, overworked and now sitting in an ER waiting to find out what he'd done. They thought at the time he'd torn his shoulder muscle.

 

After seeing a specialist he discovered it was the kind of injury that never heals and needs surgery. He got that yesterday. Once they opened him up they discovered it was a split tendon. They put in a plastic pin to anchor his muscle back in place. Ouch. He's going to be in a sling for a month while scar tissue forms and creates more anchors for the muscle and tendon. Double ouch. No driving while this happens....interesting.

 

So what does this last month say about us? Well.....on the one hand our relationship feels like it did before but feels completely diferent at the same time. We'd started sharing a room again a week before we'd heard about his Mom. Which made life easier when we were in CA because we didn't need separate sleeping arrangements. Of course, he'll be in a recliner for a while which puts us back to separate rooms for a while. It feels like two steps forward ten steps back some days.

 

Any intimancy we may be recovering is challenged immediately. A nauseating rollercoaster to be sure. I believe that like Mike's shoulder we are on our way to recovering. After all, it's not the end of the world. It's just a brain tumor, funeral, surgery, Hurricane, Nor'easter kind of month. However, my highlights still look good and we all know that with good hair everything is easier.